Stay Here With Me, page 6
He huffed out a breath and moved forward. I braced, not knowing what would come next, but he just cupped my face and leaned his forehead on mine. “I’m a shit.”
“You are. But I was one right back to you.”
“I don’t have the words to adequately say how sorry I am. Because they’re trite in comparison to what you went through. I am sorry though. And I’m sorry that man is dead so I can’t kick his ass.”
I snorted, surprising myself that I could even laugh in this situation. I just slipped my hands around his waist, twisting my fingers along his belt loops. “I’m not good at this, you know.”
“Same. And I’m sorry. For being such an asshole. You didn’t deserve that.”
“You didn’t either.”
“And I don’t know where to go from here because you’re here to work on your next album. And all I do is yell at you.”
“I’m also here to apparently help you with the spa,” I said dryly.
He laughed before he pulled back, shaking his head. “Apparently. I have no idea what I’m doing there.”
“I don’t either, but I have friends that do. I’ll help.” I paused. “For Bethany,” I added quickly.
He met my gaze, and I didn’t know if I was lying or if he thought I was. “For Bethany.”
Then he stared off into the distance, and shrugged, as if he were trying to figure out if he was going to say what was on his mind. But that was East, he usually did. At least to me. And it was usually with a growl.
“And while you’re here, if you want to keep sleeping together, we should. We’re good at it.”
I stared at him before I burst out laughing.
Of all things he could have said, that wasn’t what I was expecting. I just bared something so personal that only a few people in my circle knew. And he hadn’t hidden from me. Hadn’t been so gentle to me that he’d be afraid I’d break. If anything, he was the same as always. That made me like him even more, and it twisted something deep inside me that hurt, but in the best way possible.
Because he didn’t see me as broken. I was still just Lark to him.
“You want to sleep with me. While I’m here.”
“Why not? Like I said, we’re good at it.”
I stepped back, shaking my head. “You know what, you don’t tell secrets. You were so worried about me telling the world in a song about you, but I don’t want the world to know what I’m doing either. You’re not going to tell the world that you slept with Lark Thornbird.”
“Of course, I’m not.”
“So, what, friends with benefits while I’m here?”
He tilted his head. “We’re friends now?”
I didn’t know if he was just being an ass on purpose, or if I was supposed to be hurt by that; instead I sighed.
“Okay, enemies with benefits. How’s that?”
He grinned then, making him so damn handsome it was hard to breathe. Yes, his twin brother Everett was marrying my best friend, but right then they looked so different.
And East was so damn hot, so damn intriguing.
“Enemies with benefits? I like it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fuck you,” I said, knowing he liked when I said fuck.
He winked and slid his hands around me, cupping my ass. “Already did.” And then he kissed me again, and I knew that night was going to be a long one.
Chapter Six
East
I had no concept of what I was supposed to do.
“We’re working on the back deck area, it’s going to be a long day. This is just shit work, but I’m glad that you’re here.”
Our contractor squeezed my shoulder, before going to the other guys.
They had me in charge of the site, but I wasn’t qualified to run the whole thing. This hadn’t been my job in the military, and it damn well wasn’t my job now. Our contractor gave us the work, and I filled in when they needed, but also had to somehow ensure if things were correct or not.
It was a complicated business, and honestly, I didn’t really want to be part of it. I didn’t know how I’d ended up here. I was just a damn handyman. But now I was building buildings, not just fixing things.
I went to help lift a few loads of lumber, something that I was qualified to do.
I just had to focus so I wouldn’t let my mind wander.
Especially because all I wanted to do was think about a certain woman that I shouldn’t be thinking about.
I could not believe that I had even broached the subject of sleeping together. But here we were.
Both of us deciding that maybe this was exactly what we needed. Or at least wanted.
There was no way this was going to end well. In fact, it would probably blow up in our faces. Especially once the rest of the family figured out what we were doing. And they would.
My brothers knew way too much about everybody’s lives.
There was no way that they wouldn’t figure out that Lark and I were doing whatever it was that we were doing, and then I’d have to deal with the consequences. Not Lark. She’d be fine.
I sighed, pushing those thoughts from my mind.
I didn’t need to work through anything. We were just friends who would fuck again.
I snorted. “I’m an idiot.”
“What was that?” the plumber next to me said, and I shook my head.
“Nothing. Just talking to myself.”
He snorted. “That doesn’t sound like a sane thing to do, boss man.”
I flipped him off and he laughed, and we went back to work. I worked on the spa for another hour before my phone buzzed and the rest of my day beckoned. I waved goodbye to the contractor and made my way to my work cabin.
I lived in a small cabin on the east side of the property, but I had a separate one where all of my supplies and tools were.
When we renovated the place to what we needed it to be, everybody had fallen into jobs that made sense. Jobs that used their brains, and their creativity.
I hadn’t known where to fit in. I didn’t like numbers. I wasn’t qualified to be an accountant or CEO or anything like that. I didn’t like wine, I didn’t know about making wines. But my brothers did. They all fit in and learned what they didn’t know.
I wasn’t good enough with people to deal with them on a daily basis. Elliot had been born for that even, though he had gone a different route when he was active duty. So now, here I was, doing the only thing left to me. Using my hands.
I had a team if I needed it, others on staff that could help out. But I fixed things. If a cabin needed a new floor? I put it in. Something electrical needed to be tweaked? I was qualified. Same with plumbing, and even putting in new windows in cabin number four last month. That’s what I did. I worked my ass off, I stayed away from people, and I went through my long list that never seemed to dwindle.
Today I was working in the inn itself, as our innkeeper, Naomi, had a wobbly baseboard in the main center. The main inn itself was two buildings, they were connected with a second-floor alcove and walkway. One building held most of the rooms for people to stay in, as well as a few meeting rooms. The other building was the main entrance where Naomi did most of her work, as well as eateries and the kitchen where Kendall worked as our brilliant chef.
I entered through the back area, not wanting to scuff up the floors in the front entrance where guests were.
We were a decently high-end establishment, so people came in wearing linen suits and driving fancy-ass cars.
I didn’t tend to fit in, but Lark did, as did Bethany. They had even brought us up, at least that’s what my sisters-in-law said.
They brought in new clients, clients that meant more money for us so we could upgrade things and make sure we always were above the bottom line.
Naomi waved at me, her short brown hair tucked behind her ears. “Thank you so much for coming in. It’s just behind that bookshelf over there, I feel like the baseboard is buckling. But maybe I’m wrong.”
I held back a curse, because guests were milling around the front entrance, looking at the delicate library books or playing chess in the front window.
“Damn it. It better not be a leak.”
Naomi winced. “We’re just going to think happy thoughts.”
“Okay, you keep doing that.” I paused. “Is Amos off today?” I asked, though I didn’t know why I was curious. I had a feeling that my brothers were rubbing off on me.
Naomi blushed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And if you want me to not ask about a certain person I saw you walking with last night, you won’t ask me.”
I froze, meeting her gaze. “Understood.”
“Exactly. Now, that’s where the buckle is.”
“I’ve got it. Thanks.”
Of course someone had seen us. It wasn’t like we were hiding in the dark. No, we’d been right underneath a light. At least it was Naomi and not one of my family members. Yet.
I nodded at a guest who smiled at me and went back to her book. Then I went to the bookshelf and moved it forward a little. It was heavy as hell, and I grunted, looking down at the floor.
I didn’t see an obvious buckle, but Naomi had noticed something.
“Do you need help?” a deep voice said from beside me. I froze, before almost turning and punching out without thinking. I hated being startled, I hated anyone coming up from behind. I didn’t normally leave my back unguarded like that, but there hadn’t been an option in this small space. Then the owner of the voice registered and I didn’t know how to react.
“Here, let me help you move it to the side a bit more. It’s heavy with all these books.”
“I got it,” I bit out.
“I’m sure you do. But here, you don’t have to do it all by yourself.”
He helped me and I nodded in thanks, noticing that the baseboard had popped up. Probably just because the place was still settling. I didn’t see any damage. It looked like whenever we put in the shelf itself, the workers had knocked into it. I quickly pressed it back down and took note. Whenever everybody was out, I’d replace it. It was a quick fix.
I hated the fact that corners had been cut.
My back still to the other man, I cleared my throat as I moved back. I stood up and I heard the man behind me shuffle back. I turned and saw exactly who I thought it had been. Goosebumps pebbled over my flesh, it was as if I was being thrown back in time. I didn’t want to think about this. I couldn’t.
I couldn’t breathe. Fuck. I couldn’t breathe.
“You know, I thought it was you,” Lawrence said as he stared at me. He slid his hands into his pockets and rolled back onto his heels.
I stared at the other man, but I wasn’t really seeing him. I was hearing the screams, seeing the fire, feeling it on my face.
Lawrence didn’t have any scars on his face or his neck or arms. Nothing visible. But I knew they were on his back and his legs. I knew he had gouges in his chest from his time being a POW. They had taken him. Tortured him. But he found a way out. We had gotten him back.
It wasn’t we. I hadn’t been able to do anything for him.
I blinked, my breath choppy, and Lawrence cursed under his breath.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I just…”
He kept trailing off. I swallowed hard, bile coating my tongue.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I willed myself to breathe. Only I couldn’t breathe.
“I’m staying here. With my wife. Anniversary. I figured this was your place. I didn’t know how I was supposed to tell you I would be here. That I wanted to talk to you. Didn’t really even know this was you fixing this until I saw you.”
Lawrence kept speaking, and yet all I could hear was a buzzing in my ears, my palms going damp, everything getting a little hazy.
The headache attacked me, and it was hard for me to breathe. Hard for me to do anything.
“East?”
“I’ve got to go,” I growled out, then I shoved past him, being careful not to hurt him.
Because I wouldn’t hurt him again.
I left the bookshelf out in the middle of the walkway, and I didn’t care. I just needed to breathe. So I kept moving, kept going.
Leaving Lawrence behind.
Just like before. I thought he was dead and I hadn’t been able to save him. Almost everyone else had died and I thought Lawrence died right along with them. I had kept going. I hadn’t had a choice then. But I didn’t have one now, either. Because I couldn’t breathe.
I made my way behind the building, slamming the back door open and sucking in mouthfuls of air and yet I couldn’t get enough oxygen.
My chest squeezed, tightening, and I bent over as I threw up. All the water that I had earlier poured out of me, whatever was left of my breakfast following right along.
I hoped to hell there were no guests around, because this wasn’t something they needed to see. But there was nothing I could do about that now.
“What the hell? East? Are you okay?”
Elliot came towards me, his hand outstretched. I pulled away from him without thinking. I looked up to see the hurt cross over his face, but then he narrowed his gaze, and put his hand on my shoulder.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. Are you sick? Did something happen? What’s wrong?”
I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell anyone. I’d never told my brothers what happened. Oh, they knew that we had been attacked, that most of my team died—I couldn’t hide that. But they didn’t know details.
Elliot ran his hands over my back to try to soothe me, but I needed to get away. He didn’t need to see this. Elliot had been through his own hell, like the rest of our brothers had. I didn’t need to put my issues on them. I was strong enough to handle this on my own.
I didn’t need to hurt them.
“Can you go fix the bookshelf? I might have fucked it up. I’ve got to go.”
Elliot stared at me and was quiet for a moment before he nodded. “Of course I can. You only need to ask. I’ve got you.”
I knew he wasn’t talking about the fucking bookshelf. But I wasn’t going to ask. I wasn’t going to do anything. I nodded tightly and left. I ran like the fires of hell were chasing me.
I left Lawrence behind again, and now I was leaving Elliot behind. Because that’s what I was damn good at.
I made my way to the tree line, leaning against one of the tall oaks, trying to suck in gulps of air and yet feeling like I wasn’t getting any.
Nothing was there.
I didn’t realize it was going to affect me like this. It hadn’t in so long.
I knew I had PTSD. You didn’t go through what I had without it. My therapist had said I had it and gave me ways to deal with it. But there was no dealing with it when my past slapped me right in the face.
Lawrence had come back. He had survived, but it was my fault that he had been left behind. So I wasn’t going to stand there and look at him. I didn’t deserve that.
When a small hand touched my back between my shoulder blades, I whirled, fists ready. Lark froze, eyes wide, as she stood there, one hand outstretched, the other at her side. I’d almost hit her. I’d almost hit Lark for daring to touch me. For coming up from behind me just like Lawrence had.
I was usually better at this. I usually protected myself better.
And yet I’d almost hit her.
“I’m sorry. Damn it. I’m so sorry. But don’t fucking come up behind me like that. I could have hurt you.”
I was yelling the words, and I didn’t care. Why couldn’t I think? Everything hurt and I was going to throw up again.
Lark did the bravest thing I had ever seen her do. She put her hand on my chest, right over my heart. Could she feel it race? I could hear it beat so rapidly in my ears I was afraid it was going to burst into a thousand jagged shards.
“East? You didn’t hurt me. I startled you. But you didn’t punch out. You didn’t lash out.”
“I can’t, I can’t breathe.”
“Okay. Do you need me to call someone?”
I shook my head, trying to keep up with my own thoughts even though they were going in a thousand different directions.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, and then my knees went weak. I fell right there on the ground, my knee slamming into the packed dirt.
Lark let out a sharp gasp, and then she was on her knees next to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
“I need to call for help.”
“I’ll be fine,” I bit out. “I just need to catch my breath. There’s nothing they can do anyway.”
Lark looked me directly in the eyes, and I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her, to taste her. Because maybe her taste would push away the demons.
It wouldn’t. But maybe, maybe I could pretend.
She pushed my hair back from my face and nodded. “Okay. I’m here though. And you can’t push me away.”
I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to do so anyway. When she held me, I closed my eyes and let the shaking come. My teeth rattled, my shoulders quaked, but I was breathing. I was letting her hold me.
I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I couldn’t stop it though. I let her hold me, and I hated myself with each passing moment.
Lawrence had almost died, nearly everyone else had died. I wasn’t strong enough to face it. Nor was I strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Instead, I let Lark hold me. A small part of me knew I needed it.
The rest of me hated every ounce of myself for letting it come to this.
Chapter Seven
Lark
“I never asked to fall, yet with one look, I knew I didn’t have a choice. What am I without you? What am I with you? What am I in between?”
“Falling” written by Lark Thornbird
I missed the days when my job was just writing music. When all I had to do was let my imagination flow, and the words and notes would come easily. They might not always have been perfect, and needed heavy revisions, but it was a start.
