My Sister's Child, page 25
After I’d eaten and drunk a cup of coffee, I threw the phone away and replaced the single bootee in the chest of drawers before pulling a couple of suitcases out of the wardrobe.
When I called Dad, he answered on the first ring. I guessed he’d been up all night, worrying whether I would ever speak to him again. ‘I’m fine,’ I told him. ‘We’re going to be OK, Dad.’
‘I love you, Jess.’ His relief was palpable. ‘Come round for dinner later.’
I messaged Will: I hope you got back safely X and he replied with a thumbs-up and a photo of a sleeping Sam, mummified in a sleeping bag on the cabin-bed on the boat. Clearly not a party animal! X
I smiled, something inside me beginning to loosen as I stood by the bedroom window for a moment, looking out at the flat white sky. I felt as though a layer had been stripped away and someone new was emerging. Someone stronger.
On the way to Jennifer’s I switched on the radio and listened to cheesy pop music – the kind Mum used to love. ‘I miss you,’ I whispered, a swell of emotion in my chest. ‘I hope you and Rachel are together wherever you are.’
Chapter 46
When I arrived at Jennifer’s semi-detached house, on the quiet street where she had lived for forty years, she came to the door with a look of slight surprise.
‘Jess,’ she greeted me, her face pouchy from crying. ‘It doesn’t have to be like this.’
I’d spoken to Adam the night before, after I chatted to Noah.
‘I told Mum I’ve been having an affair,’ he’d said, sounding broken. ‘I had to say something because she kept going on at me to tell her what was wrong.’ He sniffed. ‘She’s gutted.’
But not as gutted as she would be if he’d told her the truth.
‘I’m afraid it does have to be like this,’ I said to Jennifer. ‘I can’t forgive him.’
She clasped a hand to her mouth, eyes filling with tears.
‘It won’t affect anything between us.’ I put down the suitcases I’d lifted out of the boot and hugged her. ‘You know how much I care about you.’
She clung to me, stifling a sob. ‘Noah …’
‘Noah will be fine.’ I stepped back. ‘He still has his grandma.’ His real grandma. ‘Nothing will change, I promise.’
She pulled a tissue from her sleeve and wiped her eyes. ‘Maybe after their holiday, you’ll see things differently.’
‘Holiday?’ I glanced into the hallway behind her. ‘I’m here to pick up Noah.’
Jennifer’s brow crumpled. ‘Adam said he spoke to you last night and you agreed he could take Noah away for a few days.’ She sniffed, dabbing her nose. ‘It was so kind of you, Jess. It will do them good to spend some time together.’
‘I would never have agreed to that.’ My heart turned over. ‘Especially not now.’
‘What?’ Her eyes widened. ‘You didn’t—?’
‘Of course I didn’t agree to them going on holiday.’ Fear clutched my throat. ‘Noah has school tomorrow, for one thing.’ I pushed past her, into the house, nerves alive with panic. ‘Adam!’
‘They’re not here.’ Behind me, Jennifer radiated alarm. ‘They left about half an hour ago. I was surprised to see you, and thought you were bringing suitcases for the trip even though they’d already …’ Her voice petered out. ‘Oh, Jess.’
‘Where have they gone?’ My heart was beating wildly, eyes raking around as if Noah might magically appear.
‘Windermere.’
I let out a shaky breath. Not far.
‘Noah wanted to go on a rowing boat, then they’re heading to the airport.’
The ground seemed to fall away. ‘Airport?’
‘Spain, Adam said.’ Jennifer’s hands were pressed to her cheeks. Seeing her so anxious made everything worse. ‘He had their passports, and some clothes in a rucksack.’
I thought of Adam in our bedroom the day before, rummaging through the drawers. He must have been planning this even then – to take Noah away. ‘Call him,’ I instructed, but Jennifer already had her phone in her hand.
‘He’s not answering.’
Terror clutched my insides. ‘I have to find them.’
‘Jess, I’m so sorry.’ Jennifer was crying again, frightened little sobs. ‘If I’d known you hadn’t agreed to it …’ She broke off. ‘You know he wouldn’t harm a hair on Noah’s head.’
‘No, but he might not bring him back.’
‘Oh my God.’ She covered her eyes. ‘He’s not himself, Jess. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.’
‘Keep trying his phone.’
I hurtled out of the house to the car and made the twenty-minute drive to Windermere in record time, my mind empty of everything but the need to bring my son home.
The car park was half-empty, the overcast morning off-putting to visitors.
Not bothering to pay for parking, I ran to the ticket office I’d been to so many times in the past, barking out my request for rowing-boat hire to the woman behind the glass.
‘You OK?’ She looked startled.
I forced a smile as I dug my debit card out of my bag. ‘I’m running late. I promised my husband and son I would join them.’
‘Ah.’ A smile replaced her frown. ‘Rain forecast for later. You’ve come at the right time.’
I paused on the other side of the ticket office, breath heaving in and out of my lungs as I scanned the red-and-white-painted boats scattered like toys across the lake. It wasn’t hard to spot the one I was looking for. About a quarter of a mile out, it was the only boat not moving, two dark-haired figures in orange life-jackets motionless in the middle. Adam was bent forward talking to Noah, who was peering over the side.
My stomach lurched. My boy was a strong swimmer, Adam too, but what if he … no. I snatched my mind away from the horror stories I’d read, about the frightening lengths some parents went to if denied access to their children. He wouldn’t harm a hair on Noah’s head. I had to believe that Jennifer was right.
I sprinted to the jetty farther down, where the traditional wooden boats were lined up. Fumbling on my life jacket, I interrupted the attendant’s instructions.
‘I’ve done it before.’
‘Forty-five minutes,’ he said, glancing at his watch.
Grasping the oars, I managed to turn the boat around, muscle memory coming back from those long-ago family holidays when Dad insisted we all take a turn. I steered the boat in a straight line to Adam and Noah, blowing my fringe from my eyes, trying not to think of Rachel’s waterlogged body in the canal.
I’m going to get him, I’m going to get him, I chanted to her in my head. My upper arms burnt with exertion, my face growing hot with the effort. I imagined Mum with me, urging me on, hearing her voice in my mind. Go, Jess! You can do it! and a feeling of calm descended as I turned with a heave of the oar, the front of the boat nudging the stern of Adam’s.
His head jerked round, hands shooting out to grip the sides. ‘Jess!’ His utter astonishment lit a flame of anger. Had he really thought I wouldn’t care where he was, that I would let him leave the country with Noah? ‘What—?’
‘Mummy!’ Raising his head from the opposite side, Noah stood up, the boat rocking as he swapped sides. ‘I asked Daddy if you would come, but he said no.’
‘Well, I’m here.’ My voice had a tremor flecked through it. Reaching over, I grabbed the side of their boat as I began to drift. ‘Get in,’ I said, stretching my other hand out to Noah. ‘We have to go now.’
‘But, Mum, we were looking for fishes.’ Noah plopped onto the seat and folded his arms with a mutinous frown. ‘Daddy said we might see some trout.’
I risked a look at Adam, glimpsing the rucksack between his feet.
‘Mum told you where we were,’ he said tightly.
‘Did you think she wouldn’t? You knew I was coming to pick him up.’
His eyes were fixed on the bottom of the boat.
‘Don’t do this, Adam.’
‘I was going to bring him home.’ I’d been expecting a fight, but his voice was soft and when he lifted his eyes they were filled with shame. ‘Noah didn’t want to go on an aeroplane without you, and …’ He lowered his voice further as Noah lost interest and dipped his head over the side of the boat once more. ‘I don’t want to be a weekend dad, to not be there every night.’
‘You should have thought about that sooner.’ My voice was choked. ‘You think behaving like this is going to win my trust?’ I was trembling all over, my words pushed through gritted teeth.
‘Don’t deny me custody, Jess.’
‘I never said I would.’ I looked at the rucksack. ‘Give me his passport.’
Adam hesitated, then unzipped one of the pockets and took it out, not looking at me as he handed it over.
I grabbed it, checking it was Noah’s before pushing it into my pocket. We’d intended to go abroad as a family for the first time the following spring. That would never happen now. ‘Come on, Noah.’
This time he let me hoist him into the boat, which rocked precariously as he dropped into my lap. Drawing him close, I kissed his cold cheek and briefly closed my eyes, sending up a prayer of thanks. ‘I thought we could invite Jasmine round to play tomorrow.’
‘Yay!’ Brightness flooded his face once more. ‘Is Daddy coming?’
‘No,’ I said with forced lightness. ‘Daddy’s going to live with Nanna for a while, and then he’s going to buy his own house and you’ll be able to stay with him sometimes.’
I hoped Adam would get the message. I wasn’t going to deny him access, however much I wanted to at that moment. When I met his guilty gaze, he gave a single nod.
Noah thought for a moment, the aeroplane trip apparently forgotten. I held him, our hearts beating in tandem. ‘Cool,’ he said finally, in the casual, accepting way of children – in a way I knew would break Adam’s heart – though I was sure when it sank in that his dad wasn’t there every night to read him a story, or cook his dinner, there would tears and questions.
Turning from the stricken face of my husband, I settled Noah opposite me. My throat tightened when he gave Adam a little wave and blew him a kiss.
‘Come on, Ninja.’ I reached for the oars. ‘Time to go home.’
Chapter 47
Two months later
‘Don’t forget to make a wish,’ I said, ready with my phone as Noah sucked in a deep breath, ready to blow out the candles on his cake. I snapped some photos as he blew, extinguishing the tiny flames.
‘I wish dinosaurs would come back to life.’
‘I don’t think there’s much chance of that one coming true,’ Meredith murmured next to me, eyes dancing with humour.
I smiled. ‘Especially as he said it out loud.’
Noah’s friends gathered around him, their chatter filling the room. Jasmine peeled away to look at me with pleading eyes.
‘Can I have a big slice, please?’
‘Jazzy!’ Meredith chided, giving an eyeroll. ‘Anyone would think I didn’t feed her. Though it does look delicious.’
‘His grandma made it.’ I took a photo of Noah scooping up a fingerful of chocolate icing.
‘She couldn’t come to the party?’
‘Noah’s going to hers tomorrow.’
Meredith pulled a sympathetic face. ‘I suppose that’s one benefit of being separated. The kids get to celebrate twice.’
Separated. Soon to be divorced. I’d become a statistic – part of a broken family. We were doing OK so far though, getting through it. Noah seemed relatively unscathed, thanks to Adam and me making superhuman efforts to keep things civil, though I know he missed their bedtime stories.
Adam was still at his mother’s, as most of his savings had gone to Rachel and I hadn’t decided whether to sell the house.
Jennifer had apologized over and over for Adam’s behaviour, but finally gave up pleading with me to forgive him. Adam told her that we were better off apart, but I knew she didn’t fully understand what had happened. How could she?
Dad broke into my thoughts. ‘You went through a dinosaur phase at his age,’ he said, once I’d sliced the cake and he’d helped me pass the paper plates around. ‘You never went through the ballerina stage like a lot of girls.’
It was his way of trying to re-establish the bond between us. It was going to take time, but he was being patient. It helped that he was seeing more of Ruth, even referring to her as his girlfriend. She was here today, proving to be a natural with the children, organizing a game of pass-the-parcel, which had the children squealing with excitement.
Will and Sam were here too, currently chatting in the kitchen with Jo and her new partner, Daniel. Jo and I had been messaging more, and I was glad she’d accepted my invitation to visit before driving to Manchester to meet Daniel’s parents.
Sam still had his dreadlocks, which Noah had found fascinating, but he’d scrubbed up well and – since working with Will on the boat – was back in touch with his parents.
‘Sorry you never found out what happened to your sister,’ he’d said, catching me in the hallway as I was bringing the cake through. ‘S’pose it must have been an accident.’
A familiar knot tightened in my stomach; something unfinished. ‘Don’t worry about it, Sam.’ I mustered a smile.
‘Wouldn’t have met him though, otherwise,’ he said with a nod of his head, meaning Will.
My smile had been genuine. ‘Neither would I.’
The party was winding down now, parents arriving to pick up their overexcited children. After I’d seen them off with party bags – Jasmine having to be practically dragged away by Meredith – and Jo and Daniel had left with promises to visit again, Will came through with a bottle of beer.
‘That went well,’ he said, looking completely at home. ‘Took me back a few years. I used to love pass-the-parcel.’
Warmth flooded through me at the sight of him; this was his first visit since that awful day when Adam had tried to throttle him, though we’d spoken regularly on the phone. His presence was calming, but also set off a flutter in the pit of my stomach.
‘Dad enjoyed himself.’ I looked to where he was kneeling down, curved over the keyboard he’d bought Noah, elbows moving as he tinkled out a tune, while Noah clapped his hands. ‘My grandpa’s clever,’ he said to Ruth, who nodded her agreement.
‘He’s so cute.’ Will’s elbow brushed mine as he reached for a paper plate and loaded it with crisps. ‘I’m starving.’
‘Driving long distances will do that to you.’
‘Sam ate a couple of pasties on the way up. I don’t know where he puts all the food he eats.’ Will grinned as Sam came in from the kitchen, where he’d been chatting to Kristin, who’d stayed behind to help clear up. He was holding a can of cola and, not looking where he was going, stumbled on a piece of Lego and fell against Dad.
‘Hey,’ Dad grumbled, rubbing his shoulder as Sam reeled away, one hand raised in an apology. ‘Watch where you’re going.’
Sam froze, statue-like, his mouth falling open.
Noah giggled, the sound dying as he picked up on something in Sam’s expression. ‘Mummy?’ He looked at me uncertainly.
‘What’s going on?’ Will stared at me too, his puzzlement reflecting mine.
‘It was you.’ Sam’s voice was a whisper, heard clearly in the pin-drop silence that had fallen. He wheeled around, meeting my gaze, pointing the cola can at my dad. ‘It was him,’ he repeated. ‘Under the bridge.’
For a second, everything slowed down. Blood roared in my ears, drowning out everything but the sound of Will’s voice, clear as a bell as he asked Sam, ‘Are you sure?’
When Sam nodded, Dad pushed past him into the hallway as though he was about to be sick, Ruth following close behind.
Noah’s eyes were on me, wide with bewilderment. ‘Mummy?’
‘Grandpa’s not feeling very well.’ My voice was light and high. ‘Too much cake, I think.’
‘I want a story from my new book.’ Reacting to something he didn’t understand, Noah rushed over to his heap of presents and plucked out Dinosaurs in the Garden.
‘I’ll read to him.’ Will’s hand rested briefly on my shoulder. ‘Go and talk to your dad.’
‘What’s happening?’ I turned to see Kristin, a tea towel in one hand, a mug in the other. ‘Everything OK?’
‘I have to talk to my dad.’
Sam had moved to the window, his face stark white against the darkness beyond, patting his pockets as if looking for cigarettes. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, eyes glittering in the lamp light. ‘I shouldn’t have blurted it out. It was the shock. It’s what he said to me that night, you know?’
‘You’re certain?’ My voice was barely audible.
Sam scrunched up his face. ‘You saw how he reacted, yeah?’
Moving past him with leaden limbs and a leaden weight in my chest, I found Dad collapsed on the bottom stair, hands clamped around his head.
‘What was that all about?’ Ruth hovered anxiously. ‘He won’t tell me.’
‘I need to talk to him alone.’
‘OK.’ She nodded slowly, backing away. ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ she said, eyes still on Dad. ‘Call me later, Jon.’
When she’d retrieved her coat and bag and slipped out of the front door, I looked at him. ‘Well?’
His gaze had a dislocated quality as if his mind was elsewhere. ‘I’m so sorry, Jess.’
My heart lurched. I staggered against the wall and slid down it, trapped in a band of heat from the radiator. ‘You were there that night.’
‘That stupid boy.’ Dad’s voice was a growl. ‘I should have kept my mouth shut.’
I forced back the tears threatening to fall. ‘Tell me.’
He dropped his eyes like a child about to be scolded. The silence tightened, then, ‘I didn’t mean to push her. You have to believe me, Jess.’
His words hit me like bullets. ‘You killed her.’ I could barely project the words. ‘Sam was right.’
‘She was so surprised when I turned up,’ he went on, as though I hadn’t spoken. ‘She was expecting him.’ His lip curled, even after all this time. ‘Lucian bloody West.’
