I Miss Him So Much: A The Best Friend Bonus Chapter, page 1
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Copyright © 2017 by AllyWilliams
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I Miss Him So Much
By: Ally Williams
© AllyWilliams 2017
I Miss Him So Much
Everything is prettier on the beach.
Though, the tears that keep shadowing my vision makes it hard to admire it all. It’s only when they spill down my chubby cheeks that I’m able to gaze up and listen to the waves crash against the shore.
I don’t know why I’m crying.
Sobbing pathetically by myself on the balcony that connects to my room to my best friend’s is my new low, and a common occurrence, it seems. I’m not just crying over him, surprisingly. I’m also crying for my dad, the other best friend whom I lost only a month ago.
The open wounds of his death aren’t even close to scarring yet. It happened so suddenly, and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye; that was the worst part. He won’t hold me in his arms again, tell me he loves me, or be here to see me turn fourteen. He won’t be here for any monumental moments in my life.
It physically hurts.
I didn’t want to spend this vacation cooped up in a room, but I’m alone. My mother went out with Hayden’s mom, Camil, hours ago for an entire spa day, which doesn’t make any sense because we have a two-story beach house with a pool to enjoy the sun in. His father, Mason, is downstairs watching Wylie, and I honestly don’t know where Gwen went.
This entire vacation was meant to get my mind off my father’s death, but it’s times like this when it’s all I can think about.
Camil has been worried sick about my mother and me since my father died. She doesn’t want us to feel isolated and alone. So, when she and Mason rented this beach house for a week, they insisted we come along.
I didn’t want to be locked up in here; in fact, I had plans with Hayden. We were supposed to hit the beach so he could teach me how to surf to keep my mind off everything. That’s what he promised. He said he wouldn’t leave my side the entire time. He’d been coddling me ever since we buried my dad, and he swore he wouldn’t go anywhere.
Well, he did.
Yesterday, we had spent our the latter part of the day on the boardwalk and pier where they had many things going on. We ate at a diner, watched people fish while I begged them silently to let them back in the water, and played all sorts of games at the arcade.
It had been the perfect day that distracted me from all the pain weighing me down, until we ran into some kids our age. Hayden had sparked up conversation with them when I went to the bathroom for just a minute, only to return and see him surrounded.
They had all been nice, and they invited us to a bonfire they would be having that night.
Hayden wanted to go, and I knew he did, but our families had a whole game night planned that was mandatory to attend. In my opinion, it was better than spending the night with people I don’t know at a bonfire that would just get boring.
A girl, Cassie, who we had met yesterday texted Hayden and asked him to see a movie today.
He told me about it, and I knew what was coming. He apologized and said he couldn’t teach me how to surf because he had to go see a movie with her, and I understood why. Cassie was tall, blonde, and tan. How could any boy pass that up?
I knew that sometimes Hayden just wanted my introverted side to disappear forever. I’m afraid that if it doesn’t, one day, he’ll get sick of me being so boring. He hates when all I want to do is stay inside and do nothing. I just don’t know how to change.
With the death of my father, all I want is to cuddle under some blankets and never come out. However, the world keeps spinning, and time doesn’t wait for anyone.
So, I’ve spent the entire day wondering what I’m going to say to Hayden when he comes back from his date. I don’t want to seem clingy and make him feel like he can’t have other friends, or a girlfriend, because he’s had plenty of those. But I don’t want to be alone.
Yet that’s exactly how I end up.
I know people who are taking a peaceful evening walk on the beach are wondering if I’m dying as I sit on the balcony’s railing, clutching a mug of tea between my fingers. Everything inside of me sure does feel that way, and I just don’t know how to handle it all.
I just want it to stop, or at least pause for a little bit.
My brain needs some time and space to rest. Even though there really hasn’t been much going on up there. I am hurt by Hayden not giving a shit that I’m in pain, but the most important thing is I miss my dad more than anything.
If I had one wish in the world, I would ask for him back, over everything.
Yes, Hayden is my best friend, but it’s more complicated than that. Having feelings for him just makes everything such a mess, which is why I need my dad. How is a thirteen-year-old girl supposed to grow up without her father? Without her friend?
None of it makes sense. I don’t know what I did to be punished like this. Whatever I did to get my dad ripped away from me, I want to take it back.
“Knock, knock.” Gwen’s voice floats through the open balcony door as she taps her knuckles against it.
I send her a glance over my shoulder, mustering up a smile while wiping my tears. “Hey!”
“Aw, love.” She coos, hopping up to sit next to me, swiping her thumb over the sensitive skin under my eyes. “Why are you up here crying by yourself? No one should be upset alone! Where’s Hayden?”
“On a date with some girl named Cassie.” I scoff, feeling pain bloom in my chest again.
Gwen furrows her brows. “Wasn’t he supposed to be teaching you how to surf? I was going to come out and take videos of you guys falling f
That pulls a chuckle from me as I peer over at the girl I consider an older sister. “Were you now? Don’t make me dig up that picture of your wet skirt—”
“Hey! I didn’t pee myself, and you know it! I just happened to accidentally spill water all over me.” She points out, grabbing my mug to take a sip. “So, he ditched you, huh?”
“I guess you can call it that.” Because that’s exactly what he did.
“I’m sorry, El.” She passes my drink back over to rub soothing circles against my back. “I don’t know when he’ll ever realize what’s right in front of him. Hopefully, one day. That’s not the only thing you’re crying over, is it?”
My teeth bite down on my bottom lip hard to keep the rush of tears from coming, but one still slips out of my bloodshot eyes. “No…”
She rests her hand on the back of my head, patting down my hair while pulling me into a hug, whispering reassuring words in my ear.
“I’m so sorry about your dad, Elsie. He was such a sweet man who loved you, your mom, and Wylie so much. It’s so fucking dumb he can’t watch you guys grow up.” This is the thousandth time Gwen has apologized over my father’s death, but I know she’s just trying to make me feel better.
“You don’t have to say your sorry, Gwen. It hurts right now, but it might get easier.” I croak, trying to give myself a pep talk along the way.
She pulls back with a sympathetic smile, grabbing my hand to hold. “It will get easier with time. I promise. And where Hayden is concerned, he’ll never look at a girl like he looks at you.”
“Gwen,” I whine with a shake of my head.
If there is anyone in this word who wants Hayden and I together, it’s Gwen. It sends me into a tizzy of embarrassment and pink cheeks because I’ve never told Gwen I have feelings for her brother, and yet she seemed to guess it before I even admitted it to myself.
“You know I’ll never stop insinuating that to either of you.” She chuckles, pushing some of my dark hair behind my ear. “Can I ask you something and you answer it honestly?”
“If you’re going to ask me if your brother and I have kissed, the answer is no.” Unfortunately. I’ve always wanted my first kiss to be from him, even though I know he’s already had his, and it wasn’t from me.
“That’s not what I was going to ask, but good to know.” She makes a thoughtful face, raising a brow. “Have you ever had beer?”
My eyes grow wide at her question, my hands immediately growing clammy. “No! I’ve never had any sort of alcohol.”
A grin spreads across her face as she slides down to put her feet on solid ground, thrusting her palm out to me. “Well, how about you have your first taste with me? It really seems like something you could use right now to take your mind off everything.”
“Will I throw up?” I question innocently, not really knowing anything about beer.
“No! Not unless you drink your body weight in it.” She exaggerates because I know if you drink your body weight, you’d be dead. “Come on…”
I sigh, following her back to my room because if there is anyone I would try this with for the first time, that would be Gwen. Why not? I know that she would take care of me over anything if something were to happen. Not to mention we’re in the safety of the house.
“We can drink in here.” Her lips curl down as she looks around the room before smiling. “Just stay here, and I’ll go get the beer.”
“Okay.” I exhale, plopping down on my bed, watching as she walks out. I turn my head to peer out the open balcony doors, still listening to the placid sound of waves smacking against the sand.
When Gwen returns, my nerves really settle, and my hands shake, my heart pounding a mile a minute from the experience of something new.
She places the two cases of beer on the desk across the room, and I see that it says Ginger Ale Beer. Which honestly doesn’t sound all that bad! I’ve heard my dad and Mason rave about it before.
She pops open the caps, moving to sit down next to me, passing the glass bottle over. I examine it with furrowed brows, stomach churning.
“I don’t know…Should I be drinking this? I mean, I’m only thirteen.” I try to plead my case, needing her reassurance one last time to know that it’ll be okay.
“Elsie, I think its fine, but if you don’t, that’s okay! I don’t want you to feel pressured to do something you don’t want.” She pats my knee, taking a few swigs of hers without even flinching.
“Okay.” My breath comes out shaky, and she giggles, shooting me a smirk. I bring the cold rim up to my lips, letting the chilly liquid run down my throat before I smack my lips together to relish in the taste. “What the…” I’m confused; it really just tastes like ginger ale.
“It’s amazing, right?” Gwen laughs at my astonished face, gulping down her entire beer, getting up to grab another.
“I expected it to be so gross like I’ve heard from kids at school.” I frown, looking at the bottle like it’s black magic of some sort.
“Mhm!” She hums, swallowing and wiping the excess liquid of her lip. “Regular beer is disgusting, but this stuff just tastes like soda, which is way better! And strawberry wines are really good too.”
I’m not sure if it’s just because this is my first time drinking, or because I’m already slightly buzzed, but my body feels warm. Nothing else is here to make me reconsider getting drunk, but I’m waiting.
The two of us slow down to drinking one bottle every hour. Our moms come back late, barging in to tell us goodnight, and neither of them notice the beer, which means they are already tipsy themselves. Once we know everyone have pretty much migrated to their own rooms, we down five beers in twenty minutes.
To say that I’m feeling the full effect of the alcohol is an understatement. If I had known that it would feel this nice and relaxing to get drunk, I would have done it months ago. Though, I can’t say I would have. Everything that has happened in the past month changed me in a way. Even though I’m young, I know that this night won’t be something I will regret down the road.
When the clock ticks around ten, Gwen grunts about being exhausted before trudging off to her room, leaving me alone, once again.
As soon as I step through the threshold of the beach house, I sigh in relief.
I shut the door softy behind me, noticing that most of the lights are off, which means everyone is probably in bed. That’s good considering my father and I haven’t been on the best of terms since our argument a couple weeks ago when I yelled at him for being a dick to my mom.
However, it is a little disappointing since Elsie will probably be asleep, and I won’t be able to check on her and see how she’s been doing. I regret canceling on our plans today, especially since I know she’s really needed me lately.
It hurts to see her so shattered. With everything in me, I want to do something to fix it, but I can’t. All I can do is be there for her, which is something I haven’t been too good at. I’ve been scared.
Realizing that you have intense feelings for your best friend isn’t exactly an ideal situation.
I know that if I continue to stay glued to her side, everything I feel towards her will just inflate more. That’s why I agreed to catch a movie with Cassie, but it wasn’t all that fun. I didn’t want to be rude when she asked to walk down the beach with me afterwards. I also didn’t want to be away from Elsie that long, but I agreed anyway.
I thought distancing myself from Elsie a little bit would help. I thought that maybe it would make the way I feel towards her fuzzy, and I would resort to being just her best friend. Tonight debunks that.
It only makes me see how much I need to have her around, more so these days. I know that her being alone only makes her feel worse, and that’s all I can think about tonight. I just want to be by her side again.
I kick off my shoes, scooting them to the side, or I’d get a lengthy lecture from my dad. My shoulders slump forward as I toss the keys to the bow
My feet have a mind of their own when I hear noises in the kitchen, rounding the corner to see the light in there leaking out to the hardwood floor.
A smile graces my lips when I notice Elsie making a grilled cheese sandwich with her back towards me. I lean against the doorframe with a pounding heart, admiring her like a creepy little kid in love.
When she spins around with a spatula in her hands, she squeals, seeing me watch her in complete silence. I smirk, small chuckles falling from me at her startled expression and wide doe eyes.
“Y–you’re back from your date.” She stutters, blinking at me with those sad eyes.
I want to say that it wasn’t a date, not to me, but I don’t. “You’re hungry, huh?”
“Mm, yeah! I didn’t have dinner earlier.” She sways on her feet, slurring her words a little. “So, did you have fun?” Elsie presses, obviously not letting up with the subject.
“Yeah, I did.” I shrug, lying right through my teeth. “Cassie is really pretty and nice. She told me that she’d like to see me again before I left.”
“Oh,” Elsie mumbles, sniffling as she turns back around to avoid eye contact, nearly tripping on her own foot. “I’m glad you had fun.”
I frown, wondering why she’s acting so weird and fumbling over herself. I take a few more steps into the kitchen till I’m standing right next to her, close enough to smell what is pouring off her in waves.
“Are you drunk?” I say in disbelief, making the bold move to grab her elbow and turn her to face me. “You reek of beer!”
“Yeah…” She croaks, pulling her arm from me with much difficultly, and I’m not even sure how she’s using the oven to cook.
“When were you getting drunk? And where did you get it?” I hound, feeling my stomach churn because it was something she did for the first time without me, and I didn’t even know.