Call of the Sea, page 17
“It’s so hard not to feel alone when everyone but you seems to have that person. That person who they always turn to first, who they always hold space for in their hearts, in their lives. Who will always pick them first back, and not because they have to. I know Tristan would be that person for me. But he’s my twin—it’s not the same. We didn’t choose each other. He has to love me. It’s the crushing weight of drifting along in space, alone with no one in sight to pull you back to safety.”
She realized they had come to a stop, and when she looked up, Calder was staring back at her. She braced herself for the pity she was sure she would see in his eyes, but instead she saw something else. Something rawer, something like recognition.
He started speaking lowly, his voice soft. “I confess I grew up with lots of friends. I had many people who loved me, and who I loved. And I know they loved me for me, because I had nothing else to give them.” Kenna gulped, looking down at the ground. For a second there, she had thought maybe he understood what she was talking about.
But of course he didn’t. He was so confident, so sure in who he was, the kind of person who could make a friend wherever he went. Of course he wouldn’t understand the crushing weight of her loneliness.
But then he kept speaking.
“And yet, I could be in a room full of people, and feel more alone than I ever had being on my own.” Kenna’s head snapped up, meeting his vulnerable gaze. “I surrounded myself with people who I loved, people who loved me, hoping they could fill the emptiness I felt inside myself. The boy who always had a smile was not as happy as he wanted everyone else to believe. I was living in a shell, hiding that ache I carried inside myself. But slowly my shell started cracking, and the pain I was feeling began to seep through.”
He looked away from her, gaze wandering across the horizon. “And what I came to realize was that no one else could fill that loneliness inside me. It was something I had to fill myself. I learned some people are sad for no reason at all. They feel empty when they have nothing to feel empty about. And that’s fine. That doesn’t make them any less than. It just means their brains were built differently. And they learn how to fill in those empty pieces of themselves. They fill it with joy. With acceptance that it’s alright to be a little broken. That broken doesn’t mean less than.”
He looked back into her eyes then, his expression fierce. As if he wanted to inject everything he was saying, everything he was feeling straight into her soul. “My parents saw through that perfect facade I was carrying, and they carried the weight that was on my soul for me until I could carry it myself. They proved to me no matter how lonely I felt on the inside, I was never really alone. They were always with me, every step of the way.”
At this point the tears were streaming down Kenna’s face in earnest. Calder reached up a hand, softly brushing them away, one cheek at a time.
“The way you talk about your brother. You may not have even realized, but it seems like he’s been doing the same thing for you this entire time. You’re wrong about him. Not all siblings choose each other.” Something sad flickered in his eyes at his words. “It sounds to me like you and Tristan chose each other, whether you’re related or not. Don’t downplay your bond with him, because it truly is something special.”
Kenna struggled to breathe through the tightness in her throat at his confession. “I’ve never heard someone put it into words before.”
“Put what into words, ghaoil?”
“The feelings my soul has been speaking to me my whole life.”
“You are not alone, Kenna. You may be a princess, high and mighty above the rest.” He smiled softly in satisfaction as his joke pulled a watery laugh from her. “But I promise you, there are more people who feel the same way as you than you will ever know. We’re all just too afraid to speak the truth aloud, in fear no one else will understand. That it will prove we are exactly as alone as we have always felt.”
Kenna searched his eyes—looking for what, she wasn’t sure. The slightest hint he wasn’t being honest? That he was saying what he thought she wanted to hear? But all she saw was bone-deep sincerity. Someone whose soul spoke to hers like they had their own special language. Like there was an invisible string tying her heart to his, stretched across the oceans between them their whole life, taut and pulling, finally able to relax and let go for the first time, now they had found each other.
As she felt herself falling further into the endless depth of his deep blue eyes, she realized their bodies were a lot closer than they had been at the start of this conversation. Her eyes flickered down to his lips against her will, flicking back up only to catch him staring at her lips.
Calder’s body swayed closer to her, mirroring her own that seemed to gravitate towards him like a magnet.
Her heart pounded in her chest, warning her this was a bad idea, begging her to close the dwindling distance between their parted lips even faster, when a flash of light lit up the sky above him, drawing her eyes upward. Only a moment later, a boom of thunder made her flinch, and brought her soaring heart crashing back to the ground.
Kenna turned away from Calder, wrapping her arms around her body, attempting to rub away the goosebumps covering her arms as she took in the storm that had snuck up on them. How had she missed it coming? The sky a medley of greys and purples, the rain falling not long after. Her eyes wandered to Calder to find him already staring at her, something like regret in his eyes.
“We should head to the coverage of the trees,” he said softly, so softly she almost didn’t hear him over the sounds of the storm now raging above them. Kenna nodded, following after him as he jogged into the shelter of the forest.
They huddled under the branches for a short while, the storm passing over them quickly, wiping away whatever moment had been between them, and leaving the sun shining again in its wake, the slate wiped clean.
They didn’t say anything more about that conversation as they continued down the beach, making a loop around the island, finding it as small as she had assumed that first day. Along the way they collected as much sturdy driftwood as they could find, as well as a sizable piece of one of the sails from her boat and a small amount of rope.
As they walked they talked more, keeping it to safer, lighter subjects, both of them avoiding the tension pulling taut between them.
It seemed Calder was just as curious about humans as she was about mermaids, asking her question after question about her childhood, about life on the land.
“You truly taught yourself to sail?” Calder asked, his voice impressed.
“Well, my parents weren’t exactly going to teach me. They would have locked me in a tower if they knew I ever even went near the ocean.”
“Why would you say that?”
“My parents hate the ocean. I don’t remember a time when they didn’t, but I’m sure almost drowning didn’t help matters. I think they fear it.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Kenna eyed Calder, wondering why he seemed so curious about what her parents thought of the ocean. She chose her response carefully, cataloging his reaction. “I’m not sure. The ocean is dangerous. That’s what my mother always told me. We don’t test her waters.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Whatever that means.” Calder didn’t respond, humming his acknowledgement, a faraway look in his eyes. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“What was it like growing up in the ocean? Do you have any siblings? What are your parents like?”
“It was fine. Growing up as wild as the waves I lived in,” he grinned at her, “I was definitely a handful. An only child, thank the gods, for my parents’ sake—I don’t think they could have handled any more of me. I was always getting into trouble. But they put up with it. Put up with me. They are the most wonderful people in the world. My mother…” He trailed off, a look of pure love crossing his face. “She is the kindest, most giving woman I have ever met. I’m lucky to be her son.”
Kenna’s heart melted at his words, his obvious bond with his family shining through his eyes. She wished her relationship with her parents could be that uncomplicated. That there wasn’t the pressure of their expectations for her clouding the true, deep love she felt for them.
She knew it wasn’t fair. She knew it came from a place of love, from a place of wanting her to succeed, to do great things. But knowing that didn’t stop the way it sometimes felt like a weight on her heart, holding her back, constricting her from being the person she wanted to be.From being exactly who she was without worrying how they perceived her.
As they kept talking, she couldn’t help but notice how… weird it was.
Kenna didn’t casually talk with people other than Tristan. Not since she was a child, not since before Reid. What was weird about it was how good it felt to talk to someone. And it was surprisingly easy talking to Calder. He was just so real. Sure, he was snarky and maybe a little too arrogant at times, but he never pretended to be something he wasn’t.
Even when he was pretending to be someone he wasn’t, he still acted like himself. Still pushed her buttons, tested her limits. Still talked to her like she was a person, not a princess.
But no matter how easy he was to talk to, and how real he seemed to be with her, there was something more going on.
He was a merman, for gods’ sake. He could leave any time he wanted. And she still had no clue why he had come to the castle in the first place. He continued to avoid almost all of her questions.
She was trying to be subtle about her questioning, building up to the heavier topics, like what had actually happened to the real Cameron Mackenzie?
She was fairly certain Calder knew exactly what she was doing—it wasn’t really her strong suit. But he avoided any question about what the mer kingdom was like. And definitely gave up nothing at all about its location. She had no clue how far from home he was.
The one thing she had managed to get from him was the merpeople’s connection to the ocean. Merpeople were a part of the ocean. They truly were an extension of it just as she had read, salt water running in their veins.
The ocean was the source of their magic, and they had to be connected to it in some way to use it. If a merperson spent too long away from the ocean, their connection grew weaker and weaker until it was gone. The thought broke her heart, and she wasn’t even a mermaid.
But she’d always felt that pull.
That call to the sea in the deepest recesses of her heart.
No breath felt as good as the breath of salty air. No touch felt as good as the spray of the sea. She couldn’t ever imagine giving up her connection to the ocean.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Wiping the sweat from her brow, Kenna looked up from where she was weaving fronds of palm trees together and squinted at the sky, gauging the time. The sun was only starting to fall from the midway mark. She rolled her shoulders back, groaning at the pleasure-pain as it stretched her muscles but also pulled the edges of her wound. She gingerly poked at her side and grimaced.
It was definitely much better, but it still hurt.
Kenna let out a long frustrated breath, wanting to just be healed already.
She looked up as Calder walked back into their camp, her mind going blank. He stood in front of her, holding up the frame of a wall made from long stalks of bamboo and tied together with vines.
And he was shirtless. Sweat glistened on his skin, making him practically glow in the golden sunlight. His breeches were slung low across his hips, allowing her a full view of his thick chest and torso. She watched his muscles bunch and contract as he hefted the frame up, propping it against the one already standing.
She tried to force herself to look away, but really, who was she kidding?
He had shaved his beard down to scruff last night, using the blade from one of her knives, short enough now to see the sharp line of his jaw. When her gaze finally made it up to his, he was staring directly at her, a smirk on his face, that damned dimple taunting her. She cleared her throat, looking back down to her work.
“So, I’ll take that as a no?” Calder asked, his voice dripping with amusement.
“What?”
“I asked if you were hungry, but you didn’t respond. Too busy ogling me. Maybe you’re hungry for something other than food?”
Kenna’s head snapped up, her mouth dropping open, and she found a wicked gleam in his eyes as he slowly stalked closer to her.
“I—what? No! Of course not!”
But his smile only grew wider. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes, quite sure,” she clipped, refusing to look at him.
Calder stopped in front of her, lifting one hand to brush the back of his finger against her cheek.
“You say one thing, but your cheeks say another, mo lasair.” He leaned closer until he was only a breath away. “I think you’re lying.”
Kenna couldn’t breathe. Not when he was this close and all she could smell was him. Sea salt and musk and citrus from the lemons they’d picked earlier that day. She closed her eyes and gulped, unsure what to do with herself.
“I’m not lying,” she responded in a whisper. He hooked his finger under her chin, raising her head.
“Open your eyes.”
Kenna shook her head.
“Kenna.”
She took a deep breath, which was a mistake. All she got was a lungful of him, making her head spin. She slowly opened her eyes and met his gaze, his eyes twin blue flames burning with intensity.
“Don’t think I don’t see the way you look at me. The way you looked at me yesterday walking along the beach, before the storm hit. The way you’ve looked at me since that first day in the throne room.”
Kenna’s heart was racing, and she was on the verge of leaning into him when his words registered, stopping her.
The first day she met him.
When he had been pretending to be someone else. Pretending to be Cameron Mackenzie.
Kenna stood abruptly, shoving past him. All the anger and frustration began welling back up inside of her. How did she so easily fall for his charm every time? He was still hiding things from her. She whipped back around, glaring at him.
“That’s right. Back when you were in my castle pretending to be someone else. Which you still won’t give me a valid reason for. It doesn’t matter how I looked at you because I wasn't looking at you—I was looking at Cameron Mackenzie.” The lie burned on its way out, but she couldn’t let him think she was attracted to him. That he held any power over her. “And it doesn’t matter how I look at you now because I still don’t know who I am looking at. You refuse to tell me anything. I don’t even know what happened to the real Cameron! Is he even still alive? Did you kill him?” Not how she meant to broach that subject, but she had trouble controlling her impulsive tongue when her temper flared.
Calder looked at her in shock. “Are you serious?”
“Well? Did you?”
“No! Why would you think that?”
“What am I supposed to think, Calder? You pretended to be someone who never showed up. Where was he? What happened to him?”
“We’ve spent a week together now, and you really think of me as someone capable of murder? That’s what you’ve been thinking this whole time?”
Kenna stepped towards him, shoving her finger in his chest. “I have no idea what I’m thinking. Maybe if you ever actually answered my questions, I would know you well enough to know what you’re capable of.”
Calder glared at her, his chest rising and falling rapidly against her finger. She could see the muscle in his jaw popping as he clenched it. He moved into her space, backing her up until she was pressed against a tree. One of his hands braced against the trunk above her head.
“You want to know? Fine. I’ll tell you. I intercepted a letter Cameron sent ahead to the palace, sending his condolences for his absence, and I seized the opportunity I saw. I never killed anyone. That’s not who I am, and deny it all you want, but I know you know that already. I know when you look at me, you see me. Because when I look at you, I see you too.” Calder leaned further into her until she could feel his breath on her lips, making her skin tingle.
“I also know that even though you try to fight it, try to hide your smiles from me and from yourself, you like me. What I don’t know is how you haven’t yet seen the feeling is mutual, you stupid, stubborn girl.”
Kenna sucked in a sharp breath, her head spinning.
“Makenna,” he ground her name out, and she had never heard anything sound as good as the way her name did coming from his lips.
He ducked his head down, skimming his lips up her neck as he continued, and Kenna kept her grasp on sanity by a thread. “You are killing me slowly. This is not how it was supposed to go. This was not how anything was supposed to go. You are ruining all my plans and I don’t even care, because you’re ruining me at the same time.” His eyes flashed at her as he finished speaking, darker than she had ever seen them, the pupils blown wide.
Kenna didn’t have time to process his words though, because as soon as they left his mouth, he slanted his lips across hers.
Calder was kissing her.
Calder was kissing her.
He was kissing her and her whole world stopped. Every thought but him fled from her mind. She couldn’t feel anything besides his lips against hers, the tree pressed against her back, and his hand suddenly in her hair.
And then she was kissing him back.
The world was spinning and her body was going up in flames.
She was burning from the inside out.
Burning everywhere he touched her, and she couldn’t stop the whimper that fell out of her mouth and into his. He hungrily took it, using the opening to dive his tongue into her mouth. Sparks crackled through her veins, and she unraveled in his arms. She couldn’t take the stillness anymore, her entire body vibrating.
Vibrating with energy. With need.
She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and yanked him closer. Calder’s other hand was now at her hip, molding her body even further to his, and this time it was his turn to groan as he pressed the proof of his arousal further into her hip. All the hairs on her body stood on end, goosebumps racing down her skin at the sound. Was kissing her really eliciting such a response?
