I hate goodbye the kihan.., p.1
I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga), page 1
Monday, November 29
Tuesday, November 30
Wednesday, December 1
Thursday, December 2
Friday, December 3
Saturday, December 4
Sunday, December 5
Monday, December 6
Tuesday, December 7
Wednesday, December 8
Thursday, December 9
Friday, December 10
Saturday, December 11
Sunday, December 12
Monday, December 13
Tuesday, December 14
Wednesday, December 15
Thursday, December 16
Other Books by Mercy
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I Hate Goodbye.
The Kihanna saga.
Copyright © 2013 by Mercy Amare
Cover designed by PS Cover Designs
Edited by Laura Heritage
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, place, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
This book is dedicated to you, my readers. Without you, my dream would not be a possibility. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
I Hate Goodbye is book 2 in The Kihanna Saga. If you have not read the first book (The Fab Life), you probably will NOT understand what is going on. Be sure to pick up the first book before reading I Hate Goodbye!
Monday, November 29
I hate goodbye.
I’ve always hated saying goodbye… but today is different. Today I am not just saying goodbye for now, I am saying goodbye forever.
The hardest part about it all is that I never got the chance to say it to her face. I’m saying it to a grave. My mother isn’t really here — just a casket that holds her lifeless body.
I am vaguely aware that the preacher is saying something, but I have no idea what. I’m just staring at the closet casket in front of me, wishing that I had five more minutes with my mom. Five minutes to tell her that I love her, and that I will miss her. Five minutes to hear her voice, and hug her one last time. But wishing is pointless. It’s too late. She’s already gone, and I have to continue life without her.
How can I live without my mom? She’s been here for me through everything, and now I am supposed to just keep living even though her own life was stolen by cancer? It’s not possible. It’s not fair. She was too young for this.
My chest tightens and I try not to cry. I’ve done nothing but cry for the last three days, ever since I found out that my mom was sick. I didn’t get there in time to see her one last time. I was too late, and I will never see her alive again.
My dad squeezes my hand, but even he can’t comfort me. He was a complete stranger until three months ago. Now, he is the only family I have left.
The funeral is beautiful. There are yellow roses everywhere… Just like Mom likes them. Dad bought a large angel headstone for her, and it’s perfect. I like to think that she’s an angel now. At the bottom of the statue it reads “A light in the darkness.” That’s what my Mom is… was.
I feel a tear slide down my cheek. My mom was. Past tense. She is no longer here, and now there is nobody to light up the dark.
Somebody taps on my shoulder, and I look up to see my dad standing there. As I look around, I see that everybody has left the cemetery. They are starting to lower the casket into the ground, and I feel my heart accelerate with fear. My mom doesn’t belong there.
“Are you ready to go?” Dad asks me.
I shake my head. I will never be ready to leave. Leaving means that I have accepted that this is real. I’m still trying to convince myself that this is one big nightmare.
“You can come visit her here any time you want,” he promises.
We decided to bury my mom’s body in California, so she would be close to me. I can’t stand the thought of her being all alone in St. Louis. Nobody else will go put flowers on her grave for her.
I lean on Dad for support as we walk to the car. I am utterly and completely numb. I think that he is saying something, but I have no clue what. All I know is that my heart is completely shattered. In the matter of three days, my whole world has turned upside down. I just wish it would stop spinning so fast. I need time to catch up.
I stare at the bottle full of anxiety pills on my nightstand — the ones the doctor prescribed for me to help with my PTSD. I haven’t taken one yet, but every second that I lie in bed, I feel more and more pieces of myself fall away. Like maybe a part of me died with my mom. I wonder for a moment if the pills will help me. I wonder if they will take away the pain that is slowly eating a hole in my chest.
It doesn’t hurt to try, I think.
I take a pill out of the bottle and put it in my mouth.
I just want to forget.
I swallow and lie back on my bed. I wait for the pills to make me better.
Tuesday, November 30
Back to school.
After you lose somebody you love, the hardest part has got to be getting back to a normal routine. Maybe it’s too soon to start living again, but I know this is what my mom would have wanted. She wouldn’t have wanted me to sit around and cry over her death. She would have wanted me to live. So I will try. For her.
Somehow the anxiety pills help. They numb the pain to the point that it doesn’t hurt to breathe, but the dull ache is still there, constantly reminding me that she’s gone. Reminding me that Nicholas is gone. And reminding me that I took somebody else’s life. I am a killer… There is also somebody out there who wants me dead, but I can’t think about that right now.
Today, I don’t give a shit. So I decide go to school wearing a pair of yoga pants and a hoodie. My uncombed hair is in a bun — the exact same bun I woke up with this morning. My hair is sticking up all over, and I’m not wearing makeup.
“Ride to school with me?” Toby asks. He’s limping as he walks down the stairs. I can tell that he’s still in a lot of pain, but he’s recovering. When I see him, I don’t feel quite as bad for what I did. I saved his life. Sure, I took somebody else's, but I did it to save him. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
“Maybe you shouldn’t drive.” I point at his stomach.
He shrugs. “I don’t think it’s safe for either of us. I’m high from the pain killers. You look high too.”
“Anxiety pills,” I say with a shrug. “They numb the pain.”
“By the way, I’m digging the hair.” He burst out laughing after he says it, so I flip him off.
“We are a pretty pathetic pair.” I hold out my arm for him and finish helping him down the stairs.
Together, Toby and I can handle this. Though I’m really no
“Are you sure you both want to go to school?” Veronica asks as we reach the bottom.
“Definitely,” I tell her. “I really need to get out of this house.” Out of my bed more specifically.
My eyes glance over to where Nicholas’s body was lying when we walked in that night. The same night that I killed an intruder to save Toby and myself… I recently found out that the guy I murdered worked at a grocery store. He had two daughters under the age of three, and a wife. He was a hit man — hired to kill my dad, or so they think, but I know the truth. The person was hired to kill me, and I plan on getting to the bottom of it. I need to know who wants me dead so bad.
“Let me have Daniel drive you,” she says once she sees where my eyes are looking. “I don’t think either of you should be driving today.”
I start to argue, but she’s right. We shouldn’t be driving. A few minutes later, a limo pulls up in front of the house. Toby and I get in.
“If you need anything, or if you want to come home early, I completely understand,” Veronica tells both of us.
“Thanks, Mom. See you after school,” Toby says.
As we leave, I really look at what I’m wearing. I’m surprised that Veronica didn’t comment. She always has something to say about my wardrobe. I guess death has a way of changing everybody around you. Nicholas was dad’s butler for ten years now, so I know that it affected her too.
“Three more weeks until we leave on our cruise,” Toby says.
Cruise. Right. The same cruise that I was supposed to be taking with my mother. Though, I guess she never really planned on going with us. She knew she was dying. “My mom and I always planned on taking a cruise together,” I tell him. “She said that we were going to for my twenty-first birthday. We saved change for years and had quite a bit of a fund set up for it.”
“I’m really sorry about your mom,” he says. “I wish I could have gone to her funeral.”
Toby was still in the hospital during her funeral, and he should still be in bed right now. “It’s not your fault. I’m just glad that I didn’t lose you too.”
“I’d give you a hug right now, but when I move it hurts,” he says.
I lean over and give him a side hug, careful not to squeeze him too tight.
“Are you going to talk to Gabe today?” he asks when I pull back from our embrace.
I roll my eyes. “Ugh, I don’t even want to think about Gabriel. Or Ty. Or Jacqueline. I really hope she isn’t going to try to rub my nose in her hook-up with Ty, because I don’t want to hear it today. She can have Ty. And Gabe for that matter.”
I could care less about teenage drama. I could care less about high school romance. I just want to get through this day, tomorrow, the next day, and every day until I can finally begin to live again.
“Things will get better,” Toby says, squeezing my hand.
I hope he’s right.
I take my seat beside Kasbian, but today he actually looks at me. He hasn’t talked to me since my week of punishment three months ago… Not since he found out that I was dating Ty Newman.
“Hey, Kihanna,” he greets me.
I nod to acknowledge him, but I see no point in talking to him. If he’s not going to be my friend because I date a guy he doesn’t like, I’m certainly not going to start being his friend now that we’re broken up. I don’t need people like that in my life.
“I heard about you and Ty. I just wanted to say sorry that it didn’t work out.”
I roll my eyes and turn toward him. “Kasbian, Ty is absolutely the least of my problems. Did you know that I killed somebody Friday morning? And that my stepbrother was shot? Oh, and let’s not forget that yesterday I was at my mother’s funeral. So, forgive me if I don’t cry on your shoulder over the fact that my ex-boyfriend cheated on me.”
“I had no idea. I’m sorry, Kihanna,” he says.
“Whatever,” I say. I pull out my bottle of anxiety pills and pop another one in my mouth. I have a feeling that I am going to need it today. I’m mourning the loss of not one, but two important people in my life, and people here think I’m mourning the loss of my boyfriend. How pathetic does that make me look to them?
Before Kasbian can talk anymore, the teacher walks into the classroom and class begins.
It’s going to be a long ass day.
All By Myself.
I am sitting in algebra class wondering how I am ever going to use this in real life when the fire alarm goes off.
Thank you, whoever set off the fire alarm, I think as we all get in line to head out the door. In the hallway, I see Toby limping toward the front doors as we file out of the school. Poor Toby. I can tell he’s in pain from the way he’s walking.
As we get closer to the door, I realize I hear music. When we walk out, I see exactly what is going on.
Gabriel Johnson is standing on the roof of the school singing All By Myself by Celine Dion. And when I say singing, I really mean he’s screeching it, because he’s a really bad singer. And right there, in the midst of the pain, I do something I didn’t think was possible. I laugh — hard.
“I can’t believe he actually went through with it,” Toby says. He’s trying not to laugh.
Gabe was being arrogant on Thanksgiving break, and thought he could beat me at a game of pool. I crushed him, and since he lost he has to sing Celine. I didn’t think he would actually do it, especially considering we broke up, but he did.
As he is singing, he is looking right at me. I just shake my head at him. I know he’s trying to apologize for all that went down over Thanksgiving break, but no matter how hard I try I keep coming to the same conclusion.
I came back earlier because of Gabe.
Toby was shot because of Gabe.
And I killed a man because of Gabe.
And I know it’s wrong to blame it all on him. Deep down, I know it’s not really his fault. Whoever left the notes is doing it all, and I know this. But it doesn’t change the way I feel. Things definitely would have been different if it wasn’t for him.
If only I wouldn’t have given myself to him so quickly after breaking things off with Ty.
If only Ty wouldn’t have cheated on me, he would’ve been the one I gave myself too.
But nothing can change the fact that it happened. I can’t go back in time.
Gabe has it right — I really am all by myself.
Halfway through the song, I turn around and walk back into the school. A teacher is telling me not to go in until the fire department has checked it, but I don’t listen. I walk down the halls with the alarms going off.
Someday I will forgive Gabriel, I know that… but not today. If things were different, maybe it would be that easy for us. But things aren’t different. And I can’t be with him right now — maybe not ever.
Drama for lunch.
At lunch, I set with Courtney, Victoria, and Ariana. I’m really not in the mood to chitchat with my friends, but it beats the questions that everybody else is asking. Did you really shoot somebody? Did your mom really die? And my personal favorite — Is it true that you shot Toby? I really just want to slap people.
I sit at the table and end up taking another anxiety pill. I’m not sure how many a day I am supposed to take, but I need this.
“Oh my God,” Courtney says as I sit down. “How crazy was that with Gabriel earlier?”
Did she really just say ‘Oh my God’? She is bouncing up and down in her seat, and using her
“I don’t know. I have just been in a really hyper mood lately. I swear I only slept like three hours last night,” she answers.
“Are you on drugs?” I ask. I’m only halfway being sarcastic. Nobody can be naturally this hyper after three hours of sleep.
“No silly!” She smiles, but quickly lets it fade from her face. “I heard about everything that went down this weekend. You had a pretty crazy Thanksgiving. I just wanted to say sorry about everything. If I would’ve known, I would’ve gone to your mom’s funeral.”
“It was kind of a fast thing,” I tell her, hoping that the subject gets dropped.
“After you left homecoming, shit hit the drama fan,” she says, flipping her dark curls away from her face. “Like total chaos.”
“Ty was livid,” Ariana says, joining the conversation. “He was screaming at Jacqueline, saying that she planned for you to walk in and see them. He got a police escort out of the dance, and Jacqueline left soon after him. I think she was embarrassed.”
“I still can’t believe Ty cheated on you,” Victoria says.
Ty cheating on me seems like it was a lifetime ago, but in reality it was just over a week ago. “I’m so over Ty,” I tell them. “I think I was more shocked because I trusted him, but I was never in love with him. I guess I feel relieved that it happened. It gave me a reason to break-up with him.”
“So that’s it?” I hear a voice behind me, and I know that voice. I’m just hoping I’m wrong.
I turn around to see Ty standing behind me. He looks like shit… like he hasn’t slept since the night of the dance. “Hey, Ty,” I say nervously.
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