In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: . . . And Other Complaints From an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy

In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: . . . And Other Complaints From an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy

Adam Carolla

Humor

A couple years back, I was at the Phoenix airport bar. It was empty except for one heavy-set, gray bearded, grizzled guy who looked like he just rode his donkey into town after a long day of panning for silver in them thar hills. He ordered a Jack Daniels straight up, and that's when I overheard the young guy with the earring behind the bar asking him if he had ID. At first the old sea captain just laughed. But the guy with the twinkle in his ear asked again. At this point it became apparent that he was serious. Dan Haggerty's dad fired back, "You've got to be kidding me, son." The bartender replied, "New policy. Everyone has to show their ID." Then I watched Burl Ives reluctantly reach into his dungarees and pull out his military identification card from World War II.It's a sad and eerie harbinger of our times that the Oprah-watching, crystal-rubbing, Whole Foods-shopping moms and their whipped attorney husbands have taken the ability to reason away from the poor schlub who makes the Bloody Marys. What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we now settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers. Adam Carolla has had enough of this insanity and he's here to help us get our collective balls back. Amazon.com ReviewReview*--New York Post–AOL's Popeater.com--Bill Simmons, ESPN columnist and bestselling author of *The Book of Basketball*--Jimmy Kimmel--Alec Baldwin--Seth MacFarlane--Ken BurnsIn Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks is Adam's comedic gospel of modern America. He rips into the absurdity of the culture that demonized the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, turned the nation's bathrooms into a lawless free-for-all of urine and fecal matter, and put its citizens at the mercy of a bunch of minimum wagers with axes to grind. Peppered between complaints Carolla shares candid anecdotes from his day to day life as well as his past—Sunday football at Jimmy Kimmel's house, his attempts to raise his kids in a society that he mostly disagrees with, his big showbiz break, and much, much more. Brilliantly showcasing Adam's spot-on sense of humor, this book cements his status as a cultural commentator/comedian/complainer extraordinaire. Guest Reviewer: Seth MacFarlane Seth MacFarlane is best known for creating the animated sitcoms Family Guy, American Dad! and The Cleveland Show. Reading In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks opened my eyes to three things: 1) Adam is a top-notch complainer, probably the best in the world, 2) America is in serious trouble, and 3) Adam is hilarious. Adam uses this book to break down our societal shortcomings using the combination of logic and humor that he’s perfected. He made me glad that I never leave the house. Going out entails interacting with the general public, and the general public is dumb (no offense to those of you in the general public). And when I say dumb, I don’t mean the innocent kind of dumb like a dog that thinks his reflection is another dog. I mean the dangerous kind of dumb, like Lennie in Of Mice and Men—good-natured, mentally limited, and tremendously powerful. You leave your house one morning to get groceries, and you end up getting your neck accidentally broken by the guy giving you directions out of the parking lot. In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks is less of a book, and more of a guide for how to be a better man and/or woman (mostly man). Buy this book. Don’t buy it because I told you to; buy it because it’s funny. Buy it if you think Phillips Head is an alt rock band or if you wear V-neck T-shirts. Definitely buy it if you call appetizers “tapas” or if “LOL” is anywhere in your vocabulary. Buy this book and study it. "Carolla...has keen political instincts and a vision for common sense.""Laugh-out-loud funny… [Adam Carolla’s] invective-filled screed is often completely politically incorrect, and always completely hilarious." "If comedy books were big-breasted porn stars, In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks would be Christy Canyon.""Adam Carolla is a genius. And no, I'm not kidding.""Reading Adam Carolla is akin to having a horrible illness. Alone with your thoughts, you struggle with whether you want to even go on living. When you're done, you're a stronger, better person.""If you’re a man, read this book. If you’re a man who wears turtlenecks, wise up. Nobody thinks that looks good."“I don’t know this guy from Adam, but Carolla’s humor—fearlessly crass, shamelessly honest and irresistibly funny—sucks out like liposuction the layers of fatty pride to expose the often warped and wounded psyche buried deep within the modern American male.”From the Hardcover edition.
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Daddy, Stop Talking!: And Other Things My Kids Want but Won't Be Getting

Daddy, Stop Talking!: And Other Things My Kids Want but Won't Be Getting

Adam Carolla

Humor

RetailLast Will & Testament of Adam CarollaI, Adam Carolla, being of beaten-down mind, declare this to be my Last Will and Testament. I revoke all wills and addendums previously made by me. (You guys never did listen, anyway.)Article II appoint the rest of the world's unappreciated dads as Personal Representatives to administer this Will. I bequeath to them the right to crack a couple cold ones in the garage after working their asses off all week and ask that they be permitted to watch all the porn they like and not have to change diapers and get dragged to every preschool "graduation" and PTA meeting.Article IITo my wife, I leave a safe-deposit box, the sole content of which is a note reading "Get a job. I'm dead," and my best wishes on trying to keep up with the unending demands of our houses, cars, dog, and kids.Article IIII devise, bequeath, and give my kids this book, Daddy, Stop Talking. Since you guys were the death of me, I leave you these pages of wisdom. But no cash, cars, or property. You've got to earn those. On that note, I further demand that the following message be placed on the marker of my grave: "You're All on Your Own Now. Enjoy."
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President Me

President Me

Adam Carolla

Humor

Imagine a world where New York Times bestselling author, comedian, actor, television, and podcast host Adam Carolla is the President of the United States. Can't do it? You don't have to! Adam has done it for you!Podcast king Adam Carolla first shared his unique, but always funny world view in his New York Times bestseller In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks--but he's not done.In President Me, Carolla shares his vision for a different, better America free from big issues like big government down to small problems like hotel alarm clock placement. Running on an anti-narcissism platform, President Carolla calls for a return to the values of an earlier time when stew and casserole were on every dinner table and there were no "service dogs" on airplanes. President Me hits right at the heart of what makes our country really annoying, and offers a plan to make all of our lives, but mostly Adam's, much better.
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Not Taco Bell Material

Not Taco Bell Material

Adam Carolla

Humor

In his second book, Adam Carolla--author of New York Times bestseller In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks and chart-topping podcaster--reveals all the stories behind how he came to be the angry middle-aged man he is today.Funnyman Adam Carolla is known for two things: hilarious rants about things that drive him crazy and personal stories about everything from his hardscrabble childhood to his slacker friends to the hypocrisy of Hollywood. He tackled rants in his first book, and now he tells his best stories and debuts some never-before-heard tales as well. Organized by the myriad "dumps" Carolla called home--through the flophouse apartments he rented in his twenties, up to the homes he personally renovated after achieving success in Hollywood--the anecdotes here follow Adam's journey and the hilarious pitfalls along the way.Adam Carolla started broke and blue collar and has now been on the Hollywood scene for over fifteen years, yet he never...
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