The Long Road Home, page 1
FIONA McCALLUM was raised on a cereal and wool farm near Cleve on South Australia’s Eyre Peninsula and remained in the area until her mid-twenties, during which time she married and separated. She then moved to Melbourne and on to Sydney a few years later.
An avid reader and writer, Fiona returned to full-time study as a mature-age student and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in professional writing and editing and a second major in history in 2000. She then began a consultancy providing writing and editing services to the corporate sector. While studying, and then working, Fiona found herself drawn to writing fiction where her keen observation of people and their everyday lives could be combined with her love of storytelling.
Now a full-time novelist, Fiona writes heart-warming stories that draw on her rich and contrasting life experiences, love of animals and fascination with human nature. Her first novel, Paycheque, was published in 2011 and became a bestseller. In the nine years since, Fiona has written another ten bestselling novels: Nowhere Else, Wattle Creek, Saving Grace, Time Will Tell, Meant To Be, Leap of Faith, Standing Strong, Finding Hannah, Making Peace and A Life of Her Own. The Long Road Home is Fiona’s twelfth novel.
Fiona currently resides in suburban Adelaide.
For more information about Fiona and her books, visit her website at fionamccallum.com. She can also be found on Facebook at facebook.com/fionamccallum.author.
Also by Fiona McCallum
Paycheque
Nowhere Else
Leap of Faith
The Wattle Creek series
Wattle Creek
Standing Strong
The Button Jar series
Saving Grace
Time Will Tell
Meant To Be
The Finding Hannah series
Finding Hannah
Making Peace
The Ballarat series
A Life of Her Own
The Long Road Home
Fiona McCallum
www.harlequinbooks.com.au
For all who take a little longer to find themselves
and their niche: It’s never too late.
Contents
Also by Fiona McCallum
Part One
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Part Two
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
PART ONE
Chapter One
It was a quarter to six when Alice’s bosses closed and locked the door of the office of the law firm Baker and Associates behind her. They each gave her a hug.
‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like us to give you and Bill a ride or call a cab?’ Peter Baker asked.
‘Thank you, but we’ll be perfectly fine, won’t we, Billy boy?’ she said, looking down to the Jack Russell sitting to attention at the end of his lead.
‘Okay, if you’re sure. Stay safe,’ Peter said, surprising Alice with another hug. ‘Congratulations again on getting into your course.’
‘Yes, we’re very proud of you. Walk carefully, now,’ Lyn said, also hugging Alice again.
‘See you tomorrow at ten at the end of the market, almost-birthday-girl,’ Ashley Baker said. And Alice received another hug. She didn’t think she’d enjoyed so many platonic hugs in her entire life as she had since moving to Ballarat. It was lovely.
‘Yes, you will. Come on, Bill,’ she said, and set off down the street with a wave of her hand. As she walked, she marvelled at having forgotten about her birthday amid the excitement.
The early evening sun and fine weather caused the Ballarat central business district streets to glow yellow around the long shadows of the old buildings. Even if it hadn’t been a perfect spring evening, Alice would have still been smiling – she hadn’t stopped since learning of her acceptance into the Juris Doctor postgraduate law course she’d applied for. Her smile and the warmth in her heart had been increased when her new employers, and now firm friends, had insisted on diverting the phones to message bank a few minutes early and celebrating with champagne. It was further confirmation she’d done the right thing moving to Ballarat from Melbourne when practically everything had gone wrong all at once, just a few months earlier. Now, outside in the fresh air, her legs, actually her whole being really, felt spongy, even heavy, but oddly light and buoyant all at once. She was happy. Though, a little tipsier than she’d realised.
As she walked, with Bill trotting alongside her, Alice tried not to think of the last job where she’d had after-work drinks. But there it was. At least she no longer shuddered at the thought of the awful weeks when she’d been bullied and manipulated almost to madness by the great Carmel Gold of Gold, Taylor and Murphy Real Estate.
A tiny part of Alice was angry that she’d only lasted four weeks and that Carmel had triumphed over her, but an even bigger part knew she had the nasty woman to thank for where she was now and where she was heading. I’m going to be a lawyer, and a damned good one! I’m going to be one with heart and compassion – there for those who, like me, got bullied out of occupations because management wouldn’t do the right thing and put dollars and profit and earning power ahead of common decency. She hoped one day Carmel would get her comeuppance, though it was doubtful Alice would ever know about it. That was the frustrating thing with karma – it never quite seemed to happen right when you needed it to. Oh well. Alice wasn’t a vindictive person.
Of course, that was one of the problems and how she’d come to be a survivor of Carmel at all – and the latest in a long line of executive personal assistants who had left abruptly. Well probably now maybe not even the latest – about two months had passed. For all Alice knew, more had bitten the dust. God, how much must they actually be losing in advertising, interviewing and retraining of staff …?
The great Carmel Gold, indeed, she thought, and actually snorted aloud. And giggled, noticing the sideways look Bill gave her.
‘Sorry, Billy boy, too much champagne,’ she said.
Her legs were feeling heavier as she stood at the kerb waiting for the buzz and flash of green to tell her she could cross the street. She eased her scarf up and over her chin for more protection against the chilling air before bending down to give Bill a pat. He looked adoringly up at her. Alice’s heart surged. He was such a darling, perfectly behaved dog and she was so lucky he’d been there at the RSPCA shelter when she and David decided they would now have a dog along with their new home and sizeable mortgage.
Oh dear. She so didn’t want to think about David either. That was the champagne. A slight melancholy was laying itself over her and sapping her buoyancy and contentedness. She’d thought they’d be together forever. Well, she’d hoped.
It had taken her four years to realise how different they were and that they didn’t share the same values – the important ones. She’d thought he was everything her husband Rick hadn’t been – driven, ambitious, city through-and-through. Alice had now realised she’d run to David from Rick and before that from her mother and family to Rick. Thankfully she’d stopped running now.
This was really the first time in her adult life Alice was truly living a life for her and really felt free at a deep, soul level. On the surface she was almost broke and living alone in a tiny one-bedroom flat in Ballarat, starting all over again at nearly thirty-one. Fear gripped her every now and then until she reminded herself that was just the lifelong conditioning of her mother – aided by her younger sister – poking through her newly acquired armour. No, she didn’t need a man and there was so much more she could contribute to the world than as a wife and mother. Thank goodness she’d seen it in time. Thank goodness for Carmel Gold. Oh dear, I must be more than a little tipsy!
But it hadn’t just been Carmel’s illuminating behaviour. It had taken her dear friend from university, Brett – now her best friend Lauren’s boyfriend – to open her eyes to what Carmel was doing, what she was, and that in turn had made Alice see the truth of her own past.
She still marvelled – more so cringed – at how similar her mother was to Carmel. Alice had spent her life seeking Dawn’s love, acceptance, approval. And failed. She’d have settled for the occasional compliment and nod of approval, but even when she’d succeeded in graduating from university with stellar grades, she’d been warned not to get too above herself. Just daring to leave the tiny rural town of Hope Springs on South Australia’s Eyre Peninsula meant, they said, she thought herself ‘too good for us’ and ‘all high and mighty’. Now she knew she really had spent her life striving and failing in the eyes of her family. Her father, who had been gone for around nine years, would never intentionally have made her feel like that.
She continued to miss him every single day, but she didn’t blame him for resorting to suicide. She hadn’t ever, but now, with what she’d learnt about narcissists, she had a new appreciation of how hard it would have been for him living with Dawn, who possessed most indicators of the personality disorder: someone who was obsessed with themselves and achieving dominance while disregarding everyone else’s wellbeing. Someone who lied, cheated and manipulated in order to receive the adoration they craved. And, perhaps most difficult of all for Alice to come to grips with, was that they weren’t capable of having empathy and because of this didn’t care who they hurt or destroyed along the way.
Alice shuddered at wondering what gaslighting her dad might have undergone – the feeling that something felt ‘off’ but you weren’t really sure why. Carmel Gold had managed to have Alice questioning her sanity in a matter of days and nearly sent her completely mad in just a few weeks – imagine living with it twenty-four/seven for years, decades … she was so grateful to her father for the neutralising effect he had provided for so long. If she hadn’t had that she could quite easily have turned out to be the sort of person who didn’t cope at all well with life – an addict or someone with other serious problems – which, apparently, was a common outcome for so many left feeling they’d never be good enough, no matter what, which was the ultimate indoctrination of a narcissist parent.
Goodness only knew what Dawn was doing to Frank – her husband of around seven years. Alice loved Frank to bits and she’d quite recently found an ally in her stepfather after tending to always hold herself back with him. She’d assumed that was because she’d already been an adult when he’d joined their family or because he hadn’t had kids himself and she didn’t feel he’d understand her. She’d also wondered if perhaps she’d kept him at arm’s length as some sort of loyalty to her father. Now, with all she’d learnt this past year, she suspected she’d been subconsciously protecting him. If Dawn knew how much Alice liked and respected Frank, her mother might just turn on him too. Alice couldn’t bear it if another kind, gentle man chose to leave her the same way her father had.
Though why did Frank stay with Dawn? She thought about it. For as long as she could remember she’d watched her mother be attentive and super friendly to guests at dinner parties and customers in the shop and then cold and critical to Alice out of sight. She’d thought for years her mother simply didn’t like her. She probably didn’t, but Alice now understood all too well how the narcissists could switch their charisma on and off at will. Sadly, only their victims saw the truth and were often not believed. Alice hated being referred to as a victim, but she was. But she was also a survivor. What about Frank?
Dear Frank, Alice thought, smiling, remembering how good he’d been to her when she’d made the difficult trip ‘home’ to her dear friend’s funeral. It was probably the most time she’d ever spent alone with him – it was certainly the closest she’d ever felt to him. And she’d seen a glimmer that he too saw some of the truth of what Dawn was.
Alice shook it all aside as she pushed the button on the next pedestrian crossing and then began to cross.
But the thoughts refused to leave. She longed to tell Frank her news about being accepted into law but wasn’t prepared to have her bubble burst by one of Dawn’s cruel comments – one of her few certainties in life. Alice longed for the time to come when she could laugh off the things her mother and sister said and did. Better yet, shrug them off and not give them any more negative air. But she wasn’t there yet. Her mother’s comments and unspoken criticisms, sneers and general lack of support still hurt Alice as much as a knife to her heart would. She knew she shouldn’t seek Dawn’s approval or love, but still she did to some extent. Sometimes it wasn’t intentional – was just a passing comment here or there from the down-to-earth open-book Alice. But always she was swiftly reminded of her place – or lack of – in her mother’s heart and affections.
Alice didn’t hate her mother. Sometimes she hated what she did and how she treated her, but now with all she’d learnt about narcissism she just pitied Dawn. Apparently, the barbs and mannerisms of a narcissist were deliberate and by all accounts they weren’t capable of changing because the ego was so strong that they saw nothing wrong in their behaviour. So it was those around them who had to adjust – usually by resorting to going ‘no contact’. Alice wasn’t there yet, either, but she felt close. She was currently avoiding her mother’s calls as much as she could and keeping her responses confined to text messages. She’d been doing that for around a month. Alice wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to keep it up. It was important for her healing. Unfortunately, Dawn had a knack of luring her in thanks, damn it, to all the years of conditioning, especially that family is everything! Brett was so right about that being a load of shit.
Alice turned into the small cul-de-sac of five updated and well-maintained single-storey brown brick units. She felt a little surge of something – she still did every time she came home after being away. Excitement? More like peace? Contentment? Maybe a mixture. Freedom? But was that really an emotion? Ah, it didn’t matter. What mattered was she liked her little home.
Hello, house, she silently said as she put her key into the lock of the cream gloss painted door. As with the outside, the fully furnished inside was nothing special. It was all neutral tones, but clean and fresh. Alice longed to add some touches of her own colour to the space but was still keeping a tight rein on her spending. She probably always would – she was that sort of person. She was working full time for now, but next year she’d have to cut back her hours to fit in her study. Thank goodness she had employers keen to do everything they could to help her succeed. It would all sort itself out. It had already, she thought, as she stood at the small hall stand inside the front door.
She put her phone and keys in the wooden bowl on top and her handbag on the shelf underneath, and hung her coat and scarf on the hooks above. She’d always been tidy, but now had to be more so because the smallest thing out of place made the flat look cluttered. Bill’s bed in the corner of the loungeroom was bad enough. She loved this little ritual of settling herself back in too.
Several times she’d marvelled at how, despite the whiteness around her, it didn’t feel at all cold and sterile like the house she and David had bought in Melbourne had. She hadn’t realised just how much she hadn’t liked that place until she set foot in here for the first time. It was as if the tiny space wrapped itself around Alice in a comforting hug right when she’d needed it and had never let go. Even when she was out she often longed to be back here. For the first time in her life she was alone. Completely alone and free to make all her own decisions – not waiting for her husband Rick to come in from the paddock or the shed or David from a long day at the office or an overseas trip. If she wanted to eat a bowl of cereal for every meal for a week she could and there was no one to comment or scowl.
She knew there were times ahead when she would crave some company. And of course making all the decisions all the time might become stressful. But plenty of other people managed just fine. Alice felt a heady level of exhilaration and pride in herself that she’d finally set herself free.
Yes, I have so much to be thankful for, she thought as she took her phone over to the couch, where Bill was already in position. She smiled and gave him a pat. He loved their home too. He exuded gratitude from every pore. And every paw! Alice smiled and then concentrated on reading the well-wishing text messages that had come through in the last hour and a half. All the important people in her life were cheering her on: Lauren, Lauren’s parents – Melissa and Charles Finmore – and Brett. Jared and Pip from Gold, Taylor and Murphy – though she felt she was losing touch with them a bit now she was living so far away.
Her heart sank a little. Frank. She brought up his name in her contacts. Her finger hovered over it for a moment. No. She’d update her online profiles instead. Put it off a little longer. Because as much as she wanted to share her news with Frank, she didn’t want to with her mother. And she couldn’t ask him to keep secrets from his wife. Thankfully, years ago, after complaining about how few people followed them or showed any interest at all in what they had to say on Facebook and Twitter, Dawn and Olivia had both flounced off social media for good. Alice had resisted pointing out they might have to show more of an interest in other people, but there was no telling either of them anything. Alice had blocked them both everywhere and kept an eye out in case they were still lurking about.
