Refuge From The Dead | Book 4 | Dead Winter, page 21
part #4 of Refuge From The Dead Series
It also meant something else: a lot of people at the prison were dead.
This world was full of heartbreak. It was almost enough to stop trying.
They traveled along the trail for an hour. The snow was still deep in some places, though the sun and the warmer temperatures were starting to do their job. When they got closer to the highway, Angie noticed that they were having to slog through slush and mud more often.
“I’ve got to stop,” Jess said eventually.
The gray asphalt of the main road was slowly revealing itself under the sun’s glare. Jess found one of these newly uncovered spots and sat down heavily. She cupped her heavy abdomen and Angie was worried that she was being pushed too much for her fragile state. Jess wasn’t used to this anymore.
They were going to have to find a vehicle soon, there was no other way.
“Here sweetie, drink this,” Jean said, handing her a bottle of something cloudy.”
“What’s that?” Angie asked.
“Electrolyte packet. I snatched some from the doc,” she said, raising her chin and daring Angie to say something.
“Jean! You stole from Doc?” she asked incredulously.
“You’re damned right I did! Good thing too, otherwise we wouldn’t have had half the stuff I’ve got in my bag,” she said.
“Language!” Jess said from her spot on the ground.
“You’re right. A lady shouldn’t be vulgar, even in these times,” Jean said, conveniently ignoring her own.
Angie hated to, but she was going to have to get them moving again. She picked up the two bags and grunted at the pain in her shoulders and leg. When they made it somewhere safe, she was afraid she was going to have to look at it.
She was scared of what she might find.
Jean was showing the strain as well. She looked slighter and older than she had just one week ago, and Angie thought maybe Cam’s…Cam being gone, was weighing on her too. She had lost a close friend. They all had.
Jess slowed considerably the further along they got. After another couple of miles passed, they came across an old wreck.
Angie recognized it instantly as the SUV that Cam had destroyed in their war with the prison. The bodies were still inside and as she passed, she noticed that they were mostly skeletonized. Some decaying tissue remained in places, but she didn’t want to study it that closely. Jess and Jean just stared in shock.
“What happened?” Jean asked.
“These were the people who would go out and find people and kidnap them. As you can see, Cam took them out,” Angie explained.
Jess just kept walking with wide eyes but said nothing. Jean nodded. “Good. They deserved it.”
Jean was pretty bloodthirsty for an old woman.
She walked in silence for a few minutes, considering something.
“Jean?” she asked. Jean walked a little faster and caught up to her.
“Hmm?”
“How did you get over Virgil’s death?” Angie asked her quietly.
“I didn’t,” Jean said simply. “I never will. It will always be a part of me. I live with it. Sometimes I still find myself waking up at night and reaching out for him. What gets me through is knowing that our separation isn’t permanent. I’ll see him again, and when I do, it will feel as though hardly any time had passed at all.”
“But what do you do with the sadness, the grief, the memories?” she wanted to know.
“I let them come, and then they pass on their own. One day, you won’t feel so bad. Then, one day you’ll realize that so much time has passed without you noticing, that you’re close to seeing him again. Death is not the end, Angie. It’s only temporary. I know in my heart that my Virgil is waiting for me somewhere, I’ll meet him one day very soon and we’ll continue our lives…hopefully with better-looking bodies,” she said, glancing down at herself.
Angie only nodded and frowned. Did she believe in Heaven or an afterlife? She was raised in a Christian home, but they weren’t overly pushy about it. It was more of a believe-your-own-thing sort of family.
After considering it, she supposed she did believe there was an afterlife. She had always kind of thought that Heaven was the ultimate destination—in an abstract way. She believed though she didn’t agree with the version of Christianity most churches seemed to push.
“Another thing…I wholeheartedly believe that Cam is there too, waiting patiently with my Virgil. They all are. All the ones who have gone on since this happened. This is a small blip on their radar. Perhaps they’re the lucky ones,” Jean said.
Without a doubt.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Misunderstanding
Nick
Nick was sitting on the porch drinking a cup of coffee.
The midday sun was bright, and the snow and ice were finally melting. Things were starting to look up. Angie, Jess, and Cam would be coming home soon with Jim and the others. Lily and Natasha were putting the finishing touches on the Christmas decorations later this afternoon.
Lily looked irresistible in her dark green sweater and black leggings. He wanted her to be his Christmas present.
He imagined unwrapping her slowly in his room, then playing with her all night.
He sat forward in his chair and took a sip of his coffee. He felt a twinge of guilt thinking such things about her. Sure, they were together, but it was hard for him to flip a switch suddenly and go from seeing her as a college kid who needed protecting, from himself as much as the world, to being her boyfriend…her lover.
He tried to remind himself that she was twenty-one, and not truly an innocent.
His thoughts turned to the night they had come back from their camp out at the old cabin. He had intended to see if she wanted to spend the night with him, and she had said she did. However, before they could even set foot in the door, Mac had come out and said that Sasha was inconsolable and that Lily needed to come.
He hadn’t had more than five minutes alone with her since.
Earlier this morning, when she had come downstairs with Natasha, he went up to her, wanting to grab her and kiss her but she had looked at him and avoided it, taking Natasha’s arm instead and leading her to the table.
He had missed her in the night. Random times that night and today he had found himself thinking of their kisses.
He would pause in his work, or while eating and catch a glimpse of her laughing, or cooking, or cleaning, and his mind would wander. He found himself somewhat shocked every time he thought about what she had said. It was like a dream.
Never in a million years would he have thought someone like Lily would want him, would love him.
She seemed a little more reserved now that they were back with the others…more subdued. He caught her giving him looks and he didn’t know what they meant.
Unlike Jim, he couldn’t read women’s minds, especially not hers. She was something of an enigma.
Most of the women he had been with were like him. They were older, rougher, and definitely not innocent. They went after what they wanted and a lot of them really didn’t care if they ever heard from him afterward. Lily was the complete opposite, and he had no fucking clue how to act.
He would have to shift his viewpoint, that was for damned sure. He couldn’t keep thinking of himself as her guardian now…it creeped him the fuck out.
Even now, she was giving him looks in secret, when the others weren’t watching. He started to get a feeling that maybe she didn’t want the others to know. Did she want to hide it? The thought that maybe she regretted what they had done, or that she was ashamed of wanting to be with him tore him apart.
He needed to talk to her. He had to make sure.
Cara called everyone in for lunch a short time later. They were having stew and homemade sourdough bread. Jess had taught them all a while back how to make the starter, and the girls had made a batch. The aroma of the fresh bread filled the air and he breathed it in, savoring it. With the food cooking and the scent of pine in the air, it did smell like Christmas.
They sat at the table and for the first time since he returned, he noticed how changed Natasha looked.
“Tash, you okay?” he asked with concern.
She didn’t look well. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she had lost too much weight. She wasn’t coping. She had perked up a bit when he had brought the tree home, but it seemed as if the reminder that Sasha was missing Christmas hit home recently. He didn’t know what to do or say.
Mac, sitting to her right, looked just as helpless.
She didn’t answer his question, she only nodded and took a sip of water. After a few minutes, she left the table and went upstairs. He flicked his gaze to Cara, seated near Tanaka, and he raised his eyebrows significantly. She nodded and followed her upstairs. Ed’s gaze followed her worriedly up the stairs.
They had learned their lesson the hard way back in the summer. With Peggy.
“Lily, can you meet me outside when you’re finished eating? Bring a coat and wear your boots,” he said.
She nodded and finished her food. She started clearing the table after Mac, Tanaka, and Ed finished eating. He went outside and considered the best route to take. They would probably start at the creek and work their way back.
Around a month and a half or so ago, they had started setting snares to supplement their meat. It had worked out well, and they often had fresh meat along with their canned foods. When the herd went through, they had to clean everything well and find new game trails. The animals never returned to the original ones. He didn’t blame them.
Today, however, checking his traps was secondary to the real reason for taking Lily out there. He wanted to find out what the deal was. He felt a clenching in his chest and girded himself for hearing the reason she had avoided being alone with him. In fact, he expected it.
Why the fuck would she want to be with him?
Maybe she had just followed him the other night because she felt bad for him. Maybe she was ashamed of being with him. Maybe she still felt sorry for him after what she overheard Jim saying and thought she could make him feel better, all the while gritting her teeth and only pretending she enjoyed his attention.
No. No. She wouldn’t do that.
He was losing his fucking mind and making shit up in his head. The best thing to do would be to have it out with her in the woods. Get her explanation and just deal with it. At least they would be alone, and he wouldn’t have to worry about an audience seeing his shame.
He was scared.
What if she didn’t love him?
Then he would leave like he originally planned.
◆◆◆
Lily joined him outside fifteen minutes later. She hadn’t bothered to change, only put on a coat and boots. Despite the conflict in his mind, he enjoyed the tight leggings that were currently displaying her curves nicely. He didn’t know why women wore them, they seemed mighty uncomfortable to him, but he enjoyed looking at them immensely.
“What are we doing?” she asked him. She seemed to have caught his mood and was hesitant to speak.
“Checking traps. Thought you’d want to go,” he answered gruffly.
“Oh,” she said.
Then she was silent.
He didn’t know how to bring it up. There was so much he wanted to say, to ask, to yell. He wanted to wedge her up against a tree and kiss her until dark. He wanted to shake her and ask her why she was avoiding him. He wanted to…he didn’t know. He just wanted answers.
He was hoping she would bring it up before they were finished.
Down at the creek, which was about a mile walk through the woods, they found an empty snare. He reached down and reset the trigger mechanism. He scanned the woods for danger briefly, and then led her further down, to the next trap. She said absolutely nothing.
He didn’t know how to act. He felt like a fucking teenager again. If he attempted to take her hand, or get close to her, and she didn’t want it…he would see it in her eyes, and it would break his heart.
So, he waited for her to make the first move.
They checked three more traps, finding game in two of them. One was dead and one wasn’t. He dispatched that one quickly and mercifully. He put them into a burlap bag he had brought for that reason, then moved on. They were getting closer to the cabin now, and the time for a private confrontation was getting short.
“Nick…” she began.
He stopped in front of her but didn’t turn. He couldn’t. He didn’t want her to see the pain. He stood there stiffly while she went on.
“About what happened out at the cabin…” she stopped again.
The anticipation of waiting for her regrets was killing him. He couldn’t keep silent anymore. He wanted to stop her before she said the words…before she destroyed him.
“Lily, stop. Don’t worry about it. We can forget it ever happened,” he said. Then he turned around and regretted his words immediately.
“Is that what you want?” she said, uncertain and confused.
“Isn’t that what you want?” he said harshly.
“What?! No! I thought you changed your mind after we got back. Or maybe you didn’t want anyone else to know about us. When you didn’t talk to me again after that night…I don’t know.” She stopped then and just looked at him and the perplexed naivety on her face made him shake his head.
He leaned against a tree and tried to figure out just what the hell was going on here. He studied her closely. She seemed hurt and honestly confused.
He dropped the bag and his ruck. He set his rifle carefully on top. When his hands were empty, he moved forward. She looked up at him and he saw the worry on her face.
She had thought he had changed his mind?
He would show her that he would never change his mind.
She breathed in sharply and tears sparkled in her eyes as he gripped her face in his hands. He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs.
“So soft,” he murmured.
She swallowed and he looked at her lips. He bent his head down and captured her mouth. Her sweetness and heat captivated him. Time stopped and he moved his hands to grip her hips. Her beautiful, generous hips. He squeezed her and the feeling of her soft femininity drove him crazy.
He finally came up for air and the dazed look on her face made him want to take things further. For now, they needed to find out where the miscommunication had happened.
He pulled her over and put her back against a nearby tree. He leaned his arms on either side of her head and had a flashback to the time when he had her up against the wall in this same fashion.
Back then, he had wanted her badly, though he hadn’t wanted to admit it. Now, he had her and he wanted her even more. The thought that she was his excited him, though he suppressed it. They needed to talk first.
“Sugar, listen to me carefully. We’ve had some kind of misunderstanding. I’m telling you right now that I meant every single word I said to you. I love you with all my heart. You are mine and I never want to let you go, ever. I want everyone to know that you are mine. I want them all to know. I thought that maybe you had changed your mind. I thought that maybe you only said those things to make me feel better.”
He looked around to make sure they weren’t in any danger, then turned back to her. Worry still marked her face and he ran a finger lightly down her cheek and gripped her chin.
“I thought maybe you pitied me and said those things to make me feel better, then maybe you regretted it and didn’t want everyone to know what you had done. You know what, I wouldn’t have blamed you. That’s why I didn’t say anything or approach you. I thought you were avoiding me on purpose, and it tore me up.”
She shook her head and put her hands on his chest. His heart pounded and he was very aware of her touch. Her sweet, earthy scent teased him, and he leaned closer.
“I meant everything I said too. I stayed away because I thought you were ashamed of me. I thought you didn’t want anyone to know about us. Also, I didn’t want to upset Natasha. She is depressed Nick, and I tried so hard not to show how happy I was when we got back. Nothing has changed. I want you. I always will.”
He closed his eyes and thanked God that she was still his. She wrapped her arms around him, and he pulled her close.
It was amazing how a lack of communication could screw up so much in such a short amount of time.
“Babe, I want you to talk to me. I want you to always be honest with me, and I will with you. I can’t bear the thought of anything separating us.”
“Me either,” she said. “I’m sorry about not telling you. It just seemed like there was a sudden change and I didn’t know where we stood. I know I said that I’m not a kid, and I’m not…but I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships. I only had one boyfriend, a long time ago, and that just didn’t turn out well. I spent most of my time studying and being the friend that went along with the other girls on their group dates.”
He squeezed her and didn’t know what to say.
His Lily may not be a virgin, but she was still pretty damned innocent. He needed to be careful. He was going to have to be the one to guide things, at least for now.
He grinned at her and tried to lighten the mood. “So, you and this boyfriend you were just telling me about…” he stopped and raised an eyebrow.
She blushed bright red.
“What about him?” she said, a small smile on her lips.
“Just how close were you?” he asked.
She laughed at Nick’s jealous inquiry. “We went to prom together when I was seventeen. He was eighteen. We were together for six months in high school,” she explained.
“Prom? You went to prom with him?” he asked, eyes narrowed.
He didn’t like the thought of his Lily at some prom with some young idiot that probably only wanted one thing from her.
“Yes, prom.”
“And what happened after the prom?” he asked, watching her face.
