Vampire, page 1
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Amy’s Blog: http://amymahvampire.blogspot.com/
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ISBN (13) 9781874192619
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-Trust Me; I’m a Vampire
Okay, so I am a vampire; so what? Yes, I do bite, so just shut up, human readers, and listen, or you will discover just how sharp my fangs are.
Look, I’m not undead, but I am not human, either; I’m just a girl that happens to have better teeth than you do. I am a living vampire, so not dead (with or without a “un,” okay)? You didn’t know that there were real living vampires? Well, that is not my fault, so try and not tell everyone of your ignorance, as my auntie always says; let people think you are an idiot without opening your mouth and proving it to them. And you humans are just so wrong about what real life as a vampire is like. Stupid and wrong: yes, I know you are only a pre-packed lunch on legs, but at least try and see the world from the point of a different species (and may I say, superior life form), namely me.
Being a vampire is not like in the movies; it is boring, and having the whole world out to get you just because you have better teeth than they do is unfair and totally specie-ist. I don’t go on about humans having short puny teeth and odd smells, now, do I?
Well, to try and educate you a little before the bell rings and you all go back to the trees with the other apes, I am going to explain just how and why my life is so unfair in being a teenage vampire.
Where should I start? No, not at the beginning, unless you wish me to discuss potty training or my special gift of being sick over things that were dry-clean only. Instead, let me start at the worst age possible, like right now: a teenager, and at a time in my life when I could die a thousand deaths daily in indescribable ways as I am forced to face the unending, living hell. Yes, you guessed it; it’s called high school.
And by the way, my name is Amy, and this is my life, if you can call it a life. Okay, so just sit back, shut up, and let me tell you all about it; if you fidget, then I should warn you that I was not joking about having better teeth than you, and they are sharp!
I also have good night vision. Okay, so I’m also slightly pigeon-toed, but we won’t go into that, so darkness is safe for me up to the point of tripping over dark-colored objects that some idiot has left lying about.
Vampires can ignore the problems of lack of light when we feed; yes, that is the correct term. Saying that one is “slurping blood and burping” just does not sound correct, and with me, it is sometimes all splashing and making slurping noises. So I’m a messy eater; want to make something out of it?
It is dark when I eat, and heck, I said good night vision; I did not say it was as good as military night glasses, did I?
It would be nice if things could go right for just one day, like remembering to take one’s sports kits actually on a day you will be doing it. I can still remember that time I had to play in my underwear! Okay, so I was eight at the time, but it’s something one remembers. Not that I should even be doing outside games: I have a doctor’s note saying due to a lack of something or other, my skin burns easily in strong light.
Er ….vampires and sunlight …get it? No, I don’t burst into flames; and as to glowing, the saying is, “Horses sweat, men perspire, and women glow.” Okay, okay, so you could say that when I get hot, I glow like a horse. Well, my human family’s nickname for me is “Horse,” and I can bite like one as well (but with a lot sharper teeth)-not that I have ever bitten anyone.
Besides, it has taken me years to live down the time I tried to turn into a bat, which is just another thing the films are so wrong about. Being caught flapping one’s arms up and down and running along a school corridor trying to fly is the sort of event that has a tendency to follow one through school like a bad smell, and you can end up on the receiving end of some very cruel names.
To change the subject, Amy had been looking forward to this all day, and her tummy was beginning to make some interesting sounds.
She slowly opened her mouth wide, yawning as she did so that she could feel her fangs began to descend.
No, I don’t know how they do it, and yes, I have tried putting a mirror in my mouth to watch. When I do that, they must get shy as they will refuse to appear if I watch. Think of it as something like removing a bra without taking the t-shirt off when changing for games; it works when you try it at home, but you end up strangling yourself when you try it in company. Look, stop asking questions, and let me carry on. Sigh.
The metal tangy smell of the wet blood of the victim was causing Amy’s mouth to water in anticipation of the taste that was soon to follow. Her fangs were now at their maximum length, which is quite impressive if I do say so myself. It just was not something you can go and put on job applications (well, not if it’s the sort of job that involves smiling at people).
The need for blood was now so strong that Amy could no longer wait. Think of it as having a piece of chocolate placed in your mouth and not being allowed to chew it up. Well, it is like that, apart from still not being able to chew it (and if blood looks brown, then it tastes a bit off).
Amy pounced on the target and sank her fangs deep into the flesh, but instead of the pleasure she was expecting, there was pain: so much pain that tears filled her eyes and she wanted to scream and scream until the agony of knowing that she had been stabbed hit her.
Amy of course knew that to scream in this situation would be pointless, so after cursing first with pain and then about the lack of curse words she knew, she lashed out with her arms and by luck more than judgement hit a switch. Immediately, the room was filled with a cold, flickering neon light. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and as Amy looked down at her poor chest area with blurred vision, she cursed out loud.
“Frigging heck! That’s another shirt ruined. This is so not right, darn it! I’m a vampire, so how can I miss biting into a dead lump of meat again!!”
Lying across her chest was a large, raw and very bloody steak that had been lovingly purchased on the way home after school today; the blood, which should now be filling Amy’s mouth, was instead currently leaving a large, very interesting and probably permanent stain on a new white blouse. The pain was, of course, due to biting herself yet again, which was also the reason why she had dropped her precious midnight snack.
Why don’t they give instruction books with the fangs, or at least a label with washing instructions? Suddenly, one day she had discovered that she had fangs (which came as one heck of a shock, let me tell you). At least with periods, they hand out leaflets and sample packs of- no, that’s getting off the subject.
It was only by accident that Amy had discovered that her new eating tools extended unbidden to full length when yawning. She could use chopsticks with no problem; it was expected when you looked Asian. Besides, if you failed to grab what you wanted with a pair of little sticks at a group meal, someone else quickly would. As to speaking Chinese, well, that was a different matter. Believe me when I say that four tone difference in word pronunciation does not come with the skin color.
Going back to fangs: well, like your first period, finding out that you have such appendages is not a welcome experience. They first appeared the very first week when Amy was a freshman in high school, scoring a 10/10 on the dork scale. She had an accidental yawn that turned into a full vampire attack during religious philosophy, as if some satanic force wished to get its side over on the subject.
So here I am now, an evil, blood-sucking denizen of the night having to gently pull my impaled hand off my own fangs.
Well, Amy thought, perhaps I can be ahead of a fashionable new trend on having body piercing for the hands, or perhaps I could start one; someone had to invent ear piercing and nose rings. An eyebrow ring was always in style, and she could already wear lip rings from the number of times she had bitten herself! By the way, instantly healing only happens in the movies, unless you call using sticky plasters and waiting for it to itch and scab over instant healing; personally, I do not.
So was Amy a living undead? And what the heck was “undead” supposed to mean? Amy’s dictionary did not even have it listed as a real word, so apart from vampires being known as “undead” (like zombies), all she knew was that she was a living vampire; perhaps “undead” should be reserved just for things like zombies. The closest thing that she had seen was Mr. McGregor, who taught history. He had very flaky skin and a graveyard cough, plus he was old enough to have lived through most of the history he taught, so perhaps he was the nearest the school had to a zombie.
Anyway, enough of this deep thinking. Amy grabbed her steak up with her non-fashionable, free-of-holes other hand. She shoved as much as she could fit into her mouth and sucked.
Woooooooow, that’s better! Okay, and just where in any book did it say that vampires couldn’t be messy eaters? I did just tell you this; you are listening, aren’t you?
After cleaning the splattered blood off her face and putting the blouse in the sink to soak with the vague hope that she could wear it again (and not just for Halloween), Amy lay on her bed with her feet in the air. As I said before (the same as every other teenager), I know that the world is personally out to get me. What I can’t work out is what I did to piss it off so badly that it has taken me on as a personal challenge, darn it! And yes, I should really learn some new curse words. Saying piss was a mistake, as Amy now realized that she needed to go back to the bathroom. Well, at least it saved a double trip, she thought, as I needed to attend to my teeth (yet another thing the books forgot to tell anyone wishing to become a vampire). Along with the bloodsucking came lots and lots of cleaning and regular trips to the bathroom.
It also took a long time to clean them, due to having so many. The books talk about vampire fangs: two sharp pointed teeth, which is a load of crap. My mouth would make a sabre-toothed piranha jealous. Besides, it was not just the after-meal ritual and the constant feeling that you had been sucking on rusty nails; it was also that Amy so loved the taste of the toothpaste, and I am sure there is no harm in swallowing it instead of spitting it out. Well, I heard once that toothpaste has calcium in it, and with my teeth, I need lots of calcium!
On returning to her bedroom, cleaner but still licking her lips, Amy kicked off her slippers and jumped on the bed, stretching out her toes as her old laptop booted up, She looked down admiringly at her feet followed by her hands, forgetting the frigging fangs for the moment. This is what is cool about being a vampire: claws.
Amy made what could be called a tiger move, which looked more like she was trying to pick up an invisible baseball, and growled. Okay, the growl was not needed, but neither is hissing, and female vampires always do in the movies. Anyway, as her growl deepened, first Amy’s fingernails then her toenails slowly turned into claws.
She never understood how they did it. It felt like they were sliding out from the fingers, but they were completely invisible until needed, and they alone made up for Amy’s diet of iron tablets, constipation and fear of standing too closely to magnets. The claws were also wonderfully useful for so many things; Amy could open any type of packaging no matter how the manufacturers thought up clever ways to prevent normal people from opening their products.
Yes this is normal exercise for a vampire!
What the Heck?
See? I said my life was boring! Nothing ever happens-err, well, apart from what happened to me two days later… That was when my whole life changed; you will notice I did not say got better. It was a Friday, and Amy normally loved Fridays. Like Saturdays, they were not school nights, so her auntie let Amy go out on a prowl. Not that my auntie knows that I am a vampire; she just thinks it is normal that teenagers my age hang around graveyards, spend all their allowance on raw meat and sunblock lotion, and go through three miles of dental floss a month. Apart from being human, she is crazy; yes, I did say crazy. Well, she likes to sleep on the roof at night in case of burglars, and during the summer, she sleeps naked! And, like, she is old. If Google maps ever decides to photograph our house from the air, someone is going to have one heck of a shock!
Walking alone at night had never been a problem for Amy as she had good night vision. Again, I have said this sort of stuff before, but as mostly stupid humans will be reading this, I try to speak slowly and explain long words. Look, the hours of darkness have a comfortable feel to them. I am not sure I can explain, but imagine a warm blanket of darkness and, well, it is not like that at all, but you get the idea.
As for sleeping, Amy could still sleep in the next morning just like any normal girl her age. No matter how much night sleep she got, however, she always felt the same the next day, and that is normally crappy. You might ask if she worried about her safety; the worst that could happen to a vampire out walking would be to run into Van Helsing holding a hammer and a sharp piece of wood. The second worst thing would be meeting a stupid, short-sighted rapist that failed to read the logo on Amy’s shirt that said, “I’m a vampire, now P… off!”
Tonight, she was lucky, as only the second worst thing happened. Sigh. And when I say as a teenage girl that meeting a rapist is only a minor thing, you can see how crappy my life truly is.
At least her auntie got very good cell phone reception on the roof. Just as Amy was tying to text her and tell her that she was going to stay with a friend overnight and not to worry, suddenly, out of nowhere, some maniac lunged at her, causing her to drop her phone. From the unpleasant sound it made, Amy just knew it had broken. And being the third one I have dropped this year, I also know for a fact that my auntie will never, ever buy me another one. Therefore, my whole limited social life and any future love life I might have were now as good as flushed down the toilet.
Without so much as a, “Mind if I grope you, miss?” this bum just grabbed her! Of all things, the first thought that went through Amy’s mind was the fact that he smelled of out-of-date dairy products, which would be a great help later on a wanted poster. With his hand covering her mouth, all she could do was mumble; even if he understood, Amy doubted that he would let go of her just because she was trying to tell him that she was one very pissed off vampire just out taking a walk.
As he pushed her towards the wall, Amy kicked him hard: as hard as she could. So much for self-defense lessons, as he just ignored it! Amy thought that it was yet another failure on the part of the standard vampire movies; not all vampires are martial arts experts with super strength.
The kick was not fully ignored, as he then punched Amy in the stomach. Vampires came in two sorts: the super strong, and Amy’s sort, the type who feel weak and sickly most days and constipated the rest of the time.
All her super vampire defenses were useless due to him having a hand over her mouth, which stopped Amy from yawning or growling: the only two ways she had to summon her weapons. After being punched in the stomach, her most potent defense now was to throw up all over him, and unless he moved his hand, even that would not work.
At this point in time, Amy was not so much worried about reluctantly losing her virginity followed by her life but instead more on the lines of why he was able to hold her down wit
As she felt his other hand undoing and then pulling at her jeans, any faint hopes that this was a mistake and he was just lost and wanted help finding his way home were fast diminishing. Amy did not need to be a straight-A student to know just what his current intentions were, so to stop herself from being sick, she bit him. Anyone so stupid as to cover someone’s mouth with a hand deserves to be bitten, and to stick one’s hand over a vampire’s mouth just borders on insanity.
Amy was surprised to find that sharp teeth and fangs were now filling her mouth without needing the standard, jaw-cracking yawn to activate them. And as she clamped her jaws together, she remembered that the girls’ personal self defense class had not gotten past the kicking-in-the-nuts technique. She was sure that what she could do with her teeth would hurt him far more than any good nut-kicking. Not only was it extremely painful to have needlesharp teeth bite into your flesh, but Amy also had four highly polished fangs that did not just bite but impaled things, like hands. She knew from bitter personal experience that it really, and I mean really, really hurt. Amy had stabbed herself so often that she had put heavy duty gardening gloves on her birthday present list. She now mentally added a new phone to that list due to this idiot. Who in his right mind would try and rape a vampire by first placing a hand over her mouth!? Didn’t he watch late-night horror shows?
As his other hand now struck her, strangely it did not cause any interest as Amy’s full attention was on the new taste in her mouth. The blood from that impaled hand was proving to taste better than any raw steak, and he was leaking so much blood that it was now filling her mouth so quickly that Amy had to swallow fast so that none escaped. With his third blow, she grabbed his fist without thinking and squeezed it until a long stream of swear words that Amy tried to memorize for future use hinted that it was his turn tonight to be pissed off by events.