Sue, page 10
“I thought you liked your job.” He signaled to turn.
Sue tensed up. “Why do you care? I don’t have to explain myself.”
“Not asking you to. Just making an observation.” He kept his voice calm, but Sue could tell she’d hurt his feelings.
“Look, I’m sorry, Melvin. The truth is I just don’t like some of the club members. Plus, I hate working nights.” Sue looked out the window and sighed. “But I suppose you’d better take me there now so I can at least tell them I’m leaving.”
“Will do.” He drove her to the country club.
Ms. McCloskey frowned at Sue over her desk. “We don’t have time to hire a replacement and New Year’s Eve is our busiest night! Can’t you at least work that night?”
Sue squirmed. “No, I don’t think so. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
The woman looked down at the schedule on her desk. “I suppose I can get Gary to fill in, but he doesn’t know much about bartending. Maybe he can wait tables or something. You’re really putting me in a bind.” She rubbed her forehead with a manicured finger before fixing her gaze on Sue. “You haven’t been here long. This isn’t going to look good on your resume.”
“I don’t have much of a resume yet anyway,” Sue said quietly, hating this confrontation. She wished she’d gone to Martin instead. It would have been easier to tell him since he seemed to like her. She rose to leave. “I’ll bring in my uniforms next week.”
Ms. McCloskey stood too. “Yes, well, good luck to you.”
“Thanks.”
Sue hurried to the car and got in.
“Well?” Melvin asked.
“It’s done and I’m glad.” Sue took a deep breath. “I didn’t get paid much anyway, though I’ll miss the tips.”
On New Year’s Eve, Sue slouched in front of the television and watched the Times Square ball fall in New York. She wondered who Zeke was kissing to bring in the new year. Her dad had the night off and was asleep in his easy chair. Her mom had volunteered to work a shift at the supper club and wasn’t home yet. On the bright side, Sue was relieved that her feet no longer hurt and her side hadn’t bothered her in a long time.
When she crawled into bed shortly before one a.m., Sue made a resolution to get an apartment. Home didn’t feel the same to her anymore. She could thank Zeke for ruining that, and for tainting her feelings for her parents. Things that used to be easy and mindless were now tricky and prone to go wrong in unpredictable ways. A new place would make her feel better, a place where she could control the environment.
Chapter 18
Sue carried the last box out to her car, her mother following closely.
“Honey, you know you can come home anytime.” A tear trickled down her cheek. She removed her glasses and wiped them on the hem of her blouse. “Are you absolutely sure about this?”
“It’s time I had a place of my own, Mom.” Sue maneuvered the box into the trunk and shut the lid. She reached out to hug her mother. “It’s not like I’m going across the country. I’ll be a ten-minute drive away. Stop worrying.”
Her mom sniffed and then released her. “I’ll try. But it’s hard to think of you living all by yourself. Your dad and I wish you’d wait.”
“I’ve waited long enough already.” Sue patted her mother’s shoulder and got into her car. “I’ll call you every day. And I’ll come over a lot. You won’t even know I’m gone.”
“I’ll know,” her mother whispered.
A lump rose in Sue’s throat as she closed the car door. She gazed at her mom standing by the driveway in a print dress and her usual light sweater, shivering in the cold.
Panic threatened deep inside her, but Sue choked it down. She was leaving a safe environment, striking out on her own, and it was frightening. But living around her parent’s constant concern made her feel like she was under a microscope. It interfered with her progress, even her therapist said so. It was time she grew up.
Sue rolled down her window. “Look at it this way,” she said, “you and daddy can get back on the same work shifts now and spend time together.”
“Oh, I think we’re fine like we are, for a while yet anyway.”
Sue knew they wanted to remain available at all hours. They’d even gotten cell phones, entered the modern age.
“Well, I’d better hurry; Daddy’s probably wondering what’s taking me so long to get there.”
“Okay, honey.” Her mom smiled sadly and waved.
Sue shook her head as she backed out of the driveway and headed toward her new place. It was a lucky find. The rent was reasonable, utilities included, and the location was close to work and shopping. She was ready to begin a new phase of her life.
A short time later, Sue unlocked the front door and tossed her keys on the coffee table she’d bought from a thrift shop. “I brought food,” Sue hollered over the sound of her dad’s electric screwdriver.
His head peeked from the bathroom door. “Did you say food? Let me wash up and I’ll be right there.”
Sue looked around while she waited. She was pleased with what she saw. The apartment was small, but freshly painted, clean. Her dad had already hung the blinds in the living room. She’d chosen wide-slatted horizontal blinds in a light wood-grain to match the trim and they looked good against the beige painted walls. The furniture was second-hand, but it was decent and she’d selected it herself. No one would choose for her again. A sense of pride almost broke through her usual grim demeanor, but receded before she could fully experience it. Twisting the hem of her shirt, she sighed. She and Dr. Camden had more work to do. Then she pushed aside the soft weight of melancholy. This was her new home and she was determined to be happy here.
“What’s for lunch?” Her dad interrupted her thoughts.
“I picked up sandwiches from Subway. You can have either turkey or beef and I’ll take the other.”
Sue nibbled at her roast beef sandwich as her dad told her what he’d accomplished while she was gone. “You can see the blinds are up in here. I also got the bedroom taken care of. Your windows here are smaller than the ones at home but they look pretty good. The shades make them look bigger.”
Sue had wanted her new blinds, bed ensemble, and computer desk she’d bought for her bedroom at home so she’d brought them with her. She’d bought a bed frame without head or footboards and a fairly good mattress set. Her folks put her old room back to its original condition, sans the canopy. All that work, and her dad hadn’t seemed to begrudge a bit of it.
Now, she stood and admired the completed project. “Wow. You’re right; the larger blinds make a huge difference.”
She peered into the bathroom and saw that he almost had the shade ready to hang there. She’d chosen a wide-slat deep-green style here to offset the sea green shower curtain and throw rug.
As her dad finished his work, Sue carried in boxes and set about putting things away. She didn’t have much and was nearly finished by the time her dad kissed her cheek and left for home. She kept unpacking until at last she had everything where it belonged. She broke down the empty boxes and placed them on a high shelf in the storage room. After a quick shower, she dried her hair and dressed in clean clothes. If she hurried, she could squeeze in some target practice at the range before her self-defense class. She picked up her phone to call Melvin.
Chapter 19
Later, Sue awoke with a scream stuck in her throat. Her eyes probed the room, seeking something familiar before she remembered she was in her new apartment and realized she had been having a nightmare. Padding barefoot into the kitchen, she ran a glass of water and sipped it slowly as her nerves calmed. Zeke still haunted her sleep.
When she’d first returned home, her dreams had centered on their lovemaking, the way it had been when she first fell in love with Zeke, when it was tender, sweet, and passionate. These dreams had tortured her with emotions she didn’t want to feel, with perverse longings, and sent her in desperation to the phone to schedule extra appointments with Dr. Camden.
“Why these dreams?” she’d implored. “What’s wrong with me?”
Dr. Camden had given her a patient look. “Your mind is still grappling with being set-up. You’re trying to understand how Zeke gained access to the most protected, vulnerable parts of you.”
“I already know how he did it. Do I have to keep dreaming it?”
“Do these dreams arouse you?”
“Of course not! They disgust me,” Sue had lied.
The doctor said nothing, but her look said she knew better.
“You have to understand; he loved me at first.” Sue was defensive. “He said he loved me.”
“A person can say anything, Sue. It doesn’t make it true.”
“So he lied about loving me? He never meant it at all? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Some people aren’t capable of love. It’s not a reflection of you or your worth. It’s a measure of his.”
“Sometimes I miss him so much,” Sue had whispered, terrified to reveal the secret. “Not the Zeke he turned out to be, but the one I thought I knew. The way he was in the beginning. I miss that man.” She’d held her breath, waiting for the doctor to chastise her.
“It’s natural to feel that way. He flattered you, made you feel loved, accepted,” Dr. Camden had stated calmly. “But the person you miss was never real. It was an act.”
“Don’t you think I know that? He tricked me. And I fell for it.”
She’d come a long way since that appointment. Those old erotic dreams had faded and violent nightmares had taken their place. Still, Zeke was never the one who committed the heinous acts. Just an unseen assailant. Without consulting her therapist, Sue understood the reason for this. Her mind was still unwilling to accept the reality that her lover had been a sadistic killer. Why? Because it would reveal Sue to be either pathetically desperate for attention or culpable in some way, and she couldn’t yet handle either outcome.
She’d tried again to open up to Joyce about her persistent feelings for Zeke. It was impossible to describe her torment without revealing the secret ordeal she’d suffered through. She’d faltered through the conversation and Joyce had soon grown impatient with Sue’s vague complaints.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Joyce had finally proclaimed. “It’s over! Just put it all out of your mind and think about the here and now. Stop dwelling on the past. You’re way too serious anymore. I don’t know why you can’t snap out of it.”
That was the last time Sue had confided in Joyce, this time probably for good. Sue wasn’t the same person anymore, but Joyce hadn’t changed. Sue had been touched by darkness; Joyce still walked in the light, oblivious.
Chapter 20
At her next appointment, Sue told Dr. Camden about her new apartment and her mother’s emotional reaction to her moving out. “My folks ought to be glad to have me out of the way. It’s likely they never wanted me in the first place.” The words caused a soft pain in Sue’s stomach.
The woman looked vaguely surprised at this comment. “Did they tell you that?”
“No. But I came along kind of late in their lives.” Sue twisted in her seat. “You know, they used to go out all the time. They loved to dance. I’ve heard my relatives talk about how good they were, and I’ve seen pictures. My dad had a full head of hair and he was so skinny! And my mom just sparkled. They dressed up in flashy costumes. I mean, they really knew what they were doing, even won some competitions.”
“They did?”
“Yes. And it wasn’t old fogey stuff, either. Swing dancing, jitterbug, stuff like that. You’d never know it to look at them now; they’re so sedate and plain. Anyway, there was hardly a dance they didn’t go to; they’d drive hours to get there. Then I came along.”
“And?”
“And I ruined everything for them. You know, it’s hard to picture your parents ever being passionate, being crazy in love, or being impulsive. By the time I was born, I think my folks had already worked through any relationship turmoil, if they ever had any. Or maybe it was my fault they lost their zing. I do remember seeing them take a few dance steps around the living room when I was a kid. And they laughed and hugged each other. Then they saw me watching and my dad scooped me up in his arms and pretended to dance with me. I think they didn’t want me to feel left out.”
“That sounds like a good memory, not a bad one. Why so negative?”
Sue lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “I think my presence stole the romance out of their lives. They’re so ordinary now. I don’t see any spark between them.”
“How do they treat each other?”
“Dad’s gentle with Mom. She’s not what you’d call high-strung, but she’s always been a little on the nervous side. He’s protective of her. And she’s good to him, looks after him.”
“Maybe what you’re seeing is contentment, not monotony.”
“Maybe. But I can’t seem to get rid of the idea that their lives changed because of me. I never really thought about it until Zeke brought it up.”
“Ah, the undisputed expert on everything.”
Dr. Camden’s dry tone elicited a sharp look from Sue. She grew defensive. “Here’s a question, then. If they’d really wanted children, why’d they wait so long to have me? I had to have been an accident.”
“Maybe you should ask them.”
“Ask them? Oh, I don’t know. I don’t want to upset my mom.” Sue stood and walked over to the window. “I’ll think about it.”
Chapter 21
Late January, Sue came home to find her door standing ajar, having been pried open. Melvin hadn’t been available to escort her home that evening so she was alone. Tingles crept up her spine and she backed away slowly, reaching for her cell phone. Eyes fixed on the front entrance she dialed 911 and waited in her car for the police to arrive.
The officer who showed up was friendly but serious and ordered her to wait outside while he checked the interior. When finished, he asked her to come in and see if anything was missing. Sue entered the apartment and looked around. Everything appeared to be as she had left it that morning before going to work. She peeked through the door before entering her bedroom.
The bed was neatly made and her computer still sat on her desk. She quickly examined her closet and found nothing out of order. The bathroom, too, seemed untouched. “It doesn’t look like anything has been taken. I just don’t understand it.”
The officer stepped forward. “Maybe they got scared away before they could take anything.” He snapped shut his notebook and walked toward the door. “There have been some other break-ins in this area. It’d be a good idea to ask your landlord to install a deadbolt when the door is fixed.”
“Don’t worry, I will.” Sue closed the door, propped a chair under the knob, and put the chain on. Then, she called the landlord to inform him of the break-in and he assured her he was on the way to repair it.
That evening she called Melvin and told him what happened. He wanted to come right over.
“No, that’s not necessary,” Sue told him. “I’m fine. Nothing was taken and now I have a deadbolt.”
“Still...”
“Really, Melvin. I don’t think it was directed at me personally. The cop said there were other crimes in this neighborhood.”
“Did you tell your parents?”
“Yes, and it freaked them out. But what can anyone do? It was a random thing.”
Melvin relented but Sue could tell he wasn’t at ease. “Call me if anything happens,” he said. “No. Call the police first, and then call me. Okay?”
His concern gave Sue a warm feeling, which she quickly pushed away. “I will, Melvin.”
When Sue opened the newspaper a couple of days later, she was shocked to see a report of the incident. It was just a small blurb buried on a back page, but it contained her name and new address.
The following week the first letter arrived. The envelope was typed with no return address. It was postmarked in Bangor, just seventy miles or so to the southeast. Inside she found a poem that had been clipped from a magazine.
My soul aches
My heart cries
Remembering your feather touch, your liquid eyes
My mind screams
My body spasms
Remembering your tender flesh, your trembling orgasms
I can’t let go
Don’t you know?
I can’t let you go.
~Unknown
The paper fluttered from her hands to the floor. It was exactly the weird kind of poetry Zeke would write. Fumbling with her phone, she called Melvin. Though he’d been napping, he arrived within minutes, eyes wary and hair askew. “Did you call the police?” he asked before he’d even removed his jacket.
“I called Detective Sanders. She’s on her way.” Sue glanced at the opened letter as if it were a snake coiled on her coffee table.
“It’s too bad you touched it. Maybe there are prints on it.”
She turned angry eyes toward him. “Well, for god’s sake, I didn’t know what it was until I opened it.”
“I know, I know,” he soothed. “Just slipped out before I thought.”
The detective arrived, asked a few questions, and bagged the letter. “I doubt we’ll find anything on it, but this is significant enough to be taken seriously, given your history. It could be just a prank, though. I don’t want you taking matters into your own hands again. Got that?”
Sue nodded.
The detective spent a few minutes questioning Melvin before leaving. Sue closed the door behind her and turned around, a haunted look on her face.
“I’m staying with you tonight,” Melvin announced.
“What? No! That’s not happening.”
He looked hurt. “Just to make sure you’re safe, Sue. Nothing else.”
“I’m fine. I’ve got my gun.” She patted his arm to take the sting out of her reaction. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s not necessary. It’s just a letter, not like someone’s trying to hurt me or anything.”
