Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3), page 11
“Then what do you suggest I do, Dave? Sit on my hands while my sister is out there killing people?”
“You could make some chicken,” said Julian. “I’ll send Ravenus around to scout for Katherine.”
“Chicken sounds good,” said Randy. “I ain’t had nothin’ to eat since Arby’s.”
“I done all I could with your wolf,” said Dennis. “The wounds are shallow. I reckon he’ll be all right once he replenishes his blood supply. Is there a bathroom in here? I gotta wee.”
“Um…” said Cooper. “Yes and no.”
“Just go out back and find a tree,” said Tim.
“Public urination is against the law,” said Dennis.
“So is rape,” said Tim. “Fuck off.”
“Will I ever live that down?”
“Cooper, you go with him. Don’t let anybody see you.”
“Ravenus,” said Julian. “Fly around outside and see if you can find Katherine. Do you remember what she looks like?”
“Of course, sir.”
“Not good enough,” said Tim. “You need to fly in a tight spiral formation,” he had switched to a British accent so the bird could understand him. Dave knew he was serious because he didn’t make a fuss about it or go overboard with it. Just a straight-up, if not necessarily good, Michael Caine impersonation. “Expand slowly enough to make sure you see everything you can. She’s not likely gone too far. If you see people running or screaming or anything, come back and –”
“Turn on the Bat Signal?” said Katherine, standing in the doorway with some huge black guy.
“Found her!” said Ravenus.
Stacy crossed her arms. “That’s her alright.” Her tone wasn’t quite so plucky as Dave was used to.
“Katherine!” shouted Tim. “Where the fuck have you been?”
The big black guy stepped past Katherine and took a knee in front of Tim. “That’s no way to speak to a lady, young man.”
“I’m thirty years old, Beef Bone.”
The man nodded. “In that case…” He punched Tim in the face. It wasn’t a hard punch, but it was fast and unexpected enough to land Tim on his ass.
“Stand down, Tyrell,” said Katherine. “That’s my brother.”
The big man bowed before her. “Please accept my humblest apologies, master.”
“Master?” said Dave.
“Oh Katherine,” said Tim. “What did you do?”
“Nothing!” said Katherine.
“Your first day back as a vampire, and you pull a Paula Deen?”
“It wasn’t like that. He caught me outside of Rouse’s eating rats, and I was nervous, and he called me a crazy white woman –”
“Can you blame him?” asked Cooper, escorting Dennis back into the dining area. “You look bugfuck insane.”
Cooper had a point. Katherine’s blond hair was all over the place. Her dress was dirty. The lower half of her face, all the way down her neck, was covered in what Dave could only assume was dried rat blood.
“I lost control of my impulses,” said Katherine. “The next thing I knew I was all up in his face demanding that he respect me.”
“You dominated him,” said Julian. He was sitting in a chair with the Caverns and Creatures Monster Manual opened on his lap.
Tim glared at him. “This isn’t something to congratulate her for.”
“I’m not congratulating her,” said Julian. “That’s what it’s called. It’s right here in the rules. Vampires can impose their will on people.”
“Sweet,” said Cooper. “Have you made him… you know…” He nodded down at the rabbit cage, where little fuzzy Ron Jeremy was boinking away at one of his concubines.
“Ew! No!”
“Racist.”
“It says here that you can release the subject anytime you like,” said Julian.
“Go on, Katherine,” said Tim. “Let him go.”
“I don’t know how,” said Katherine.
“Ain’t that the truth,” said Stacy.
Katherine put her hands on her hips and looked at Stacy. “I’m sorry. Who the fuck are you again?”
“Katherine!” said Tim. “Just say the words.”
“What words?”
“I find it doesn’t matter so much,” said Dave. “As long as your intentions are clear. When I want to heal someone, I say ‘I heal thee’, but I don’t think it would work the same if I said something like ‘Wounds be sealed’, or ‘Mend thy body’, or –”
“Or maybe even something not retarded,” said Cooper.
Dave ignored him. “So maybe try ‘I release thee.’?”
“The what?”
“Jesus, Katherine,” said Tim. “Just say it.”
“Fine.” Katherine placed her palm on Tyrell’s massive chest and closed her eyes. “I release thee.”
Tyrell blinked. “What is this? Where am I?” He looked down at Tim. “Wait… Did I just punch you in the face? I’m sorry.”
“It’s cool,” said Tim. “I get that a lot.”
Katherine leaned into his view, grinned like a horror movie clown, and waved. “Remember me?”
“JESUS!” cried Tyrell, jumping back from her. “Hold up. Ain’t you the crazy rat lady outside the – Oh no!” He cupped his hands over his mouth. “Tell me I didn’t punch Mr. Ellis in the face.”
“He was an asshole,” said Katherine. “You can do better than that.”
“He’s like a father to me!” said Tyrell. “Dude just gave me a raise.” He looked around the room angrily. “You freaks just cost me my job!”
“Join the club, Bub,” said Stacy.
Tyrell pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, frantically jabbing at the screen as he backed out of the doorway. He got into his truck. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Ellis. I don’t know what came over me… I appreciate that, sir… Yes, sir. I’ll be there right away.” Any conversation beyond that was drowned out by the engine roaring to life and the squeal of tires.
“Call me!” Katherine shouted out after him.
“Hey,” said Julian. “Did you know you can turn into a bat?”
“Yeah,” said Katherine. “It’s awesome. What’s with the rabbits?”
Tim closed and locked the door behind her. “We bought them for you and – Hey, where’s your little friend?”
“He tried to eat Butterbean, so I threw him through the window. He took off.”
Randy clapped his hands together. “Well, that’s one mystery solved.”
Katherine squatted down over Butterbean. “How are you doing, sweetie?” The wolf gave her a weak growl. Katherine stood up. “He’s getting better already.”
“Katherine!” cried Tim. “You set an NPC vampire loose in Gulfport?”
“He’ll be fine.”
“I don’t give a fuck about him!” said Tim. “If he starts turning people, we could have an epidemic on our hands. What’s the point of chasing after Mordred to get ourselves back to normal if the world gets overrun with vampires?”
“How’s the Mordred hunt going?”
“Not well. We’re back to square one. Worse than that really, considering he knows we’re after him now, and we’ve got no leads.”
“That’s not true,” said Stacy. “What about the game?”
“What game?” asked Julian.
“I looked up Mordred on Facebook earlier,” said Tim. “The fat bastard is already trying to recruit new players. It’s a good idea, but I don’t see him inviting any of us. He’ll be expecting us to track him down on the internet. He knows our faces. Our real faces.”
“Don’t take no time to set up a fake account,” said Dennis. “Grab a stock photo off the net, and you’re good to go. Fellas down at the station do it all the time to set up stings and whatnot.” He looked down at his shoes. “A few of them have been known to use the same trick for more nefarious purposes.”
“No good,” said Tim. “New account. No friends, no posting history. Way too suspicious. Mordred’s on high alert.”
“What about me?” said Stacy.
“What about you?”
“I’ve got a Facebook account. Friends, cat memes, the whole works. And I’m not connected to any of you freaks.”
“I don’t know,” said Tim. “That might be even more suspicious. An attractive woman messaging him from out of the blue.”
“Pffft,” said Katherine.
“It’ll work,” said Dave. “Mordred doesn’t see himself like everyone else sees him.”
“Like the bastard child of George Lucas and Jabba?” said Cooper.
“Exactly,” said Dave. “Remember when he first came in here, strolling around like he was the emperor of Rome? He’s arrogant. His long-standing role as Cavern Master has distorted his sense of how people perceive him. A pretty girl sending him a message will only serve to feed his over-inflated ego.”
“Aaawwww,” said Stacy. “You boys are just too much!”
“Also,” said Cooper. “If there’s anything a guy will let his guard down for, it’s a hot piece of tail.”
“Come on guys,” said Katherine, her hands on her hips. “She’s like a six, tops.”
“That’s it,” said Stacy, stepping out from behind her table.
Katherine hissed and bared her fangs.
“I’ve compromised my integrity for less than a six before,” said Cooper.
Tim hopped down from his chair and dove at Stacy’s feet. They both crashed to the floor.
“Ew!” said Stacy. “Why’s the floor so sticky? When’s the last time you mopped?”
Katherine loomed over them. She ran her tongue over her fangs.
“Get the hell out of here and go find that little vampire shit!” said Tim.
“Hmph,” said Katherine. “Six ain’t worth it. I’d rather eat rats.” She tossed her hair back and walked toward the front door.
“Hold on,” said Tim, standing up. “Cooper’s going with you.”
“I am?” said Cooper.
“Yes,” said Tim. “If it comes down to a vampire fight, you should more than tip the scale in Katherine’s favor. Just try to stay out of sight as best you can. Bring the Bag of Holding. Kill him if you have to, but try to just bag him.”
“He’s only three feet tall,” said Katherine. “I think I can handle him myself. Cooper will just slow me down.”
“I’m not taking any chances. You go together. Take Randy’s van. Randy, keys.”
Randy tossed his keys to Katherine, who snatched them out of the air as quick as a frog tongue.
“I’ll go with them,” said Chaz. “I have experience with vampires.”
Cooper snorted as he re-entered from the back with the Bag of Holding. “You have experience being a vampire’s bitch.”
“Keep talking, Cooper,” said Chaz. “We’ll see how tough you talk after we get those dice back and we both return to normal.”
“Come on, Cooper,” said Katherine.
Cooper gave Chaz a wide grin and a middle finger as he and Katherine walked out the front door.
It occurred to Dave that nobody except Katherine knew what Chaz’s true form looked like. He guessed from the nature of his threat that he was probably a big guy. That was good. Cooper could use a good pounding.
“I need you here, Chaz,” said Tim.
“What for?” said Chaz. “I’m just a bard, remember?”
“I need you to pretend to be Stacy on Facebook.”
“What the hell for?” asked Chaz. “Why can’t Stacy be Stacy?”
“I am pretty good at it,” said Stacy.
“I’m sorry, Stacy,” said Tim. “You’re really pretty. And you’re smart, and funny, and you’ve really been a great sport about all this.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
“But we’ve only got one shot at this, and Chaz has a higher Charisma than you.”
“I hate your whole family.”
As much fun as it was watching Tim make an ass of himself, the hours of being jostled against the metal walls of Randy’s van were beginning to take their toll, and the desire for sleep became too heavy a burden to bear. Dave climbed onto the cracked vinyl bench of one of the Chicken Hut’s booths. He was out before his face hit the table.
Chapter 13
Cooper waited patiently in the van’s passenger seat for Katherine. He had a pretty good grasp of her tolerance of him, and he knew he was near the line. At any other time, that would be great. She was a fun one to get riled up. But he hadn’t known he’d have to go out driving with her, and he wanted her to let him sit up front. The back of the van smelled like… well, like him.
Katherine stomped out of the Chicken Hut with her hand wrapped around a rabbit’s neck. Thankfully, it wasn’t little Ron Jeremy. She appeared to have run a brush through her hair and a wet wipe over her face. She got into the driver’s seat and slammed the door so hard that Cooper was surprised it remained attached to the frame.
“Sorry,” she huffed. “I’m still getting used to my new strength.”
“Tell me about it.” Cooper flexed his pectoral muscles, discovering the limit of the seatbelt’s give. A tiny fart squeaked out of his ass. It was loud for its size.
Katherine didn’t hit him or swear at him or anything. She just rolled down the window and stroked the plump, white, furry bunny on her lap. “I’m pretty, right?”
That was a left hook Cooper had not seen coming. He’d been prepared for a punch in the arm, even if it was from a vampire. But the last thing he needed was Katherine unloading her insecurities and feelings and shit on him. “Um… sure?”
“I’ve got a lot of good qualities. Any guy would be lucky to have me.”
“Fuckin’ A.”
“I’m smart. I’m attractive. I’m good with kids… when they’re not being little assholes.” She held up the rabbit in Cooper’s face. “See? I love animals.”
The rabbit looked at Cooper with pink, pleading eyes. Sorry, friend.
“Goddammit!” said Katherine, looking down at her lap. There were three little brown pellets. “The little bitch shit on me!” She brought the rabbit to her mouth and tore a hole in its neck. Blood dribbled down her chin as she sucked the dead bunny dry. The spectacle was both horrifying and strangely erotic.
When the rabbit was about a third of its original size, the sucking and slurping stopped. Cooper willed his dick to stop hardening. They settled at a semi.
“That’s way better than rat,” said Katherine. She ran a finger across her chin and looked at it. “I got some on me?”
“It’s cool,” said Cooper, who was feeling anything but cool. “I’m sure ol’ Randy’s got some tissues in here.” He reached for the glove compartment.
“Fuck it,” said Katherine. “She wiped the clean side of the rabbit corpse on her face, wiping off most of the blood. Then she stuffed the dead rabbit’s head in her mouth and bit down until there was an audible crunch. “Ew, bone,” she said, whipping her tongue past her lips and spitting out bits of rabbit skull. She tossed the stained, mutilated husk of former bunny out the window and turned on the ignition.
Cooper stared at her. That was some fucked up shit.
“What?” said Katherine. “It’s biodegradable, right?”
“Uh…”
“I’m high as fuck. Let’s get out of here.”
Tires squealed and the van jolted forward. They rolled over the curb before pulling out onto Highway 90, narrowly avoiding getting smashed into by an oncoming car.
“Asshole!” the driver shouted over the sound of his own horn as he swerved around them.
“Hey fuck you!” Katherine shouted back. Once she settled on a lane, her driving was less erratic. “So, where to?”
“Let’s swing by Papa Joe’s,” said Cooper.
“We’re supposed to be hunting a vampire,” said Katherine. “Not picking up a pizza.”
“Do you know where Count Suckula is?”
“His name is Ginfizzle, and no.”
“Then we’ll just as likely find him at Papa Joe’s as anywhere else, right?”
“I guess.”
“Derek the night manager should be working now. He’s a dick. I want to scare the shit out of him.”
“You’re supposed to be keeping a low profile.”
“All part of the plan.”
“Good enough for me,” said Katherine.
Cooper spent the next ten minutes leaning back in his seat, trying to obscure his face from other cars as much as possible while still being able to see out the window. There was no sign of any rampaging midgets.
“Pull over,” said Cooper. “Stop here.”
“Why?” asked Katherine, but she pulled the van over and stopped on the shoulder.
“You see the Taco Bell on the other side of Papa Joes?” Cooper couldn’t read either sign himself, but he recognized the logos. Being illiterate was surprisingly easy around here.
“Yeah?”
“Pull the van into that parking lot.”
“What for?”
“It doesn’t connect with the Papa Joe’s parking lot. I’m going to run in through the front door and out through the back. Nobody will be able to catch me on foot, and if they want to follow us in a car, they’ll have to drive all the way around to Baywater Boulevard and maybe even stop at a light. We’ll be long gone.”
“That’s a pretty sophisticated plan,” said Katherine. “I thought you were supposed to be like borderline retarded.”
“I am,” said Cooper. “It’s not my plan. Some punks pulled the same trick on us last Halloween.” He opened the door and got out of the van. “Fuckers made off clean with five pizzas.”
When Katherine drove off, Cooper ducked behind a billboard advertising a Casino. Having a few minutes to kill, he decided to rub one out. The surefire cure for an unwanted erection. He tried to think of other things. Japanese porn. Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Even his failsafe, Martha Stewart. But his mind kept roaming back to the image of Katherine sucking on that rabbit. What the fuck did that say about him? Now was not the time to contemplate such things. He gave in to his half-orc dick’s will and embraced the slurping and sucking noises, the single drop of red blood that fell between her pale breasts, her tongue, slick with fresh blood, running over her smeared lips. Just when he was getting into the rhythm that would take him to climax, he noticed a stray, mangy Border Collie staring up at him a few feet away.
“You could make some chicken,” said Julian. “I’ll send Ravenus around to scout for Katherine.”
“Chicken sounds good,” said Randy. “I ain’t had nothin’ to eat since Arby’s.”
“I done all I could with your wolf,” said Dennis. “The wounds are shallow. I reckon he’ll be all right once he replenishes his blood supply. Is there a bathroom in here? I gotta wee.”
“Um…” said Cooper. “Yes and no.”
“Just go out back and find a tree,” said Tim.
“Public urination is against the law,” said Dennis.
“So is rape,” said Tim. “Fuck off.”
“Will I ever live that down?”
“Cooper, you go with him. Don’t let anybody see you.”
“Ravenus,” said Julian. “Fly around outside and see if you can find Katherine. Do you remember what she looks like?”
“Of course, sir.”
“Not good enough,” said Tim. “You need to fly in a tight spiral formation,” he had switched to a British accent so the bird could understand him. Dave knew he was serious because he didn’t make a fuss about it or go overboard with it. Just a straight-up, if not necessarily good, Michael Caine impersonation. “Expand slowly enough to make sure you see everything you can. She’s not likely gone too far. If you see people running or screaming or anything, come back and –”
“Turn on the Bat Signal?” said Katherine, standing in the doorway with some huge black guy.
“Found her!” said Ravenus.
Stacy crossed her arms. “That’s her alright.” Her tone wasn’t quite so plucky as Dave was used to.
“Katherine!” shouted Tim. “Where the fuck have you been?”
The big black guy stepped past Katherine and took a knee in front of Tim. “That’s no way to speak to a lady, young man.”
“I’m thirty years old, Beef Bone.”
The man nodded. “In that case…” He punched Tim in the face. It wasn’t a hard punch, but it was fast and unexpected enough to land Tim on his ass.
“Stand down, Tyrell,” said Katherine. “That’s my brother.”
The big man bowed before her. “Please accept my humblest apologies, master.”
“Master?” said Dave.
“Oh Katherine,” said Tim. “What did you do?”
“Nothing!” said Katherine.
“Your first day back as a vampire, and you pull a Paula Deen?”
“It wasn’t like that. He caught me outside of Rouse’s eating rats, and I was nervous, and he called me a crazy white woman –”
“Can you blame him?” asked Cooper, escorting Dennis back into the dining area. “You look bugfuck insane.”
Cooper had a point. Katherine’s blond hair was all over the place. Her dress was dirty. The lower half of her face, all the way down her neck, was covered in what Dave could only assume was dried rat blood.
“I lost control of my impulses,” said Katherine. “The next thing I knew I was all up in his face demanding that he respect me.”
“You dominated him,” said Julian. He was sitting in a chair with the Caverns and Creatures Monster Manual opened on his lap.
Tim glared at him. “This isn’t something to congratulate her for.”
“I’m not congratulating her,” said Julian. “That’s what it’s called. It’s right here in the rules. Vampires can impose their will on people.”
“Sweet,” said Cooper. “Have you made him… you know…” He nodded down at the rabbit cage, where little fuzzy Ron Jeremy was boinking away at one of his concubines.
“Ew! No!”
“Racist.”
“It says here that you can release the subject anytime you like,” said Julian.
“Go on, Katherine,” said Tim. “Let him go.”
“I don’t know how,” said Katherine.
“Ain’t that the truth,” said Stacy.
Katherine put her hands on her hips and looked at Stacy. “I’m sorry. Who the fuck are you again?”
“Katherine!” said Tim. “Just say the words.”
“What words?”
“I find it doesn’t matter so much,” said Dave. “As long as your intentions are clear. When I want to heal someone, I say ‘I heal thee’, but I don’t think it would work the same if I said something like ‘Wounds be sealed’, or ‘Mend thy body’, or –”
“Or maybe even something not retarded,” said Cooper.
Dave ignored him. “So maybe try ‘I release thee.’?”
“The what?”
“Jesus, Katherine,” said Tim. “Just say it.”
“Fine.” Katherine placed her palm on Tyrell’s massive chest and closed her eyes. “I release thee.”
Tyrell blinked. “What is this? Where am I?” He looked down at Tim. “Wait… Did I just punch you in the face? I’m sorry.”
“It’s cool,” said Tim. “I get that a lot.”
Katherine leaned into his view, grinned like a horror movie clown, and waved. “Remember me?”
“JESUS!” cried Tyrell, jumping back from her. “Hold up. Ain’t you the crazy rat lady outside the – Oh no!” He cupped his hands over his mouth. “Tell me I didn’t punch Mr. Ellis in the face.”
“He was an asshole,” said Katherine. “You can do better than that.”
“He’s like a father to me!” said Tyrell. “Dude just gave me a raise.” He looked around the room angrily. “You freaks just cost me my job!”
“Join the club, Bub,” said Stacy.
Tyrell pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, frantically jabbing at the screen as he backed out of the doorway. He got into his truck. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Ellis. I don’t know what came over me… I appreciate that, sir… Yes, sir. I’ll be there right away.” Any conversation beyond that was drowned out by the engine roaring to life and the squeal of tires.
“Call me!” Katherine shouted out after him.
“Hey,” said Julian. “Did you know you can turn into a bat?”
“Yeah,” said Katherine. “It’s awesome. What’s with the rabbits?”
Tim closed and locked the door behind her. “We bought them for you and – Hey, where’s your little friend?”
“He tried to eat Butterbean, so I threw him through the window. He took off.”
Randy clapped his hands together. “Well, that’s one mystery solved.”
Katherine squatted down over Butterbean. “How are you doing, sweetie?” The wolf gave her a weak growl. Katherine stood up. “He’s getting better already.”
“Katherine!” cried Tim. “You set an NPC vampire loose in Gulfport?”
“He’ll be fine.”
“I don’t give a fuck about him!” said Tim. “If he starts turning people, we could have an epidemic on our hands. What’s the point of chasing after Mordred to get ourselves back to normal if the world gets overrun with vampires?”
“How’s the Mordred hunt going?”
“Not well. We’re back to square one. Worse than that really, considering he knows we’re after him now, and we’ve got no leads.”
“That’s not true,” said Stacy. “What about the game?”
“What game?” asked Julian.
“I looked up Mordred on Facebook earlier,” said Tim. “The fat bastard is already trying to recruit new players. It’s a good idea, but I don’t see him inviting any of us. He’ll be expecting us to track him down on the internet. He knows our faces. Our real faces.”
“Don’t take no time to set up a fake account,” said Dennis. “Grab a stock photo off the net, and you’re good to go. Fellas down at the station do it all the time to set up stings and whatnot.” He looked down at his shoes. “A few of them have been known to use the same trick for more nefarious purposes.”
“No good,” said Tim. “New account. No friends, no posting history. Way too suspicious. Mordred’s on high alert.”
“What about me?” said Stacy.
“What about you?”
“I’ve got a Facebook account. Friends, cat memes, the whole works. And I’m not connected to any of you freaks.”
“I don’t know,” said Tim. “That might be even more suspicious. An attractive woman messaging him from out of the blue.”
“Pffft,” said Katherine.
“It’ll work,” said Dave. “Mordred doesn’t see himself like everyone else sees him.”
“Like the bastard child of George Lucas and Jabba?” said Cooper.
“Exactly,” said Dave. “Remember when he first came in here, strolling around like he was the emperor of Rome? He’s arrogant. His long-standing role as Cavern Master has distorted his sense of how people perceive him. A pretty girl sending him a message will only serve to feed his over-inflated ego.”
“Aaawwww,” said Stacy. “You boys are just too much!”
“Also,” said Cooper. “If there’s anything a guy will let his guard down for, it’s a hot piece of tail.”
“Come on guys,” said Katherine, her hands on her hips. “She’s like a six, tops.”
“That’s it,” said Stacy, stepping out from behind her table.
Katherine hissed and bared her fangs.
“I’ve compromised my integrity for less than a six before,” said Cooper.
Tim hopped down from his chair and dove at Stacy’s feet. They both crashed to the floor.
“Ew!” said Stacy. “Why’s the floor so sticky? When’s the last time you mopped?”
Katherine loomed over them. She ran her tongue over her fangs.
“Get the hell out of here and go find that little vampire shit!” said Tim.
“Hmph,” said Katherine. “Six ain’t worth it. I’d rather eat rats.” She tossed her hair back and walked toward the front door.
“Hold on,” said Tim, standing up. “Cooper’s going with you.”
“I am?” said Cooper.
“Yes,” said Tim. “If it comes down to a vampire fight, you should more than tip the scale in Katherine’s favor. Just try to stay out of sight as best you can. Bring the Bag of Holding. Kill him if you have to, but try to just bag him.”
“He’s only three feet tall,” said Katherine. “I think I can handle him myself. Cooper will just slow me down.”
“I’m not taking any chances. You go together. Take Randy’s van. Randy, keys.”
Randy tossed his keys to Katherine, who snatched them out of the air as quick as a frog tongue.
“I’ll go with them,” said Chaz. “I have experience with vampires.”
Cooper snorted as he re-entered from the back with the Bag of Holding. “You have experience being a vampire’s bitch.”
“Keep talking, Cooper,” said Chaz. “We’ll see how tough you talk after we get those dice back and we both return to normal.”
“Come on, Cooper,” said Katherine.
Cooper gave Chaz a wide grin and a middle finger as he and Katherine walked out the front door.
It occurred to Dave that nobody except Katherine knew what Chaz’s true form looked like. He guessed from the nature of his threat that he was probably a big guy. That was good. Cooper could use a good pounding.
“I need you here, Chaz,” said Tim.
“What for?” said Chaz. “I’m just a bard, remember?”
“I need you to pretend to be Stacy on Facebook.”
“What the hell for?” asked Chaz. “Why can’t Stacy be Stacy?”
“I am pretty good at it,” said Stacy.
“I’m sorry, Stacy,” said Tim. “You’re really pretty. And you’re smart, and funny, and you’ve really been a great sport about all this.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
“But we’ve only got one shot at this, and Chaz has a higher Charisma than you.”
“I hate your whole family.”
As much fun as it was watching Tim make an ass of himself, the hours of being jostled against the metal walls of Randy’s van were beginning to take their toll, and the desire for sleep became too heavy a burden to bear. Dave climbed onto the cracked vinyl bench of one of the Chicken Hut’s booths. He was out before his face hit the table.
Chapter 13
Cooper waited patiently in the van’s passenger seat for Katherine. He had a pretty good grasp of her tolerance of him, and he knew he was near the line. At any other time, that would be great. She was a fun one to get riled up. But he hadn’t known he’d have to go out driving with her, and he wanted her to let him sit up front. The back of the van smelled like… well, like him.
Katherine stomped out of the Chicken Hut with her hand wrapped around a rabbit’s neck. Thankfully, it wasn’t little Ron Jeremy. She appeared to have run a brush through her hair and a wet wipe over her face. She got into the driver’s seat and slammed the door so hard that Cooper was surprised it remained attached to the frame.
“Sorry,” she huffed. “I’m still getting used to my new strength.”
“Tell me about it.” Cooper flexed his pectoral muscles, discovering the limit of the seatbelt’s give. A tiny fart squeaked out of his ass. It was loud for its size.
Katherine didn’t hit him or swear at him or anything. She just rolled down the window and stroked the plump, white, furry bunny on her lap. “I’m pretty, right?”
That was a left hook Cooper had not seen coming. He’d been prepared for a punch in the arm, even if it was from a vampire. But the last thing he needed was Katherine unloading her insecurities and feelings and shit on him. “Um… sure?”
“I’ve got a lot of good qualities. Any guy would be lucky to have me.”
“Fuckin’ A.”
“I’m smart. I’m attractive. I’m good with kids… when they’re not being little assholes.” She held up the rabbit in Cooper’s face. “See? I love animals.”
The rabbit looked at Cooper with pink, pleading eyes. Sorry, friend.
“Goddammit!” said Katherine, looking down at her lap. There were three little brown pellets. “The little bitch shit on me!” She brought the rabbit to her mouth and tore a hole in its neck. Blood dribbled down her chin as she sucked the dead bunny dry. The spectacle was both horrifying and strangely erotic.
When the rabbit was about a third of its original size, the sucking and slurping stopped. Cooper willed his dick to stop hardening. They settled at a semi.
“That’s way better than rat,” said Katherine. She ran a finger across her chin and looked at it. “I got some on me?”
“It’s cool,” said Cooper, who was feeling anything but cool. “I’m sure ol’ Randy’s got some tissues in here.” He reached for the glove compartment.
“Fuck it,” said Katherine. “She wiped the clean side of the rabbit corpse on her face, wiping off most of the blood. Then she stuffed the dead rabbit’s head in her mouth and bit down until there was an audible crunch. “Ew, bone,” she said, whipping her tongue past her lips and spitting out bits of rabbit skull. She tossed the stained, mutilated husk of former bunny out the window and turned on the ignition.
Cooper stared at her. That was some fucked up shit.
“What?” said Katherine. “It’s biodegradable, right?”
“Uh…”
“I’m high as fuck. Let’s get out of here.”
Tires squealed and the van jolted forward. They rolled over the curb before pulling out onto Highway 90, narrowly avoiding getting smashed into by an oncoming car.
“Asshole!” the driver shouted over the sound of his own horn as he swerved around them.
“Hey fuck you!” Katherine shouted back. Once she settled on a lane, her driving was less erratic. “So, where to?”
“Let’s swing by Papa Joe’s,” said Cooper.
“We’re supposed to be hunting a vampire,” said Katherine. “Not picking up a pizza.”
“Do you know where Count Suckula is?”
“His name is Ginfizzle, and no.”
“Then we’ll just as likely find him at Papa Joe’s as anywhere else, right?”
“I guess.”
“Derek the night manager should be working now. He’s a dick. I want to scare the shit out of him.”
“You’re supposed to be keeping a low profile.”
“All part of the plan.”
“Good enough for me,” said Katherine.
Cooper spent the next ten minutes leaning back in his seat, trying to obscure his face from other cars as much as possible while still being able to see out the window. There was no sign of any rampaging midgets.
“Pull over,” said Cooper. “Stop here.”
“Why?” asked Katherine, but she pulled the van over and stopped on the shoulder.
“You see the Taco Bell on the other side of Papa Joes?” Cooper couldn’t read either sign himself, but he recognized the logos. Being illiterate was surprisingly easy around here.
“Yeah?”
“Pull the van into that parking lot.”
“What for?”
“It doesn’t connect with the Papa Joe’s parking lot. I’m going to run in through the front door and out through the back. Nobody will be able to catch me on foot, and if they want to follow us in a car, they’ll have to drive all the way around to Baywater Boulevard and maybe even stop at a light. We’ll be long gone.”
“That’s a pretty sophisticated plan,” said Katherine. “I thought you were supposed to be like borderline retarded.”
“I am,” said Cooper. “It’s not my plan. Some punks pulled the same trick on us last Halloween.” He opened the door and got out of the van. “Fuckers made off clean with five pizzas.”
When Katherine drove off, Cooper ducked behind a billboard advertising a Casino. Having a few minutes to kill, he decided to rub one out. The surefire cure for an unwanted erection. He tried to think of other things. Japanese porn. Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Even his failsafe, Martha Stewart. But his mind kept roaming back to the image of Katherine sucking on that rabbit. What the fuck did that say about him? Now was not the time to contemplate such things. He gave in to his half-orc dick’s will and embraced the slurping and sucking noises, the single drop of red blood that fell between her pale breasts, her tongue, slick with fresh blood, running over her smeared lips. Just when he was getting into the rhythm that would take him to climax, he noticed a stray, mangy Border Collie staring up at him a few feet away.
