Epithet Erased, page 25
“My castle diorama?! Hoo-wee-mama, that’s no good! Took me five whole days to make that thing . . .”
Giovanni took a baseball out of his utility belt and chucked it hard at the back of Marty’s head.
“OW!”
“My calling card,” Giovanni explained. Marty rubbed his head and turned the baseball over in his hand. There were words written on it in blood-red marker. “YOU JUST GOT BONKED!” it said. Then, on the other side: “DORK!!!!!!” Mean little smiley faces laughed at him from all over the ball.
“Hey . . .” Marty pouted. “Hey! You can’t attack me! Lori! Honey bun? One of your thingies is beating up daddy! Little help?”
“SHE CANNOT HEAR YOU!” Vincent cried as though his words were accompanied by ominous organ music. “FOR EVEN NOW SHE IS ENWRAPPED IN A TEST! YES, A TRIAL MOST FOUL! THE BLOOD-RED SANDS TELL ME THAT . . . Whoa, is it that late already?” According to the hourglass, time was nearly up. That sure didn’t feel like twenty minutes.
“Huh! Time really flies, I guess! . . . Much like . . . ME!” Giovanni took to the sky, immediately slamming into the ceiling. “Ow . . . owww . . .” He scratched his head and quickly recovered, pretending he hadn’t done that. “Later, fell nerd! I must go . . . anon! And other ren faire-isms! Hark! Gadzooks!”
Then, with a flourish and a bonk, Vincent Murder sailed out of the room.
Marty rubbed his head, shrugged, and forgot the encounter altogether. Giovanni on the other hand had made an important decision that he would never forget.
It was time . . . for COOKIES!!!
11
Judgment
Time was up.
Wait, time was up?!
How was time UP?!
Lorelai stared at the hourglass like her eyes were an interrogation lamp. She pulled the cookies out of the oven. They were still squishy. She wouldn’t be able to stack them. She didn’t have enough time to finish making the decorative icing for the lid. She hadn’t even started making the candy for the inside! There was no way!
There was a sound of movement from deeper inside the hovel. Was Vincent coming up the stairs?! No! No, no, no no no! She already messed up the first round! He’d never want her if she screwed up the rest! Nobody likes a worthless screw-up! She had to make this right. She had to!
. . .
Oh, forget the “no magic” rule! She didn’t have a choice!
Lori ripped the baking sheets from the oven and put them in a stack on the table. They were still hot, but not nearly hot enough to get cooked in time! She leaned back, kicked open the window, and began chucking the trays outside like they were frisbees! They spun into the distance, up, up, up, and all the way over the horizon until they were swallowed up by the sun. It spat them back out like watermelon seeds and she caught them. Red, Orange, Yellow, Blue, Purple! She’d thrown out the green since those stupid little fruit flies had ruined it, but you could make a rainbow without green!
It was fine.
It was fine!
It was fine.
She skimmed over the flash-baked cookies. Most of them had browning on their edges. Figures. The sun doesn’t hold back, even when it’s setting. Still, overcooked was better than raw! Overcooked was edible. Plus, Vincent said he liked crunchy! B-burnt was crunchy!
Y-Yay!
There was a noise from outside again. What was going on out there? Was Vincent playing tennis in the dining room or something? Oh, who cares, so long as he stayed outside it was fine. She needed every second she could get.
Lorelai took out her wand, held it like a squirt gun, and spritzed the cookies with frosting, smushing them together in a pile. After a little bit of magical readjustment, they looked lovely. Big patches of frosting between each layer, like a sandwich cookie! The recipe called for just a little bit of white chocolate to be used as glue, but this was good enough! Vincent said she could experiment! Screw the rules, or something! Graffiti! Graffiti? He said something about graffiti. Should she paint these? S-sure, why not!
An aluminum can appeared in her hand, stylized like cooking spray. She shook it up and down with a rattle and pressed, spritzing perfect lines of multicolored dye onto the cookies. She hid their imperfections and covered the burnt spots with bright colors and rainbows, hoping nobody would notice how sad they looked.
Okay, that took care of the sides! Now for the tops.
Originally she had planned for these to look like little rainbow present boxes. She wanted to take strands of red licorice and wrap them into bows around each cookie. Lori swirled her wand in the air and red strands of candy emerged from the bottoms of each box, tying themselves into neat little bows atop each of the cookies. They looked absolutely darling. Now all she had to do was put something of substance inside of it.
“Time’s up!”
Lorelai froze. Ice crept up her neck. She twisted around to see Vincent standing in the doorway, staring at her.
“. . . Is that a wand?” he pointed. Lorelai hid it behind her.
“I-It’s just here for the aesthetic!” she said, “Aesthetics are important! I work faster if things look nice!”
“Mm-hm. Well, the cookies do look nice.” She smiled. He liked them! Even if they were just made up to look that way and even if they were a little burned, he still liked them. She still had a chance!
She fiddled her hands together. “Um . . . hey. Vincent?”
“Yeah?”
She faltered. This wasn’t the time to ask the question she’d been wanting to ask him for hours . . . but somehow, she felt like time was running out for her. She steeled her resolve. It was now or never! Even if her cookies weren’t honest, she wanted to be.
“So, um . . . regardless of how this baking thing turns out . . . and even if I . . . even if I’m not good enough to be a minion. Which I would totally get, by the way! You’re like . . . Um . . . You’re really cool. Um. Umm . . . I was wondering . . .” Heat rushed to her cheeks. “Would you maybe wanna . . . hang out sometime? Y’know . . . out . . . outside the dream bubble?”
“Yeah, sure! I’m kinda busy this week but after that I’m down.”
“Uh . . . no, um . . . sorry. I . . .” She scrunched a little and fiddled with her little blonde bunny bangs. Wow. This was so much harder when you were asking a real boy. . . . She took a deep breath and for the first time that day Lorelai asked him a question without a costume on.
“What I mean is . . . are you single?”
“Nah I got like seven minions!” he said, tactlessly. He pointed at the door. “Check it out!” Lorelai turned to where he was gesturing and her heart dropped like an elevator with a snapped cable, slamming hard against her stomach.
Molly was standing behind him.
And not only that, but Phoenica and Trixie were sitting on Molly’s shoulders!
What. How?!
Even if they had sprinted the whole way to the hovel, it should’ve taken them at least forty minutes to get back here! What was going on?! Did she fall into some sort of wormhole when she wasn’t looking where the laws of spacetime no longer applied?! Is that what happened to her cookies!?
“I ran into Bear Trap and her friends on the way here!” Giovanni smiled. “Hope you don’t mind a couple guests for the taste test.”
A noise came out of Lorelai. The kind of sound that happens when you leave a squeaky toy out in the woods for a year or two and then step on it.
“Hi.” Molly waved.
The pixies were glaring at the witch with a mixture of disdain and fear, but Molly’s face was a neutral smile. The one she used for customer service. The one that Naven wore. She hated that. It terrified her. Why wasn’t Molly angry? She . . . she should be angry.
What had Molly said to Vincent? Did she tell him about the things that she’d done? Was he mad at her? Where was Molly’s purple friend who she had . . .
. . . who she had sent outside of the bubble?
Was he okay?
Was he . . . alive?
She was so nervous she could taste her own throat.
“I know we’re missing something. . .” Giovanni said, tapping his foot. “Oh, pfft, duh! My co-judge! Duh-doy.” He grabbed Lorelai’s wand from her and pointed it at the ceiling. “Summon a Naven!” he ordered, assuming that’s how the wand worked. Luckily, he was right. A portal opened above them, dropping Naven’s cage into the room still hanging from a chain. He jerked back and forth and, for maybe the first time that day, he looked VERY surprised by something.
“Oof!”
“Hey, buddy!” Giovanni grinned.
“Oh! H-Hello, Mr. Murder! I . . . Oh.” He looked at the Neo Trio, then looked back at Giovanni, seemingly understanding something without exchanging a word. “Oh, okay. Alright.”
“‘Alright’?” Lori repeated, flipping back and forth. “Alright”?! What did that mean!?
“Alright!” Giovanni clapped his hands together. “It’s time to take a lookie at some cookies!” He walked over to one of her present-box cookies and began inspecting it. Lori’s eyes darted back and forth between Giovanni and the two fairies on her sister’s shoulders. Why were they here? Were they going to sabotage her again?! She couldn’t get rid of Molly, but there was no reason those other two gnats needed to be here!
She triple checked to make sure that Vincent and Naven weren’t looking . . . and then she flicked a little bolt of magic at Trixie! Before the imp could even squeak, they had vanished into smoke. The witch prepared to silence whatever yelp the other two made, but . . .
Nothing. They . . . didn’t seem to care.
They’d definitely noticed. Molly was rolling her eyes and Phoenica was hiding behind Molly’s shoulder like she was afraid she’d be shot, but . . . neither of them said anything.
Why?
Before she could come up with an answer, Trixie crawled out from behind Molly’s back and sat on her shoulder again. They crossed their arms and stuck out a tongue in a silent raspberry. Nyeeeeh!!!
What?!
W-what was going on?! Did the spell miss? . . . No, that was a direct hit! She was sure of it! She fired another bolt. Trixie tried to dodge this one but it arced back like a boomerang and hit them from behind. Lorelai threw a second spell Phoenica’s way, just for good measure. Both fairies disappeared with a pop . . .
. . . and then crawled out from behind Molly’s back like nothing happened.
They reappeared immediately like cockroaches and glared at her. Lori shivered. A feeling welled up in her. That creepy feeling when you go to squish a single ant and then your eyes adjust and you notice there’s actually a whole swarm of them crawling all over your counter and your hands.
Giovanni tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped.
“Eep!”
“So!” he said, putting on a “Judging” voice, “Why don’t you tell us about these cookies?”
“U-Uh . . . alright.” Lorelai cleared her throat and tried her best to look composed. “Well, they’re . . . surprise cookies! They’re box-shaped. And rainbow. And I tied them up with red licorice!”
“Looks like you used buttercream as glue instead of white chocolate,” he said, tapping the box.
“Yeah! You, uh, said the rules didn’t matter too much and I like buttercream better! So I used that.”
“Seems like you put it on while it was still warm.” He twisted the cookie tower and it skewed diagonal. “Buttercream looks nice and fluffy, but the heat makes the frosting melt so the whole thing falls apart pretty easily.”
“O-oh . . .”
“That’s okay though!” Giovanni gave her a reassuring smile, “The most important part of the surprise cookie is the surprise! Let’s see what you got inside for us.”
He flipped open the top.
“Oh!” he said. “Nothing!”
“. . . Surprise!” Lorelai looked like she wanted to cry.
“The surprise is that it’s bad,” Trixie said.
“Hey!” Giovanni wagged an angry gargoyle finger at his cousin, “Be NICE.”
“Why?”
“Because she made us cookies! And also because the real most important part is how they taste! Let’s give these bad boys a CRONCH, shall we?” Giovanni passed a cookie to Molly and she divided it up, giving one layer each to the three fairies. They chewed on them quietly while beads of sweat grew on Lorelai’s brow. Naven looked up from his nibbling and delivered his judgment:
“I don’t like it,” he said. “It’s dough that you threw into the sun.”
The other pixies nodded. The cookie itself was a little squishy and unpleasantly sweet. The only real flavor from the desert was coming from the buttercream, and there was WAY too much of it in relation to the actual cookie. It tasted like something you’d buy on the cheap from the dollar store when running late to a potluck.
“O-Oh . . .”
“Is there a reason there’s no green in this rainbow?” Molly asked.
The Hare-idan glared at her little sister. What did she know about colors? Molly’s favorite color was brown. When given the option to pick any color in the world as their favorite, what kind of lunatic picks brown?!
“Green is my favorite color,” mentioned Naven.
“Yeah. Mine too,” Trixie said, sticking out their tongue. “Minus points for no green.”
“Wh—?!”
“HEY!” Giovanni shouted. “You guys aren’t judges! You’re guests! Be nice.” He turned to Naven. “What do you think, fellow judge?”
“Hmm . . .” Naven readjusted his little pink glasses. “Well. To be honest, Miss Blyndeff, I think this is a rather poor showing. I really was expecting something better, especially since you used magic so many times, which we expressly said was against the rules.”
She shrunk.
“But . . .”
“Yeeaaah . . .” Giovanni had to agree, “This does all seem a little magic-y. I’m guessing this buttercream here is totally magicked since there’s no equipment to make it anywhere in here.” She nodded her head. God, she was so stupid. Of course he’d notice that . . . “But hey! I like the licorice. That’s a nice touch!” He slurped the bowstring up like a spaghetti noodle.
“Also magic,” Naven pointed out.
“How do you know?!” Lori exploded. “What are you, psychic!?” Mouthing off to a judge. Bold move. Why did she do that? God, why was she like this?
“I’m an interpersonal communication teacher,” Naven crossed his arms. “It’s my job to be able to read faces. You get visibly nervous whenever we touch on anything magical in your cookies. . . . Which seems to be just about everything.”
Her face flushed with embarrassment. Of course she was getting in trouble for this. Why wouldn’t she? She deserved it, didn’t she?
“Okay, okay . . .” Giovanni moved his hands in a big calm down, everyone motion. “So there might’ve been a little rule-breaking. So the end result isn’t perfect. But hey! Rule-breaking and failure? That’s what being an evil minion is all about! And this is an evil minion test.” Lori looked up. Her tri-dotted eyes sparkled. Of course Vincent would save her! Her knight in spray-painted armor! If anyone could get her out of this it would be him.
“Now!” He threw up his arms. “It is time for . . . the CONVENING OF THE JUDGES!!! Where we shall decide the FATE of your MINION-HOOD! MUAHAHAHA!!!” He swung his cape in front of him like a Dracula. Then, realizing Naven was still in a cage and unable to move, he sidled next to him and wrapped the cape over the top in a huddle. They began whispering back and forth. Seeing her staring, Giovanni popped his head over the cape. “Oh, you can sit down! This’ll just take a hot sec.”
She slid a stool out from underneath the table and sat awkwardly, burying her hands between her knees and swinging her legs back and forth like a little girl waiting outside of the principal’s office.
Vincent and Naven spoke in hushed tones, occasionally getting loud enough for her to hear an “Oh!” or an “Uh huh . . .” After a minute, Vincent leaned out from the cape curtain and beckoned Molly and her friends over.
Oh no.
“Don’t worry!” Vincent said, “Just double-checking a few things.”
Oh no.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Ugh! If only she had been able to zoop them out of her bubble! Why wasn’t that working?! All her problems were coming back to smack her in the face! Gaaah, she was freaking out! Her legs swung faster and faster and bumped against the table, making an obnoxious repetitive bonking sound. Molly glared at her from behind Giovanni’s cape. After what felt like three hours, the group finally came to an agreement and left their huddle.
“Okay!” Giovanni announced, “The judges have made their decision!” He cleared his throat. “A simple pass-fail system is too boring, so I made up a bunch of cool rankings for this test! Like how S rank is better than A rank in dancing games.”
“Y-yeah, okay . . . So? How'd I do?”
“You got . . . Badadadadadada . . .” He mouthed a drum roll and waved his arms, taking a pose that made him look like a certain letter. “BadadadaaaaAAAA! . . . a Z!”
“Oh awesome!” She pumped her arms. “. . . What does that mean?”
He snapped his fingers at her. “It stands for Zilch! Because you got zero points!”
Lorelai blinked.
“So does this operate by golf rules or . . . ?”
“Nope! You failed! Or in this case, zailed. See? It's much cooler this way.”
. . .
“What!?!”
“Now, now . . .” Giovanni said. “I thought you might be upset. But imagine how much more upset you'd be if it was an un-cool failure. You're a cool failure! Like a dude who drops out of highschool and ends up teaching shop class twenty years later.”
“How did I get ZERO points!?” Lori jumped up from her chair. “I mean, I know I cheated maybe once or twice and my cookies weren’t the best, but ZERO?! Like, not even a single one!?”
“Frankly, I advocated for a negative score,” Naven frowned. “After all, you did more baking with illegal magic than without.”
