Pour Some Magic on Me: A Shoplifter's Guide to Wizardry, page 14
"Cool it, Russell," Barney said.
"But Boss, they took my hat!"
"And you tried to rip them off, even after they told you they were looking for me."
Russell was immediately cowed. "It wasn't exactly like that boss."
Barney spun around on his seat and kicked Russell right in the balls—that was if they had balls. I'm assuming they did, though, because Russell dropped immediately to the ground where he moaned in misery. Meanwhile, George returned with the chips and dip. He looked down at the fallen gnome and shook his head. "Damn, Russell, you in the shit again?"
"Piss off, George," Russell groaned.
Barney turned back around. "Excuse me." He popped the lid off the guac and scooped some out with a chip. He pointed to the snacks. "You sure?"
"I'm good," I said.
"Me, too," Amanda added.
"All right, so here's the deal," Barney began. "I'll post one of my guys outside the portal to keep an eye out for your friend until I come up with a better fix."
"How's that supposed to help?"
Barney grinned to some of his fellow gnomes. "Well, we've sort of got a reputation for making things difficult if you get on the wrong side of us. I don't think your guy will try anything with one of us around."
"Okay, I'll have to take your word for that, but how does that help us during the day? You can only move around at night, right?"
"True. We can watch in daylight, but we can't do anything."
"We do have the rat traps," Amanda said.
"What rat traps?" Barney said.
I explained about our deterrent.
"Oh, that's good,” he chuckled. “I think we're going to be friends. Give me a few days to think, and I'll get back to you."
"A few days?"
"Hey, that's fast."
"I'm sure it is. I just thought that--"
"What, that we'd pick up the phone and call information? We're old school, like the pony express. See, I'll send Russell here, or a couple of the boys, off to another trailer park to inquire after anything that might counter any bad luck spells or some such shit. The word will spread to another trailer park boss and so on. Before you know it, we're tapped into our nationwide network."
"You all just help each other out?" Amanda asked. "Won't they want to know why?"
Barney finished off the last of his beer. "It's sort of a reciprocal arrangement. We do these little favors, no questions asked."
"So, you won't have to share your weed with anyone else?"
"Just my boys here." He threw a chip at Russell. "Even this greedy bastard."
"Wow, you guys are like a union," Amanda said.
"More like an army," Barney said cracking open another beer. "A disgraced army that ended up on the wrong side."
I waited to see if he was going to tell us about it, but he didn't. Instead, he said, "Russell, get your ass up. You're on guard duty tonight. Oh, and go into the house and get the map. I want to add this portal."
Russell looked like he wanted to argue but did as he was told. He returned with a large road atlas. Barney opened it up to central California. In one section, there was a blown-up map of Bakersfield. "Okay, where is it?"
I wasn't too sure about divulging my address for their map, but they were going to know where I lived anyway. I showed him my neighborhood's general area.
"What good is it, though? When I tried it, it didn't work for me."
Barney smiled benevolently. "No offense, sister, but you're not us. If you're in agreement with the arrangement, hand over the weed, and I'll get the word out. Russell will go with you."
"I'm not going to take him. He's got a serious ax to grind."
"Russell is going to be on his best behavior. Isn't that right, Russell?"
"Whatever you say boss. But boss…"
"What is it?"
"She promised me one of the buds if I told her where you were. We had a deal."
Barney turned to us. "You made that deal with him?"
"Yes, and I intended to keep it and give him back his hat. What is it with the hats, anyway?"
Barney ate a couple more guacamole laden chips. "That's where we keep our magic. Without them, well, you've seen what can happen. That’s why it's almost impossible to take them off us.” He stopped chewing. “Without magic, anyway."
"She did something sneaky, boss," Russell complained.
Barney reached for the Acapulco Gold. "I'll make sure he gets his share when he gets back. Do we have a deal?"
"We do."
Chapter 21
We didn’t shake on it, so I guessed a verbal agreement was sufficient with gnomes. When we returned to the VW, I rode shotgun and Russell sat in the back. For the first few blocks, he didn’t say a word which was fine with me. Then, he began to sing in the most horrible voice imaginable, a bunch of disgusting limericks. I tried to drown him out with the radio, but it magically stopped working. Amanda cut her eyes his way.
“I know he did it,” I whispered back.
Then, Amanda stifled a scream. I checked the back seat, but now I could only see a disreputable alley cat in the backseat, with one leg arched over its head, scratching itself. It hissed at me. “What's wrong?” I asked Amanda.
“Oh, God,” she groaned, pointing in the rearview mirror, “the little fucker is fondling himself. Can’t you see it?”
“I can’t. He’s back to looking like a cat again. I’m back to normal, I guess.”
“Well, count yourself lucky; I’ll never be able to unsee that.” She reached back and slapped at the gnome. The car jerked a little to the left. “Knock that shit off, you creep. Throw him out,” Amanda said. “Toss his perve-ass out, right now!”
“Can’t. We need him. Russell quit jerking off, or I’ll tell Barney.” I hoped the cat would listen. Amanda fiddled with the bracelet while trying to keep straight on the road. She finally took it off and handed it over.
“I can’t look anymore; I’m going to vomit.”
Russell, who was Russell again, seemed to be enjoying himself more and more, his grating laughter got louder and louder. “There’s nothing in your agreement with the boss that says I can’t, p-l-e-a-s-u-r-e myself. In fact, why don’t we pull over, and you can get a little more for your money. Hey, sister, looky here. Guess who I’m thinking of.”
I looked around the floorboard for an emergency flare or something. Amanda glanced sideways at me and then pointed to the glovebox. I opened it but looked confused. “Keep looking,” she mouthed at me.
I dug a second before finding the can of Aqua Net. I held it surreptitiously, and Amanda smiled. I popped the lid off and turned very slowly. Meanwhile, Russell was calling out random female names, probably hoping ours would be among them.
I shot him right in the face with a steady stream of hairspray. “Take that, you sick, fucking bastard!”
“Stop, stop!” Russell screamed while attempting to shield himself from the offending aerosol spray. “I’m going to fucking kill… achoo.”
He launched into a fit that alternated between sneezing and coughing. I didn’t stop until the hairspray was all used up. I rolled down the windows because it was even choking us. Russell rolled back and forth on the backseat, obviously in extreme distress. I decided to buy myself a couple of cans in case I had more trouble with these guys.
When the fog in the car started to clear out, and Russell began to catch his breath, the creature in the back didn’t much resemble a cutesy, smiling yard decoration, not that I would have ever called him cute. Instead of rosy cheeks and a poochy belly, Russell sported tiny fangs and was all hunched over like he was going to pounce. “Listen, you fuck,” I yelled, “I got your hat away from you once; cool it, or I'll take it permanently."
That seemed to faze him.
"You got lucky."
"You willing to take the risk?"
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Watch me. And then we go right back to your boss and tell him how you freaked out. Or maybe, we see if you turn to porcelain, and I break into a thousand pieces.” That seemed to do the trick. Russell didn’t say anything more the rest of the way, and he stopped playing with himself. After a while, though, he did begin eating his own boogers. When he caught me looking, he opened his mouth as wide as he could.
Amanda pulled in front of my house. I got out and opened the door for Russell. "The doghouse is in the back." I put my arm in front of him before he stepped out. "How will you let me know if he shows up? I don't want you coming into my house."
"I'm not going in your fucking house. If he shows, I'll do this," he mimicked a fire truck siren perfectly.
"Shh! Jesus, you'll wake the whole neighborhood. That's great." I moved to let him by.
Amanda reached over. "Do you want me to stay over? You know, in case…"
I did. I wasn't comfortable with a perverted gnome keeping watch over me, but Amanda had been hauling me around all day, and she looked it. I didn’t imagine I looked much better. "No, thanks. Go home. I'll be fine."
Even though I had a gremlin, troll-thingy after me, and even though my protector was a vicious yard ornament who hated my guts, I passed out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Sometime in the middle of the night, though, I heard a wild scream, like that of an injured animal. Either Russell had accidently tripped one of the traps, or Fraggle Rock had. I smiled and went right back to sleep.
Mom was gone by the time I dragged myself up the next morning. Her friend from work had to pick her up early, and I had no idea what time it was. I threw on a pair of running shorts and went to check the backyard. I didn't see Russell until I walked to the rear of the doghouse. He was locked in a pose with one foot stuck in the air, like he’d been frozen while inspecting his feet—some protector. I bent down and flipped him off and felt stupid for doing it. He at least had stuck to his part of the bargain.
Next, I inspected the traps and sure enough, two were missing, not tripped but missing. Hopefully, Fraggle Rock would think twice before he came back. I doubted, however, that it would keep him away for long. I still slid the remaining traps around to cover the area vacated by the missing pair.
After my coffee, I got dressed and decided to try and locate my wayward boyfriend. I had all the band members’ phone numbers in my address book. I thought Ronnie would be the most likely to know where Trevor was. As I was about to start calling, I thought I’d better check our messages in case Trev had reached out. Sure enough, the little, red light was blinking on the machine in Mom’s bedroom. One of the messages was from the insurance people. I needed to tell Mom about it. Another one was from Trev. Apparently, he and his dad had a last-minute job in Tehachapi, repairing some pipe or something for a start-up well. He said he’d be back by the weekend. Normally, that would have forestalled my worrying, probably my curiosity, too. Now, not so much.
Amanda had to take her brother somewhere but thought she’d be free that night. With no ride, I spent much of the rest of the day re-accomplishing my financial aid paperwork so that all Mom had to do was sign. It helped that I paid attention when she and I attended the counselor’s briefing on getting into college. Unfortunately, it meant digging out the taxes again.
Late in the afternoon, I began to go stir crazy in the house. I wasn’t one to sit still under the best of circumstances. Tired of stewing over the many mysteries in my life, and feeling more than a little bored, I took out the bracelet and tried to make some magic, but it didn’t do anything at all.
After the worst of the heat was over, and I had exhausted every magic phase I knew such as “alakazam” and “presto” and “abracadabra” I decided to get out for a run. I thought it was safe to return to the high school track during the day. I didn’t push it, but by the time I was done, I was in a much better mood.
When I got home, my mother was still nowhere around. There was no note, but I saw that she had left a phone message. She and Barbara were going out for a bite. She’d bring me something home. After I showered and dressed, I checked the backyard. The sun was starting to hang low in the sky and a lengthening shadow from the house was stretching across the yard. I wondered when Russell would become animated again. I wanted to ask what he saw last night, if he saw Fraggle Rock.
In the meantime, I thought I’d water Mom’s plants, not that she’d forget, but I was bored. I had barely turned on the hose when I caught something moving in my peripheral vision. A moment later, I was staring at the gnome on my patio. It was the first time I’d seen one dressed like he was supposed to be, in a belted smock, stockings, and boots, along with the all-essential red, conical hat. I figured it must have been the work uniform. Moments later, Russell joined him. He was as disreputable as ever, still in his tiny skivvies.
It was very hard for me to tell them apart, actually, but I knew the new one wasn’t Barney, who was sort of husky and had rounder cheeks beneath his white beard. This one’s beard was thinner, too, and he didn’t have Russell’s beady, little eyes.
“Boss says we found something that might help you,” the new one said in that gnome-like baritone.
“He did?” I turned to Russell. “Did you know anything about it?”
“Thppt, I’ve been here, dummy.”
“Oh, yeah, did you catch the intruder last night?”
Russell absently scratched at himself, making me avert my eyes. “Nope, but he sure did scream. By the time I went to investigate, he was already gone.”
“Okay, fine. So,” I turned to the new gnome, “what did you guys find out?”
“I’ve got to talk to Russell for a minute.”
“Why?”
“Boss says to.” He grabbed Russell’s arm and jerked him away.
The pair quickly returned. It was Russell who now did the talking. He started by pointing to the doghouse. “Barney knows where that portal leads.”
“Okay? Good?”
“Yeah, so here’s the deal. It leads to a small town in Pennsylvania. There's a magician who lives there, runs a school close to town. He’s a collector. Barney says you need to steal this.” He snapped his fingers and the other gnome produced a hand-drawn picture.
“It’s a horseshoe,” I said.
The pair nodded. “A horseshoe,” I repeated. “Are you kidding me? What’s a horseshoe going to do?”
“It’s for luck.”
“That’s a silly superstition,” I said.
“The boss said you’d say that,” the new gnome answered. “He told me to tell you it’s the very one St. Dunstan hammered on the Devil himself. No bad luck will happen to anyone where it’s hung, as long as he sleeps there that night.”
“Who, the Devil?”
“What, are you stupid?” Russell said. “No, whoever you want protected from a bad luck spell.”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant like the real-deal Devil, Satan and all that?”
Russell shrugged, “I don’t know. I wasn’t there.”
“And I’m supposed to steal it? Why aren’t you going to?”
Russell was clearly going to be the pair’s spokesman. He said, “Because we aren’t going to break into a magician’s house for a half-ounce of weed, but we’ll take you there.”
“That's crazy. How am I supposed to steal something from, what’d you call him, a magician?”
“Mage, wizard, whatever you want to call him. Place is crawling with ‘em, but don’t worry. We’ll get you into the house. We have this.” He took out a small wrapped package which he carefully opened before showing me an ornate-looking key attached to a long chain. I went to touch it, but he pulled it back.
“Uh-uh, this is an ever-open key. Too valuable. I’ll let you in with it, and then, you’re on your own.”
“You guys are insane. I’m not going wandering around some wizard’s house looking for a magic horseshoe. I won’t have a clue where I’m going. And what if I’m caught?”
Russell snapped his fingers again and the other gnome passed over a new sheet of paper. This one had a rough sketch of the interior of a house. It showed what looked to be multiple floors with an area circled and labeled basement. It might have been drawn in crayon by a three-year-old.
"You're fucking kidding me, right?"
“Turn it over,” Russell said.
On the other side were several equally crudely drawn items. “And these are?” I asked.
“Barney says since you’re going to be there anyway, take as many of those things as you can find, along with the horseshoe.”
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“He’ll pay you.”
“With what?”
“Show her,” Russell said.
The other gnome pulled out a Polaroid of a 1968 Z28 Camaro, bright red with the two white stripes going down the middle. It was my dream car, but I had no idea how Barney knew that. It kind of freaked me out.
“How?” I asked.
He looked confused.
"How did he know?"
“We listen.”
“That is so fucked up. Okay, putting aside the stalking aspect, whose car is it?”
The other gnome shrugged, but Russell was quick to answer. “We’re just the messengers. It’s legit, though. Bring back the items on the paper, and it’s all yours, free and clear.”
“And legal?”
“What do you mean by that?” Russell said.
“Legal, like I wouldn’t be driving a stolen car.”
The pair looked at each other and shrugged. “Is that important?” Russell asked.
“Yeah. I don’t want to get caught with a stolen car.”
The pair huddled for a second. “Yeah, it’s probably legal,” Russell said.
The whole idea was insane, but if I was going to steal some sort of lucky horseshoe anyway… Then, I snapped back to reality because I’d hadn’t made up my mind that I was going to break into the guy’s house in the first place. At best, I was a petty thief, stealing a book from the mall was nothing like breaking and entering. And I had serious doubts that these guys could come up with a car, a legal one, anyway. However, Russell’s next statement forced my hand.
