Raising Resilience, page 24
oxytocin, 146
parents
as anchors and containers, 4–5, 28–31
co-constructive skills of, 28–31
fostering nonjudgmental attitudes toward selves, 200–201
joys and challenges of, 209–210
parenting styles, 117
reflecting on own experiences as child, 33–37, 225–226
self-regulation and, 40–45
tips for parenting, 217–226
tips for recognizing negative internal self-talk, 204–206
use of term, 3
see also modeling, by parents
peer pressures
arguments and negotiation between parents and teens, 167–168
parental background role and, 163–167
perfection, 3, 5, 46–47, 70, 91, 223
permissive parenting style, 117
“perspective taking,” 152, 158, 168
physical activities, sharing with children, 189–192
Piaget, Jean, 128
play
playdates to teach social skills, 154–155
stress reduction and, 192–193
Polyvagal Theory of Arousal, 81
Porges, Stephen, 81
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 21
praise, child’s self-acceptance and, 178–179
prefrontal cortex, emotional development and, 44, 92. See also brain-body connection
problem-solving, to teach social skills, 154
prosocial behavior, 145–146
puberty, self-care and, 188–189
Putallaz, Martha, 20–21
reasonableness, modeling of, 217–218
reflective questions, for parents, 6, 52
“Being Understood” (pillar five), 207–208
“Connecting with Others” (pillar four), 172–173
“Developing Agency” pillar (pillar three), 142
“Learning to Regulate” pillar (pillar two), 100–111
“Learning to Trust” (pillar one), 77–78
You Factor and, 48
regression, in child’s behavior, 122, 181–183, 204–205
relatives, handling comments about parenting from, 205
repair and reconnection, of relationships, 69–75, 218–219
resilience
core facets of, 2–3
defined, 2
five pillars of, 5–8, 15–16, 47, 49–53
parents and, 3
Resnick, Paula, 157
rigidity, adaptability and, 14–15
rituals
gratitude and, 197
mealtimes and, 94
trust development and, 61–62
role models, from outside family, 166
role-playing, to teach social skills, 151
Romanian orphans, resilience and, 23–24
Roth, Susan, 22
routines, 58–62
assessment of children through, 59–60
comfort during uncertainty and, 14
development of trust and, 58–59
examples of, 61
flexibility and, 62
reset and repair of relationship and, 69–75, 218–219
self-care and, 187–189
stress as disruption in, 99–100, 102
tips about, 221–223
safety net, for children. See “Learning to Trust” (pillar one)
secure attachment style, 25, 171
self-acceptance. See “Being Understood” (pillar five)
self-awareness, of children in context of others, 147–149
self-care, teaching of, 187–189
self-esteem, contrasted to self-acceptance, 177–181
self-regulation. See “Learning to Regulate” (pillar two)
self-reliance. See “Developing Agency” (pillar three)
senses, using to calm child, 88–90
separation. See “Developing Agency” (pillar three)
shame and shaming, avoiding of
inadvertent shaming, 136–139, 202–204
trust and, 63–67, 71
shelters, research on attachment and, 18–20
Shonkoff, Jack, 27
sibling rivalry, tips about, 224–225
sight, using sense to calm child, 90
sleep, teaching importance of, 188
smell, using sense of to calm child, 90
social cognition, 144–145
Social Thinking web site, 157
socialization, 17, 45, 150, 154–155. See also “Connecting with Others” (pillar four)
sports, and parental support of child’s efforts, 191–192
storytelling, to teach social skills, 152–153.
See also narratives, providing meaning to events
Strange Situations research paradigm, 17
stress, recognizing and managing of, 12, 99–108
benefits of stress, 100, 101–102
disruption of routines and, 99–100, 102
homeostasis and, 100–103
list of situational stressors, 103–105
listening’s role in handling of, 105–108
play and, 192–193
“stressor” defined, 99
tips about, 219
string, as metaphor for connection of parent and child, 30, 114, 139
Sullivan, Regina, 101
tantrums, tips about, 220–221
taste, using sense of to calm child, 90
theory of mind, 63, 148–149
Thich Nhat Hanh, 177
touch, using sense of to calm child, 90
trauma
neurobiology and, 2
Polyvagal Theory of Arousal, 81
trust. See “Learning to Trust” (pillar one)
uncertainty, adapting to, 5, 11–15, 20
understanding. See “Being Understood” (pillar five)
uninvolved parenting style, 117
van der Kolk, Bessel, 21–22
volunteer activities, child’s self-acceptance and, 195–197
Wall, Sally, 25
Waters, Everett, 25
Winner, Michelle Garcia, 157
Winnicott, D. W., 46–47, 177
World Trade Center attacks, adjusting to uncertainty and, 58–59
You Factor, 32–53
awareness of impact of, 37–40, 46
being “good enough,” 45–47
“Being Understood” (pillar five), 202–207
“Connecting with Others” (pillar four), 171–172
“Developing Agency” (pillar three), 139–142
“Learning to Regulate” (pillar two), 108–110
“Learning to Trust” (pillar one), 75–77
parenting based on past experience, 33–37, 225–226
parents’ need to self-regulate, 40–45
past experience and impact on parenting, 32–37, 225–226
reflective questions, 48
About the Author
TOVAH P. KLEIN, PhD, is a psychology professor at Barnard College, Columbia University; the director of the Center for Toddler Development; and the author of How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2–5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success. In her roles as a researcher and professor, and in direct care with parents and children for over thirty years, Klein has helped to define what every child needs to thrive, regardless of their life situation. She works with programs worldwide that address the needs of children, and is highly sought after as a developmental expert on a range of timely topics and an advisor to children’s media and organizations, including National Geographic Kids, Apple TV+, the Children’s Museum of Manhattan, the Hunts Point Alliance for Children, Room to Grow, and Ubuntu Pathways South Africa. She lives in New York City with her family.
BILLIE FITZPATRICK, MA, EdM, is a writer, educator, and coauthor of numerous bestselling titles related to psychology, neuroscience, regenerative medicine, and sexuality.
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Also by Tovah P. Klein
How Toddlers Thrive
Copyright
The names and identifying details of various individuals named in this book have been changed to protect their privacy.
This book contains advice and information relating to health care. It should be used to supplement rather than replace the advice of your doctor or another trained health professional. If you know or suspect you have a health problem, it is recommended that you seek your physician’s advice before embarking on any medical program or treatment. All efforts have been made to assure the accuracy of the information contained in this book as of the date of publication. This publisher and the author disclaim liability for any medical outcomes that may occur as a result of applying the methods suggested in this book.
RAISING RESILIENCE. Copyright © 2024 by Tovah P. Klein, PhD. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Foreword copyright © 2024 by Amy Schumer
FIRST EDITION
Cover design by Pete Garceau
Cover photograph © JoKMedia/Getty Images
* * *
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Klein, Tovah P., author. | Fitzpatrick, Billie, other.
Title: Raising resilience : how to help our children thrive in times of uncertainty / Tovah P. Klein ; with Billie Fitzpatrick ; foreword by Amy Schumer.
Identifiers: LCCN 2024019069 (print) | LCCN 2024019070 (ebook) | ISBN 9780063286566 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780063286580 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Resilience (Personality trait) in children. | Child development.
Classification: LCC BF723.R46 K57 2024 (print) | LCC BF723.R46 (ebook) | DDC 155.4/124—dc23/eng/20240509
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024019069
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024019070
* * *
Digital Edition SEPTEMBER 2024 ISBN: 978-0-06-328658-0
Version 08022024ER
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-328656-6
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Tovah P. Klein PhD, Raising Resilience
