lily harper - complete series, page 83
“Okay,” Bill announced as he zipped up his pants. Shaking his left leg as he walked back toward me, he kept adjusting himself the entire time. “Back to the subject o’ you an’ Igor.”
“I don’t really want to discuss Tallis right now,” I said as I cocked a brow at him. “Or Igor, for that matter.”
“Well, that’s too bad for you, ’cause I do,” he replied, lifting his nose in the air. His expression beamed with determination. “You do realize you’re sufferin’ from a condition called monopenis, right?”
“I don’t suffer from any conditions, Bill,” I rebuffed, despite having no idea what he was talking about. Not that it really mattered, because I was more than convinced that Bill made up most of the stuff that came out of his mouth.
“How could you know?” he railed in response. “You don’t even know what having a case of monopenis is!”
“You’ve got a good point there.”
“I always gotta good point, nerdlet,” he announced with a quick nod. “Soze now, I’m gonna help you out by tellin’ ya what condition yer condition is in.” Then he seemed to swell with arrogance, like he was proud of himself.
“I don’t get it.”
“You never saw The Big Lebowski?” he asked and I shook my head. “Damn, girl! Sometimes, I don’t even know how we got to be friends.”
“And your diagnosis is …” I answered, piercing him with an expression that said to hurry up and get to the point.
He took a deep breath. “Monopenis is the unfortunate condition of only wantin’ one penis.” Then he glanced over at Tallis, who still hadn’t budged, and was balanced on his hands and knees. “The Yeti’s.”
“That’s so ridiculous, Bill,” I replied as I crossed my arms over my chest to let him know I wasn’t impressed or amused by his conclusion that I had monopenis.
“Is it?” Bill asked as he inspected me closely. “Is that really so ridiculous, nips?” Then he started walking around me and acting like a lawyer interrogating a witness. “Do you realize that you haven’t stopped starin’ at him this entire time?”
“Yeah, because I’m trying to figure out what the hell he’s doing!” I snapped while tossing my hands up in the air in visible frustration. “And, more importantly, I’m anxious to know how the hell we’re going to get to the City of Dis so we can get on with our mission!”
“Yeah, yeah! Keep denyin’ an’ lyin’,” Bill continued as he annoyed me for the third time. “Not that it matters! The truth is out there, whether you choose to ignore it, or not!”
“Thanks for the riveting lesson, Bill,” I said with a quick smile, “but I think I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five.”
“I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five,” Bill mimicked me in a high-pitched, utterly bizarre voice. “You know, havin’ monopenis ain’t really such a big deal,” he continued as I sighed and shook my head, figuring I’d better get used to these absurd conversations because Bill wasn’t exactly good at backing down. “It’s a lot better than what I got.”
“Oh, and what condition would that be?” I answered, even though it took all my patience to do so.
“Attention dating deficit disorder,” Bill responded with a sigh. “I’m on so many datin’ websites, I can’t focus on just one person, an’ I’m impulsive. If I ain’t constantly swipin’, I feel like I’m missin’ out on somethin’ better than the one I just swiped.”
“I don’t know why I bother to ask,” I replied as I shook my head.
“It’s gettin’ bad, nips,” he said with a heartfelt sigh. “I’m thinkin’ this ADDD might be interferin’ with my ability to ever sustain any kinda relationship.” He started to shake his head in what I perceived to be despondency. “It’s why I eat so much. I’ve turned to food to comfort me from my attention dating deficit disorder.” He sighed again, and this one was a bit more drawn out than the last. “Yep, I’m fat, single, and ready for a Pringle.”
“Are you seriously telling me this, Bill?” I asked while scrutinizing him with disbelief. “Because that’s the most outrageously stupid thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Judge not, lest ye be judged,” he quoted pedantically while frowning and crossing his arms over his chest.
I didn’t respond but turned my attention back to Tallis, who was still in the same position as before. Eventually, he lifted his hands off the ground and began to stand up very slowly. His hands fell to his sides, and moments later, they curled up into fists. He lifted them into the air alongside his face.
“I think I got an eyebrow pube,” Bill announced out of the blue. I glanced at him quickly, only to find him tugging at his left eyebrow. “Can you check?”
“No,” I barked abruptly.
My attention was instantly snatched away by Tallis when I heard him yelling something, which I couldn’t understand. He stretched his arms out on either side and kept his face trained toward the sky. All of a sudden, a burst of electricity coursed through him, and his body shook and rocked with the effort. A bright, white light flowed from his head to his toes, seeming to emanate from him. His body continued to shake for another few seconds and the light appeared to grow brighter. Moments later, it began to dim, until there was nothing left but the night’s darkness. I watched Tallis drop down to his knees again, his chest expanding and contracting as he panted audibly.
I started toward him, but he immediately turned to face me and held up his hand, signaling that I should stay where I was. I stopped walking and Bill caught up with me.
“Dude, what the hell was that?” Bill asked, sounding amazed, if not thoroughly impressed. “I think the Yeti just had a close encounter of the third kind. A spiritual one.”
“I don’t know,” I answered, my heart pounding with worry as I wondered if Tallis was okay. It looked like he’d just been hit by lightning.
Tallis started pushing himself back up onto his feet. He wavered a few times before he stood up straight and reached down to retrieve his sword. After a few seconds, he turned around to face us and waved us toward him. I wasted no time in running the distance that separated us. I grabbed his powerful arms and forced him to look at me.
“What happened?” I demanded. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“Nae, lass, quit yer fussin’,” Tallis said as he tried to step away from me. He was obviously uncomfortable at my unbridled concern, but I couldn’t really say I cared. Watching him getting electrocuted, for lack of a better word, worried me to the max, and then some.
“What was that?” I insisted. “It looked like you were struck by lightning, or electrocuted, or something.” I took a breath. “What was up with that bright light?”
“Druid magic, Besom,” Tallis replied with a smile.
“Are you hurt?” I persisted. “Maybe you need to sit down for a few minutes and catch your breath? Do you feel dizzy at all, or sick?”
“Nae,” he said, shaking his head as he stared down at me. Moments later, he put his hands on my shoulders. “Ah’m fine, lass, stop yer carryin’ oan.” Then he turned around and started forward again.
“Fine,” I grumbled, standing up straight and trying not to feel offended. This was just how Tallis was. No use in getting perturbed over it.
“So, um, just where the hell are we goin’?” Bill called out from behind us. “I dunno about you guys, but I can’t see a goddamned city nowhere, nohow!”
“Coome,” Tallis responded while nodding curtly toward Bill. He looked over his shoulder at me, and offered his hand.
I didn’t say anything as I took it, trusting him to lead me wherever we were going. As far as I could tell, though, Bill was right. It didn’t look like Tallis’s Druid magic had done anything. Other than charging Tallis up with some electrons for a few seconds, as far as the City of Dis was involved, it remained just as invisible as it was a few minutes ago. But just as I’d admitted to Bill earlier, I still trusted Tallis and figured that was exactly what I should continue doing.
“Ye will feel coldness fer ah few seconds, lass, but it shall pass,” Tallis announced. Before I could ask him what the hell he was talking about, I walked right into what felt like a wind tunnel. The force of the wind pressure against me was so intense that I had to close my eyes tightly. As soon as my lashes tickled the tops of my cheeks, I felt encapsulated in ice.
“Breathe, lass,” Tallis said as my eyes popped open. I found myself facing a wide, tall, iron wall. I craned my neck back as far as it would go, but it seemed the wall just climbed even higher into the dark night sky.
“Wow, maybe there was somethin’ to Conan’s mumbo-jumbo shit, after all,” Bill said, sounding surprised and in awe.
“This is the City of Dis?” I asked, returning my attention to Tallis.
“Aye, beyond the wall,” he answered. Taking a deep breath, he held his sword above his head. Narrowing his eyes on mine, I noticed how piercing they seemed in their midnight blue. “Once we enter the walls, be prepared.”
I nodded and pulled my sword from its scabbard before grasping it tightly. My hands were already clammy.
“Let’s do this!” Bill yelled out.
“There I was not alone...”
—Dante’s Inferno
TWENTY
“Dude! ’Sup with these crazy high walls?” Bill asked. Tallis dropped his sword to his side and approached the imposing iron bulwark without bothering to answer Bill’s question.
He finally replied over his shoulder. “Tae keep the Jooggernaut in.”
“The whugger-not?” Bill asked, his eyes going wide as he looked at me in amazement. I just shrugged because I had no clue what Tallis was talking about. As usual.
Tallis continued to walk the perimeter of the incredibly high barricade, staying approximately five or so inches from it. When he stopped walking, he rotated his body until he was facing the wall squarely. Holding his left hand up, with his palm facing the grey iron, he took a single step forward. Before touching the wall, he glanced back at us over his shoulder.
“The Jooggernaut,” he repeated with no further explanation.
“The Juggernaut?” I echoed, disliking the very sound of the word on my tongue. “What is that?”
“Or who?” Bill interjected.
“Ye dinnae want tae find oot,” Tallis answered as his eyes darted from Bill to me, where they settled. “’Tis ah creature o’ great mass an’ soobstantial height.” He stopped and took a deep breath, frowning. Naturally, I had to wonder if he had personal experience with this Juggernaut. “’Tis ah creature that cannae think, sooch as ye an’ Ah think. ’Tis overcome with hatred, an’ as sooch, it only seeks tae destroy whitiver crosses its path. It cannae speak the language o’ mercy.”
“Sounds like you, Tido, when you’re havin’ a bad day,” Bill chirped. He faced Tallis with a self-satisfied smile and glanced at me with a quick nod. Obviously, he thought his joke was a very funny one.
Tallis laughed, but the sound was devoid of humor. “Ye should wish the Jooggernaut was meh oan mah baddest day,” he said sadly, shaking his head. Then his eyes fell on me. “Besom, if ye see this creature, ye dinnae confront him. Ye roon. Dae ye oonderstand?”
“How will I know what it is if I don’t know what it looks like?” I asked.
“Ye will know,” Tallis replied cryptically. “Ye will know.”
I nodded, swallowing hard and praying not to encounter whatever this Juggernaut thing might turn out to be. Knowing Tallis was afraid of it made me feel rather confident that I should be terrified. “Is the Juggernaut confined to a single level of the City of Dis?” I inquired, my voice sounding somewhat hopeful. “Or does it roam around, you know, freely?”
“It journeys through the City o’ Dis, venturin’ wherever it chooses. There is nae holdin’ it back, an’ nae defeatin’ it.” Tallis faced me more resolutely. “If ye remember nothin’ else, remember this, lass … should ye see it, be sure tae roon as fast as ye can! Dinnae dare look back. Ye moost fend fer yerself.”
I nodded again while Bill threw his hands up in the air, expressing what looked like desperation.
“Where the fuck are we?” he whined as he shook his head, nearly ready to cry. “An’ I thought the Underground City was bad! This place makes the Underground City look like a trip to Disneyland!”
“I don’t know about all that, but I guess we’re about to find out,” I answered glumly. I watched Tallis turn toward the wall and push his palm against it. The area right around his hand suddenly caved in as if he were accessing a secret access panel, which was exactly what it turned out to be. One of these days I really hoped that Tallis would trust me enough to divulge his secrets about how he knew as much about the Underground City as he did. But, alas, today was not that day.
Snatching his hand away, he barked an order at me to get right behind him. I did as I was told and then focused my attention on Bill, who immediately raced over, taking his place behind me. Tallis nodded at us just as the wall began to slide apart, revealing a narrow gap, which continued to widen as the wall slid away. Tallis took a few steps forward while he waited for the wall to open all the way and grant us entry.
After it slid open another five feet or so, it stopped moving, so Tallis walked forward, with us right in step behind him. As soon as we walked through the iron walls, and into the City of Dis, we found ourselves confined inside a wire chain-link fence, a holding area in the shape of a rectangle. It was probably no more than ten feet long by five feet wide. Hearing the sound of the iron wall starting to slide shut behind us, I turned around and watched it slam with a loud clank. In response, a red light started to blink from over my head, bathing the three of us in a crimson hue. The cacophonous sound of clanging metal drew my attention to the chain walls that surrounded us, thereby isolating us from the interior of the city. The chain-link gate was opening itself.
Clearly, someone had gone to great lengths to keep whatever was in the City of Dis from getting out. Now, I had a feeling that “whatever it was” must have been the Juggernaut. As soon as that creepy thought crossed my mind, an icy shiver jolted up and down my spine.
Once the gate finished opening, Bill and I followed Tallis as he stepped out of the holding area and into the City of Dis. The first thing I noticed was the wall of Watchers who were gathered just outside the isolation area. They were standing in an arc, thereby blocking the road. I estimated maybe twenty or so of them, all standing as still and straight as statues, just staring at us.
“Git oot o’ the bludy way!” Tallis yelled while raising his sword and forcing them aside. Breaking a path through the middle of the mute observers, I could feel the collective weight of their stares as they all turned as one to view us. After we passed, a few broke their formation and started to follow us.
“Stay alert, an’ be oan the ready,” Tallis said from the corner of his mouth as he continued forward along the uneven street. Glancing down, I realized we were walking on cobblestones. “An’ dinnae bother yerself with the smaller ones.”
“What? The smaller ones?” Bill repeated. “What the hell is that supposed to mean!? What smaller ones?”
The words had no sooner left his mouth when a pack of about ten little creatures, for lack of a better word, ran across the bumpy street right in front of us. Each was maybe the size of a possum and had a similar face with a narrowed snout, sharp teeth and beady, little eyes. Their fur was unsightly and matted, in a deep red color that matched their eyes. I immediately noticed their razor sharp claws and two small wings on each of their backs. I could only imagine how troublesome and vexing a pack of them could be to anyone unlucky enough to encounter them alone. Luckily for me, there were three of us. The one at the front that appeared to be leading the pack suddenly slowed down. Then, its black, leathery, bat-like wings began to beat until it was airborne. The rest of the pack followed suit, quickly disappearing into the dark sky.
“I suppose we should assume those were an example of the smaller ones,” I ventured to guess before turning my head to face Bill. He just nodded and said nothing.
Inside the iron walls of the city, the darkness seemed even more pervasive than it was in the Underground City. After a few seconds, I realized the abysmal blackness was owing to the lack of any streetlights. As soon as that revelation crossed my mind, however, I spotted an eerie glow that seemed to be coming from beyond a bend in the road. Glancing to my left, I tried to trace the source of the light, but there was nothing visible except a large concrete wall. Then I realized the wall ran alongside the right side of the road as well.
“Where to now, Bill?” I asked without bothering to turn around and look at him. “Can you pull the map up on your phone so we can find where the soul is currently located?”
“Yeppers,” Bill answered cheerfully as I heard him fumbling with his phone. He yanked it out of his pocket, retrieving the text that Jason sent to both of us regarding our mission. “Okay, nips … looks like we gots to make a left here; then we truck on down that street for a bit before we gots to veer left again.”
“Aye, tae the graveyard,” Tallis added with a curt nod. “Ah know where Ah’m goin’.”
I chose not to pursue that point. Instead, I observed that the closer we got to the bend in the road, the brighter the light became. My heart suddenly began to hammer away in my chest. I wasn’t sure why that light all at once appeared so intimidating. Maybe it was just residual anxiety after Tallis’s stern warning about the Juggernaut.
“Where’s that light coming from?” I whispered to Tallis.
“The moon,” he answered without further elaboration. I figured there wasn’t much more he could say on the subject.
Just then, my cell phone started buzzing from inside my pocket. I didn’t have to think twice about the caller's identity. Feeling convinced it was Alaire, I assumed he was probably calling in that favor I still owed him. Talk about bad timing. Since the coast seemed to be clear, I reached into my pocket and pulled the duct-taped phone out. I flipped it open and read:
It is very fortunate for you that I managed to retrieve information pertaining to your mission and your consequential location from Afterlife Enterprises, he started. You are currently traveling through the most dangerous section of the Underground City; I do hope you will proceed with extreme caution. Any valiant acts of courage would likely be rewarded with a mercilessly cruel death; thus, I must ask you to heed my words carefully! Upon arriving at your destination, I should like to know that you honored your end of our agreement by retrieving an object for me. I will follow this text with more pertinent information shortly. Please respond and advise me immediately that you have received this message and have not already met your demise.
