I'll Be Here For You, page 20
I sighed, finding again no solution to help her out. "Yeah, I know."
For a while nothing was said, until I brought up those papers again. Clara huffed as she continued moving them around and restacking them. "Peter gave me these today cuz he wanted me to pass them around. They're for a concert. We're playing at the Cerberus tomorrow night. You should come actually, if you want."
The Cerberus. Someplace I vowed never ever to go in my entire life.
Every town has it's own place where teenagers flock to by the hundreds. Ours was a grungy little bar also known as The Cerberus Pub, where the alcohol was cheap and they didn't care who bought it. To say that it wasn't my scene would be an extreme understatement. I've heard there was so much bad stuff that happened down there like drug dealing and even a gun was fired a couple times. And of course knowing the nerd that I am and my past obsession with mythology and Percy Jackson, Cerberus is the name of a three headed dog that would guard the gates of Hades and prevent any of the dead from leaving the Underworld. That's not the most welcoming name for a bar in my opinion.
So Clara telling me that I should go was almost an absolute no. With all of the crap that happens there I was surprised I didn't outright tell her on the spot that there was no way in hell I was going. And I definitely didn't want to be encouraging her to keep going behind her parents' backs. As a good and responsible friend, I should be telling her that it was dangerous or something.
And I couldn't. I don't know why the hell I didn't. It was probably the fact that I wanted Clara to be happy. And I could tell that playing music with her band made her very, very happy.
I turned to Mae. "You going?" I asked her, hoping that she would say no so that I could say no and not go.
Chapter 61
Instead Mae instantly brightened up. "You bet! I haven't missed one of their concerts yet they're amazing!"
Well so much for that plan. I focused my attention on the other member of our group. "Finn?" Please say no, please say no.
"Of course. Lou, honestly, you should come. You need to live a little bit! It'll be fun promise."
I groaned loudly and I could've sworn a librarian at the complete opposite end of the library shushed me. "For the last time, stop calling me that! I hate it. It's awful. It's like if you combine peanut butter with lemon juice and broccoli and French fries together and then make me drink it. That's how awful it is to me."
The rest of the group laughed at me and the same librarian shushed us but we didn't care and we ended up ignoring her anyways. "Can someone explain to me why Louisa's analogies just get weirder and weirder the more time we spend with her?" Finn cracked up at his own statement and I rolled my eyes at him.
"I guess the world will never know." I shrugged.
Clara started muttering under her breath. "At least you didn't get compared to a bland piece of toast." And the whole table burst into laughter again.
After that we went back to doing our own things. Clara, still not any less nervous about the concert, kept moving her papers, which I'm assuming now were concert flyers. Mae and Finn moved on to thumb wrestling and I tried to read my book again. Key emphasis on tried.
I think five minutes passed by until I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed something to do. Reading still wasn't working to keep my mind off of the things that I didn't want to be thinking about.
I stood up suddenly and placed my outstretched hand in front of Clara. "Well, hand me your concert flyers."
"Wait-what?"
"The flyers. I want to help you." I said simply.
I swear, the amount of shock and excitement in Clara's voice was unbelievable, well for her standards at least. I couldn't help but smile. "Wait, so that means you're coming?"
I nodded, trying to play it off like it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't like I was terrified of that pub. It wasn't like I would probably get flashbacks because of what happened that night, the reason why my dad's death was my fault.
"Of course. I want to hear you guys play. Now hand me those flyers and I'll help you pass them out."
I think Clara was still a little bit in shock. "Really?"
"Yes really. The flyers, Clara?" A thick wad of paper was placed in my hand and upon receiving them, I winked at my friends. "Alright guys, I guess I'll be back in a jiffy."
I could hear Finn calling out to me as I walked away. "Why do you use such weird words? You sound super old fashioned, Lou!"
"Stop calling me that!"
"Not happening!" He turned to Mae and Clara and spoke quietly as if he was pretending that I couldn't hear him. "I mean who even says jiffy anymore?" I smiled and shook my head at him, wondering why I had such incredibly weird friends.
I positioned myself outside the library doors. I felt like the crowd that would go to the Cerberus wasn't going to be the everyday book-lover like me, but I was too lazy and I didn't want to walk that far. I pulled my hair off of my face and into a pony-tail as I got to work.
Every time I would hear footsteps, I would stick out the flyer in their general direction and I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, there's a concert on Friday! Please go and support my friend!"
I was surprised at how many people actually took the flyer. Clara came out and joined me eventually because she told me that she felt bad that I was out here helping her alone. Together we passed out a lot of flyers and I could tell that Clara was getting more excited about her concert by the second.
That's when I felt it. It was something that I couldn't really describe, but I could almost always feel his presence. I would know when he would walk into the room or when he would leave it and I would know if he stood in front of me or on the wall at the complete opposite corner. I would just know.
He also always smelled very faintly of oranges and cedar. I never really picked up on it before but I would recognize it anywhere, it was just him. And by now I practically memorized the way his heavy tread sounded as his footsteps moved across the pavement.
I knew all of these things. And yet, for some reason, I ignored them. I didn't know he was the one walking up to me even though I had noticed all the tiny details already. For some reason, my brain didn't put two and two together. It didn't process who was walking towards me, even though my subconscious already knew who it was.
That's why I offered him the flyer. I smiled at the person walking by, completely oblivious, and I gave my little speech. "Hey! My friend has a concert on Friday and their band is amazing! Please take a flyer and go support their band!"
Clara stilled next to me. I didn't know why at first until she said, "Alex?"
My blood instantly ran a little cold. I was so stunned that I didn't even realize I was holding my breath, waiting for him to say something or do anything. I never think I blushed so hard in my entire life. I couldn't stay still either because I could feel his eyes on me, studying me.
I whispered his name, completely in shock that he just showed up out of the blue. It was like I said it almost as if to convince myself that he was here right now standing in front of me. I think that I was so in shock that that's why I did what I did.
I didn't care that we hadn't been talking for a week that felt like a year. I didn't care that he was mad at me. I didn't care that when he was standing in front of me I forgot what had happened between us.
Chapter 62
I hugged him, holding on to him tightly. I missed him so much. It felt like an eternity since I saw him last.
He raised his arms, almost going to hug me back. It took him two seconds before he realized that he still didn't want to talk to me and he let his arms drop at his sides. They hung awkwardly, and I felt a pang of disappointment that hit me way too hard. When he refused to even hug me back, it was almost as bad as if he had slapped me. All of the air left my lungs and I couldn't suck in a full breath.
Clara backed away, her footsteps retreating towards the library. "I'm just going to go..." She said, quickly disappearing through the double doors.
I didn't want to let go of Alex. A part of my brain was still trying to comprehend that he was here with me right now, in my arms. When he moved away from me, another wave of disappointment and sadness hit me. I kept my head downcast, not even daring to show my face to him. A tear slipped off my face and landed at my feet.
"Are you okay?"
Those words were the only thing that left my mouth because I didn't know what else to say. It was all I really wanted to know. I just wanted to know how he was doing. I cared about him so much and I didn't want to let that one stupid kiss ruin what we had, friendship or even something more.
"Not really." His words were so soft that I had to strain my ears to hear them. When I did, I felt a pit of emptiness inside my stomach. That warmth, that happiness that I was accustomed to hearing when he spoke was gone. He seemed like a completely different person without it.
I already knew that he wasn't doing alright. I mean he's fighting for his brother to stay with him while at the same time knowing that he'd probably be better off with his mom. Then there was me and I didn't really help things either. But hearing him say that out loud, the first time I've ever heard his voice in seemingly forever, just made it all the more real.
I didn't know what else to say so I gave him my automatic response whenever someone was struggling. "You know I'm always here for you ri-"
"Just stop, Louisa."
I blinked, stunned. "What?"
He barely even hesitated before he started talking again. "I know you're there. I know I can always talk to you. It's just, god, I'm having such a hard time of it right now."
What do I say to that? I stammered out a response, unsure of myself and what to say. "It's okay. You can take your time. I know I hurt you when I didn't push him away and I'm so sorry about that. I understand if you don't want to talk to me right now. It's okay." I don't know why I said that when I knew I definitely was not okay with not talking to him.
"No, it's not okay, Louisa, don't pretend like it is."
Well at least we're on the same page.
He continued, wringing out his hands and fidgeting with his feet. "I don't want more space, but I need it. I want to talk to you, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's not your fault, but I can't...I can't not think that..."
"I get it." I said, and I did. I blamed Alex for what happened in the forest when we played paintball. I got over it pretty quickly but still, Alex told me he'd be my eyes. I trusted him to not let anything happen to me. And something did.
He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I knew that he was the one who kissed you and you didn't kiss him first, I get it. It's just I... I poured out my heart to you literally hours before. And then to see you kissing another guy not long after, it just hurt me. A lot."
"I know." My voice was just as quiet as his.
We stood for not even a couple seconds longer before he took a step backwards. "Sorry, Louisa. I just can't deal with this right now."
When he left I stood there in a daze, still a little shocked at what just happened. After a long time, I finally ended up back inside the library to find my feet making their way back towards where we were sitting.
Mae called out from the couch in a very concerned tone. "Louisa, are you okay?" I didn't get to answer because the tears were already rushing down my face and in two seconds, Mae tackled me with a hug.
What do I do now?
I couldn't believe that I was actually here right now.
Like I said, the Cerberus was a very scary place. It wasn't my hangout spot of the year that's for sure. With how many booze and drugs were here, I'm surprised that nobody got killed or something bad happen. Well I did mention earlier that a couple years back there were shots fired but no one got injured. That's why my mom would absolutely kill me if she knew I was here. It definitely was not the safest place.
Clara came over to me, lazily putting her arm around my shoulders as she slumped over to the point that I was basically supporting her entire body weight. Her breath reeked of alcohol and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. Wait... was she? "Clara! Are you already drunk? We've been here only for thirty minutes!"
She rose her hand to her face, probably chugging whatever she was drinking in her hand. "Lou hon, I'm very tipsy, not drunk. I take a shot or two or three or more to help with the nerves before the concert, you know?" Clara said, hiccupping after her last statement.
"No, I don't know. What if you end up playing worse because of it? And I think you're actually-"
"Not drunk. Geez, Lou, can you not be the voice of reason for one day?" She said, finishing my statement for me and forcing something into my hand. "You should drink that, you need it."
Chapter 63
I felt the cold bottle in my grasp and I wrinkled my nose again. "What is this? Beer?"
"Well I didn't want you to start off with vodka that's for sure. Although if you want to..."
"No. I don't even want the beer." I said, letting her know that alcohol wasn't an option for me.
Clara sighed, slurring her next words. "Just hold it then, Lou. We don't want other people offering you things and slipping something in them. Just stay safe, alright. I mean your divine protector Clara Nakamura is going up on stage in less than three seconds."
My eyes widened. Was her entire band going to appear without her there? "Then go, Clara!"
She laughed at my panicked face. "Alright, alright going." Clara took one step and then immediately turned right back around to face me. "You're going to be okay, right Louisa?" Her voice was laced with concern, and it surprised me a little.
"Of course. Don't worry about me and go have fun. Plus I have Mae!" I said, winking at Clara.
As soon as I gave her my affirmative response she slipped away into the very large crowd that was forming right before the stage. But that doesn't mean I couldn't hear her calling back to me from wherever she was now. "I wouldn't be too sure about that!"
And she was right. While Clara was making her way to the stage, I attempted to find Mae in the mass amount of people. I called her name over and over, my voice getting lost in all the cheering. I don't know how Mae found me again but she did and soon enough she was right beside me... except she was worse off than Clara.
"Louisa Olivia Kelley." Mae slurred as she threw her arms around me. What the... "I'm missed you so damn much. How long has it been? Like five...ten...twenty years?"
"Try thirty seconds. And it's Louisa Josephine Kelley, my middle name isn't Olivia." I stated, rolling my eyes at her.
"No it's not!" Mae's voice boomed and I instantly cringed at how loud it was and how much attention it attracted. Mae's voice lowered now, like she was telling me the biggest secret in the world. "I'm sure of it, it's because your mom's name is Olivia, right?"
Oh my goodness. Just how much has she had to drink tonight? "No, Mae, you're thinking of yourself. Your middle name and your mom's name is Olivia. Remember?"
"Huh?" Mae stilled for a moment, probably trying to think if that was true or not. "Geez, you're so right, Lou! I'm talking about myself! Sorry bout that." She said, patting me a little too aggressively on my arm.
I winced, pulling her arm away so she didn't hit me again. This is why I hated parties and alcohol. I loved my friends, don't get me wrong, but not like this. This was just on a whole other level that I had to deal with. I didn't know what to do with them! Should I tell Mae to stop drinking or would she just get mad at me and run away, leaving me hanging out in the crowd by myself? I didn't know how she would react and I didn't want to spend the rest of my night looking for her!
Before I had the opportunity to answer that question and act upon it, the crowd burst into cheers as Clara took the microphone. "Hey everybody thanks for coming out tonight! We are Inception and this first song is called Echo!"
Next to me, Mae called out, "Wait, isn't Inception that one movie with Leonardo DiCaprio?"
Seriously? Why is that important right now? "Yeah, it's pretty good. Why do you ask?"
"Because! Leonardo DiCaprio is so hot. I want to marry him right now." She blurted out.
I frowned, thinking of how awful that would be to be married to a movie star. "You really want to live the life of a celebrity and never have any privacy wherever you go?"
Mae laughed next to me as she hooked an arm around my shoulder. "Eh, when you put it like that no way. Besides, Finn's way hotter anyways."
That was when my jaw dropped. Mae and I talked about Finn a lot, but every time I would mention him she would just shrug it off and say how stupid and awful he was. They always fought, like all the time. They would insult each other twenty four seven. I mean I thought that maybe, maybe Finn could have a thing for her because he was so protective of her that one day in the hallways when I sprained my arm. And I may have wanted them to get together ever since. But there was no way that I thought it was the other way around, not the way Mae acted around him and treated him.
I turned towards her, the shock still displayed on my face. "Mae! Are you being serious with me right now? Do you like Finn then?"
I could feel her shrug, except it was awkward with her arm still on top of my shoulders. "What can I say? Gingers are mighty fine."
I don't think it was possible that my eyes could've opened any wider or my jaw drop any further. Mae had officially blown my mind. Wait, does she actually like him or is that just the alcohol talking? I was about to voice my question to her when suddenly the bass and the guitar kicked in, filling the whole place with a wall of sound.
Mae cheered next to me so loud I thought my eardrums were going to blow from her screaming and the deafening music that was boosted by the extremely large speakers near the front of the stage. I sighed, turning back to face the stage myself to do what I came here to do, listen to Clara play. I would get more answers out of Mae when she was sober. I didn't trust what she said when she was as completely drunk as she was now.
