Twenty one truths about.., p.1

Twenty-one Truths About Love, page 1

 

Twenty-one Truths About Love
 


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Twenty-one Truths About Love


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  Table of Contents

  About the Author

  Copyright Page

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  St. Martin’s Press ebook.

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  FOR SHEP,

  WHO ALWAYS GETS IT,

  EVEN WHEN IT’S POSSIBLY

  JUST HIM AND ME

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Boundless thanks to the following people for making this book possible:

  My wife, Elysha, who I write for first and foremost, even when she’s not reading my stuff on a timely basis (or at all).

  My in-laws, Barbara and Gerry Green, for continuing to fill my life with their enthusiasm, excitement, and unsolicited counsel. About once a month, Gerry will say, “Tell me something exciting, Matt! Give me some news!” He has no idea how long I have waited for someone to ask me questions like that.

  Matthew Shepard, who remains my first reader and the person who always sees what others do not.

  My brother, Jeremy, who offered a solution to a sticking point in this book that threatened to derail the whole damn thing. I might still be trying to get unstuck if not for his brilliant suggestion, offered while sitting in section 331 of Gillette Stadium, watching the Patriots win another game alongside me.

  Donna Gosk and Amy Doherty, who read these lists before they were even a novel, when professional development seminars were proving to be less than professional and hardly developmental. My attempts to make them laugh with amusing bits of nonsense unexpectedly resulted in this story.

  Steve Brouse, who allowed himself to unknowingly be co-opted as a character for this novel and not protesting after the fact. He is exactly as he is portrayed in this novel: brilliant, bold, and unwaveringly ethical beyond compare.

  All of my friends who graciously read the early drafts of this book and told me when I was being obtuse, confusing, and tragically unamusing. Your untempered, hurtful words have helped to make this book so much better.

  Kaitlin Severini, my copy editor, who has not only spared me many a literary embarrassment but has gone above and beyond the call of duty researching, confirming, and correcting multiple bits of nonfiction references in this book and correcting my math again and again. The job of a copy editor knows no bounds. They are truly the Swiss Army knives of the literary world, and I’m so pleased that Kaitlin Severini was so sharp.

  NaNá Stoelzle, the proofreader of the final text of this book. As a perfectionist, even the smallest error makes me lose my mind. Knowing that a professional perfectionist read every line of this book allows me to sleep well at night.

  Every person who told me with absolute certainty that a bunch of lists could never tell a story. I love it when people tell me what I can’t do, and I love saying, “I told you so” even more.

  Hannah Braaten, my editor and coconspirator, who rescued this book from the hinterland and carried it to the mountaintop. I feel so very fortunate to have found someone so talented and so skilled to shepherd my work from scratches and scribbles to a real life book.

  Lastly, thanks to Taryn Fagerness, my agent, friend, and partner in this creative life. She found me in the slush pile years ago and changed my life forever. She makes my sentences better, my stories better, and as a result, my life better. It’s not often that another human being can make your dreams come true, but she did, and I am forever thankful.

  NOVEMBER

  NOVEMBER 1

  8:15 PM

  Ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant

  Refuse to have sex

  Fake orgasms

  Wear a condom without her knowledge

  Get a vasectomy without her knowledge

  Realistic ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant

  Fake orgasms

  NOVEMBER 2

  6:00 AM

  Finances

  Savings: 11,562

  Income

  What I tell Jill: 1,800

  Reality: 773

  Jill: 2,900

  Expenses

  Mortgage: 2,206

  Toyota: 276

  Honda: 318

  Car insurance: 175

  Student loans: 395

  Cable and Internet: 215

  Electric: 85

  Oil: 775! (WTF?)

  Phones: 180

  Gas: 120

  Other stuff: Too much

  Number of months before we run out of money

  9

  Number of months before Jill thinks we will run out of money

  Never

  Number of minutes per hour that I worry about running out of money

  52 (approximately)

  NOVEMBER 4

  6:00 AM

  DAYS WITHOUT

  Chocolate glazed doughnuts

  443

  Gum

  12

  Crying

  19

  Little Debbie Snack Cakes

  1

  Green vegetables

  9

  Flossing

  0

  Retail rage

  3

  Regret over quitting my job

  0

  Dad

  5,647

  NOVEMBER 4

  8:10 AM

  5 Problems with Lying

  We lie most often to the people we love.

  There is no greater shame than getting caught in a lie.

  A lie often requires additional lies, making it impossible to ever come clean.

  Liars are the worst human beings.

  Lies always cover up the worst parts of you.

  NOVEMBER 4

  8:40 AM

  How liars with the best intentions are like the owners of every iteration of Jurassic Park

  They never set out to hurt anyone.

  They operate with enormous hubris.

  Denial both perpetuates and intensifies the problem.

  The situation inevitably gets worse and worse as time goes by.

  The end is never pretty.

  Serious question about all Jurassic Park movies

  Why not create only plant-eating dinosaurs? Are brontosauruses and stegosauruses really not exciting enough?

  How the brontosaurus is like purgatory

  The brontosaurus was a dinosaur, then it wasn’t a dinosaur, but now it might be a dinosaur after all.

  NOVEMBER 4

  9:30 AM

  A New Chapter Picks of the Month for November

  Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson (Jim Hawkins was the John McClane of his day)

  Ready Player One by Ernest Cline (Ernest Cline apparently lives in my teenage brain)

  Open: An Autobiography by Andre Agassi

  World War Z by Max Brooks

  Ballistics: Poems by Billy Collins

  Preferred Choice of Name for Billy Collins (best to worst)

  Billy Collins

  Will Collins

  Bill Collins

  William Collins

  Willy Collins

  Preferred Choice of Name for Me (best to worst)

  Dan Mayrock

  Daniel Mayrock

  ANYTHING ELSE


  Danny Mayrock

  Nicknames for William that the Internet says are real but are not

  Liam

  Wills

  Wylie

  NOVEMBER 5

  11:30 AM

  Einstein’s Conditions Upon Which He Agreed to Remain Married to His Wife for the Sake of the Children

  CONDITIONS

  A.  You will make sure:

  that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;

  that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;

  that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.

  B.  You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:

  my sitting at home with you;

  my going out or travelling with you.

  C.  You will obey the following points in your relations with me:

  you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;

  you will stop talking to me if I request it;

  you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.

  D.  You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

  Conditions Upon Which I Will Agree to Remain Married to Jill (also a real list)

  CONDITIONS

  A.  You will allow me to continue to be your husband.

  B.  You won’t kill me in my sleep.

  Cosmopolitan and Sex

  Number of times I’ve seen a Cosmo cover advertising an article featuring triple-digit sex tips: 9

  Number of times I’ve been tempted to purchase one of these magazines for the sex tips: 9

  Number of times I’ve bought one of these magazines for the sex tips: 3

  Total number of sex tips in combined magazines that I have purchased: 304

  Total number of useful sex tips: 1

  Total number of useful sex tips in Jill’s opinion: 0

  NOVEMBER 6

  4:20 PM

  Text messages from Jill at lunchtime

  I wish Jasper wasn’t so stupid. How do idiots become principals?

  The usual stupid stuff. Can’t keep his lies straight. Selfish assholery.

  You’re lucky you escaped this place.

  I miss you being here. I liked seeing you during the day.

  No, I’m fine. Stay there. Sell books.

  Seriously, I’m good. I have Julie and Lisa and tomato soup.

  Can you pick up dog food on the way home from the store? Blue Buffalo.

  I don’t want to hear it. Clarence deserves the best.

  The size of gummy worms compared to the size of gummy bears makes me question the whole gummy universe.

  Love you more.

  NOVEMBER 8

  11:00 AM

  Proof that I am stupid

  When I was a kid, I dropped my cotton candy on the ground and tried to wash it off with the hose.

  When I was in high school, I still couldn’t understand why “a quarter past the hour” wasn’t 25 minutes past the hour, because a quarter is 25 cents.

  I always mop myself into the corner of a room.

  I once asked a police officer (in all sincerity) how she would handcuff a one-armed suspect.

  I thought that women had prostates until very, very recently.

  When I was a little kid, I thought that actors actually died in real life when they filmed death scenes for movies, so I was afraid to watch anything but cartoons.

  I only found out recently that a pickle is a desecrated cucumber.

  I didn’t realize that fruit juice was loaded with calories until I had gained 20 pounds.

  When I was in Mrs. Lavern’s third-grade class, I explained to my classmates that a new moon was when the moon goes away and is replaced by an entirely new moon. Then I tried to pretend like I was joking even though everyone knew that I wasn’t. Then I started crying.

  NOVEMBER 10

  9:10 AM

  5 years of Jill

  Sat beside Jill in first faculty meeting

  Made Jill laugh in first faculty meeting

  Fell in love with Jill at first faculty meeting

  Pined over Jill while she dated fucking Feeney

  Waited inappropriate amount of time after breakup with Feeney (3 days)

  Dated Jill

  Learned about Peter

  Wondered if I could date a widow

  Realized I was being stupid

  Wondered if I was being stupid

  One-year anniversary at Niagara Falls cheap motel

  Dumped by Jill

  23 days of hell

  Dated Jill again

  Moved in with Jill

  Proposed to Jill on our second anniversary

  Admit to never wanting children “never, ever, ever”

  Negotiation (fight) over children

  “The 72 Hours of Silence”

  Concession (Jill would say “agreement”) over children

  Negotiation over religion of children

  Second thoughts (me, but maybe [probably] Jill, too)

  Called off engagement (in my mind only)

  Second thoughts a second time

  Ice-cold feet

  Married

  Bought house on Magnolia Hill

  One-year wedding anniversary in Kennebunkport, Maine

  Quit teaching

  Opened bookstore

  Failed renegotiation over children

  Attempted baby making

  Fake orgasms

  NOVEMBER 12

  8:30 AM

  Solutions to pending financial disaster

  Second job (what? when? how would I explain it to Jill?)

  Lottery

  Write a novel (can you actually make money doing this?)

  Day-trading (Do I need money to start?) (Is it a thing?)

  Poker

  Thank-you note idea

  Write to millionaires

  Realistic but impossible solutions to pending financial disaster

  Admit to Jill that I’m a failure (this would not actually solve the problem)

  Ask Mom for a loan

  Ask Jake for a loan

  Find an investor for a marginally profitable bookstore

  Best but still impossible solutions

  Make the bookstore more profitable

  Best solutions if I had a time machine

  Un-quit my teaching position

  Don’t open the bookstore

  Don’t allow 13 months of denial and lies to pile up while our savings account disappears before thinking about telling Jill

  Ways of making the bookstore more profitable

  Sell more books

  Charge more for books

  Negotiate a lower rent

  Lay off employees

  Preferred order of layoffs (in an ideal world)

  Kimberly

  Sharon

  Amy

  Jenny

  Steve

  Realistic order of layoffs (in a world where I’m afraid of a certain employee)

  Sharon

  Jenny

  Amy

  Steve

  Kimberly

  NOVEMBER 15

  5:40 AM

  Shopping List

  Special K (no fake strawberries)

  Dog food

  AA batteries

  Extra-chunky peanut butter

  Little Debbie Snack Cakes

  Day Trading for Dummies

  Poker for Dummies

  Tulips

  Kettle ball

  Powerball ticket

  Birthday present for Mom

  NOVEMBER 15

  7:50 PM

  Things that exist that I didn’t think existed

  Day Trading for Dummies

  Things that don’t exist that I thought did

  Kettle balls

  A way of explaining to a muscular salesperson why
you thought a kettlebell was called a “kettle ball” without sounding stupid or slightly perverted

  NOVEMBER 15

  10:30 PM

  Division of Labor

  JILL:

  Shops for food and most household goods

  Cooks almost all meals (doesn’t like my cooking)

  Sweeps (so she claims)

  Washes, folds, and never fucking puts the laundry away

  Weeds flower beds

  Changes sheets

  Walks and feeds Clarence

  Cleans bathrooms

  DAN:

  Pays bills

  Brings out trash

  Replaces trash bag after taking out trash (which is an additional chore no matter what Jill says)

  Definitely sweeps

  Washes, folds, and PUTS AWAY LAUNDRY

  Ruins Jill’s sweaters and jeans while trying to wash them

  Mows lawn

  Organizes Jill’s sink-top cream/lotion/soaps/makeup paraphernalia when she’s not looking

  Constantly turns off lights (yes, this is a chore)

  Cleans out refrigerator

  Shovels snow

  Rakes leaves into meaningless piles that eventually blow into the neighbor’s yard

  Processes mail (also a significant chore no matter what Jill says)

  Brings trash and recycling to curb on Mondays

  Chores I know Peter did because Jill told me

  Cooked

  Paid bills

  Walked and fed Clarence

  “Just fixed things when they broke. He was good with that stuff.”

  Chores I know Peter did because of what Jill didn’t tell me but told me anyway

  Took away all of Jill’s worries about money, mortgage payments, insurance, retirement planning, broken dishwashers, service contracts, gutter cleaning, flat tires, refinancing, and clogged drains so she could focus on herself and her career

 
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