Uncle johns fast acting.., p.1

Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader, page 1

 

Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader
 



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Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader


  Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Bathroom Readers’ Press (2012)

  * * *

  * * *

  Uncle John’s

  FAST-ACTING

  LONG-LASTING

  BATHROOM

  READER

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “I love to read your books. They make the world a better place.”

  —Dan A.

  “I worship your books. They are the best. Congratulations on making the only book I’ve read in five years that I wasn’t forced to read. Rock on!”

  —Vincent D.

  “My four children, ages 12 through 18, have learned more from the Bathroom Readers than any other book. Can’t wait for the next edition to come flowing out of the bookstores! You deserve a seat on the throne. You have helped us freshen up our intellect!”

  —Linda L.

  “I have finally found a place of refuge in the worst of times. The BATHROOM. With your Bathroom Reader and an iPod, my bathroom experiences are great. Thanks. Keep bringing those books.”

  —Tony C.

  “I learned a lot from Bathroom Readers. I only read two but it’s like reading 500 regular information books.”

  —Randy R.

  “My son is CRAZY for Bathroom Readers! Every October he says, ‘Don’t forget my new BR for Christmas, Mom.’ And, of course, he gets one. (He got his buddies at work hooked on them, too.)”

  —Marie S.

  “I love the Bathroom Reader series. Your books are funny, clever, informative, and at times, quite touching. They’re a cross between the Encyclopedia Britannica, Poor Richard’s Almanac, and Mad Magazine. Keep up the great work!”

  —Your #1 celebrity fan, Eddie Deezen (The guy who played Eugene in Grease, Malvin in WarGames, Dopey in Attack of the Killer Bimbos, and has voiced dozens of cartoon characters)

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  FAST-ACTING LONG-LASTING

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2005 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc.

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)

  BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader® by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-600-5

  E-book edition: Februrary 2012

  * * *

  Miss Nevada, 1959, was Dawn Wells. Five years later, she starred as Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island.

  Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jesse!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Thom Little

  Jay Newman

  Julia Papps

  Brian Boone

  John Gaffey

  Jeff Altemus

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Jahnna Beecham

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Angela Kern

  Rain Thering

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Gideon Javna

  Sydney Stanley

  Paul Stanley

  Allen Orso

  Jenny Baldwin

  Nancy Toeppler

  JoAnn Padgett

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Scarab Media

  Jef Fretwell

  Kristine Hemp

  Dan Schmitz

  Connie Vazquez

  Richard Staples

  Jeremy Busch

  Debi Taylor

  Kyle Coroneos

  Rad Welles

  Jack Mingo

  Erin Barrett

  Jennifer Thornton

  Jennifer Browning

  Dan Mansfield

  Maggie Javna

  (Mr.) Mustard Press

  Steven Style Group

  Mana Monzavi

  Keziah Veres

  Shannon Kehle

  Angela Worthington

  Barb Porshe

  Paula Leith

  Chris Olsen

  Rebecca Kaiser

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  * * *

  “Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster is goes.”

  —Andy Rooney

  Huh? The word school comes from the Greek word for “leisure.”

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  * Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Medium

  Oops!

  Uncle John’s Creative Teaching Awards

  Hamburger 911

  The Doctor is Out (of His Mind)

  Oops!

  Fake News

  Oops!

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom Names

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  The Dawn of Fertilization

  Bathroom News

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Food of the Gods

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Medium

  Too Risky for Guinness

  Cheddar Man

  Go, Granny, Go

  Double Trouble

  Weird Beauty Pageants

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  You Call That Art?

  Edited for Sensitivity

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  Bad Granny

  The Pajama Report

  Long

  “I Know Someone Who Looks Just Like You”

  TV OR NOT TV

  Medium

  Wacky TV

  Alternate TV Guide

  The Vampire Slayer

  Long

  *The Miniseries

  CRÈME DE LA CRUD

  Medium

  Bad Musicals

  Video Stinkers

  Lemons

  HUT HUT HIKE!

  Short

  Football Names

  Hut 1…Hut 2…Hike!

  Medium

  Pudge Goes Pro

  Halftime

  Long

  The Birth of the NFL, Part I

  The Birth of the NFL, Part II

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Life in 1902

  Life in 1966

  Medium

  The Woman Emperor

  Forgotten History: Shays’ Rebellion

  Infamous Weapons

  Vanished!

  Secret Subway
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  Long

  The Great Pig War

  Just Plane Amazing

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Firsts

  What Does it Take?

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  Famous Lasts

  Unplanned World Records

  Dubious Achievers

  Longest Lasting…

  Medium

  What Side Are You On?

  Unplanned World Records

  Nudes & Prudes

  Nudes & Prudes

  BUSINESS

  Short

  Odd Promotions

  Plop, Plop, Quiz, Quiz

  Finger Lickin’ Quiz

  Medium

  Capital-ism

  Brand Names

  But Wait! There’s More!

  Here Comes the Spammobile!

  Pain in the…

  Funny Business

  Long

  But Wait! There’s Still More!

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Origin of Nachos

  Medium

  They Are What You Eat

  Name Your Poison

  You Want Fries with That?

  Scotland’s Dish

  13 Names for a 12-inch Sandwich

  The Man Who Saved a Billion Lives

  Long

  *Tiny Bubbles

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Famous Last Words

  Medium

  The Body Farm

  Long

  *Ashes to Ashes

  CANADIANA

  Short

  Canadians on Canada

  Medium

  Weird Canada

  The Foggiest Place on Earth

  Hair in Canada

  Long

  Welcome to Nunavut

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  A Lazy Lump of Cheese

  Flubbed Headlines

  Warning Labels

  Brits vs. Yanks

  Moles and Mice

  You Yell, We Shell!

  Brainteasers

  Fictionary

  UJPORAD

  Lost in Translation

  Why Ask Why?

  Tongue Twisters

  Getting Personal

  My Other Vehicle is in Orbit

  Spelling Test

  Uji! Hanabata!

  Word Games

  Ice Cream Toilets

  Angels & Honey Traps

  APOUJRAD

  Suck Wind, Goofy Foot!

  Frosted Lungs and Halibut Heads

  Smudgers & Sleepers

  I WILL SURVIVE

  Short

  Uncle John Helps Out Around the House

  Uncle John Cleans Your Kitchen

  Medium

  Amazing Escapes

  Long

  BRI Survival Guide

  BRI Survival Guide

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  There Oughta Be a Law

  The Wright Stuff

  Oprah’s Insights

  It’s All About Me

  Happiness Is

  A Room of Her Own

  Ratherisms

  Warholisms

  Brushstrokes

  Carnegie’s Wisdom

  Medium

  Poor Rich People

  LAW AND ORDER

  Short

  Looney Laws

  Dumb Crooks

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  It’s a Weird, Weird Crime

  Two-Timing

  Police Squad

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Welcome to Ten Sleep

  Medium

  Strange Tourist Attractions

  The Sad Tale of Centralia

  Fictional Vacation

  Frontier Women

  Viva La Rebellion!

  TOYS AND AMUSEMENTS

  Short

  Party Games

  What a Doll

  Medium

  Toy Fads

  Wide World of Weird Sports

  What a Doll

  MYTHS AND LEGENDS

  Short

  What Dreams Mean

  Medium

  History’s Myth-Stories

  Curses!

  The Wind Eagle

  The Death of Superman

  The 12 Days of Mythmas

  The Curse of the Cursing Stone

  The Curse of the Little Rascals

  The Curse of the Iceman

  The Divine Wind

  MUSIC

  Short

  Musical Notes

  Bagpiper’s Fungus

  Rocking-Chair Rockers

  Medium

  Unsung Heroes

  The King’s Jewels

  Amazing Grace

  Audio Treasures

  HEROES AND VILLAINS

  Short

  Kid Stuff

  Medium

  Wrong Way Corrigan

  The First Black American Sea Captain

  Local Hero: Leroy Gorham

  The Death Ray!

  REEL STUFF

  Short

  Hollywood Lists

  Medium

  “I Spy…” at the Movies

  When Real Life Becomes Reel Life

  Big, Starring Harrison Ford

  Crazy for Star Wars

  Long

  The Little Rascals

  *The Little Rascals Hall of Fame

  ORIGINS

  Medium

  Car Tunes

  Founding Fathers

  Random Origins

  What a Dish!

  Boomerang!

  Founding Fathers

  Long

  Tick Tock Timeline

  *First Glass

  *Phonograph Wars

  THE PRINTED WORD

  Medium

  A Tale of a Whale

  Unlikely Best Sellers

  Odd Facts about Charles Dickens

  First-Class Mail

  Classic Hammett

  Long

  *Hard-Boiled

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Anatomy of a Hiccup

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Let’s Do a Study!

  Medium

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Earth’s Greatest Hits

  Royal Purple

  Strange Inventions

  According to the Latest Research

  Modern Maladies

  Street Number Numerology

  Fire 101

  The Robots are Coming!

  Canoe Plants

  Hi Phi

  According to the Latest Research

  *Savant Syndrome

  WORD ORIGINS

  Medium

  Word Origins

  Word Origins

  Word Origins

  SPIES & CONSPIRACIES

  Medium

  Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part I

  D. B. Cooper

  It’s a Conspiracy!

  Long

  The Leaded Gas Conspiracy

  Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part II

  Spy Hunt: Gray Deceiver, Part III

  ANIMALS

  Short

  Chicken Nuggets

  Commie Crabs and Third-Reich Raccoons

  Good Dog!

  Bad Dog!

  Hippos in the News

  Medium

  Animal Science

  Animals in the News

  Long

  The Sad Fate of Murderous Mary

  TRICKS & HOAXES

  Short

  Just Plane Weird

  Medium

  April Fools!

  A Barrel of Laughs

  Hoax!

  Aunt Shari’s Amazing Powers

  POLITICS

  Short

  Politalks

  Medium

  The Politically Correct Quiz #1

  A Peach of an Election

&nb
sp; Senate Scuffles

  The Politically Correct Quiz #2

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Famous Dropouts

  Medium

  Name That Voice

  Celebrity Gossip

  Fabulous Flop: The Delorean, Part I

  Long

  The Tallest Man in the World

  Fabulous Flop: The Delorean, Part II

  Answer Pages

  * * *

  Consumed at the 2005 Super Bowl in Houston, Texas

  15,000 hot dogs, 9,000 gallons of soft drinks, 6,400 cookies, 4,000 baked potatoes, 3,000 barbecue sandwiches, and 261 gallons of chili. Super Bowl Sunday is the second biggest food consumption day of the year (after Thanksgiving).

  A NOTE FROM YOUR FAVORITE UNCLE

  Welcome one and all to our 18th edition, Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader. We think the title is a pretty accurate description of the reading material you’ll find in any Bathroom Reader. Our articles not only provide you with fun information that you can absorb fast, we hope the knowledge you gain will be long-lasting, remaining in your brain for years to come. For instance, did you know that houseflies hum in the key of F? Now you do (and you’ll probably remember it for the rest of your life).

  What’s the most astonishing thing we’ve learned after 18 years of making Bathroom Readers? It’s that there’s still so much to write about, so many fascinating topics to be explored (and so many bad jokes to tell). Each year we have to dig a little deeper to find them, but once again, the remarkable BRI staff has uncovered a treasure trove of fresh new topics. So expect to find a lot of little-known historical happenings that have had a lasting impact on the future: the first African-American sea captain, the phonograph wars, and the man who gave us leaded gas. On a happier note, you’ll also read about the person who may have saved a billion lives. How? Turn to page 445.

  What else have we got in store for you? Loads:

  • Origins: The boomerang, the clock, the spy novel, and nachos.

  • Curses! From the Ice Man to the Little Rascals.

  • Pop Science: Hiccups, canoe plants, modern maladies, mad scientists, and rigor mortis.

  • Sports: The long-awaited conclusion to the history of football tells the story of what happened when the pros took over.

  • Duh! Dumb crooks, dumb politicians, dumb celebrities, and a woman who called 911 because she was having a cheeseburger emergency at the drive-thru window.

  • Useful Information: Audio treasures, video stinkers, and survival tips that will come in handy in an array of catastrophes.

  • The Strange: A beauty pageant held in a Lithuanian women’s prison, a tortoise that adopted an orphaned hippopotamus, and a toothless man who stole toothbrushes.

  Now comes the part where I get to thank our dedicated staff for going the extra mile to bring you an extra-great book.

  • To our in-house outhouse writers—John D, Thom, Brian, and Jay, all of whom spent hot summer days in the cool confines of our little, red house in Ashland, Oregon—great work! (And thanks for the laughs!)

 
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